def_n: M-level

January 5, 2008

I’d thought I’d missed out typing one day late after the last one. Guess I lost track of time. I’d thought 2 days had just passed.

Last night, it was decided that we’d meet out since J is leaving for his exchange for 6 months to Pennsylvania, US. So we did.

I haven’t seen them since September 07 and yet the only familiarity I’d had was with M, as usual. Also perhaps maybe little chats here and there with My & bf, Pl and Wt. Other than that, most of the time I was just staring into space or listening in to what the others were conversing about.

Feels so strange that I’m seen to be the quietest amongst them, when before we all got together, I was the source. If I hadn’t suggested to M (then a game friend) to bring his friends along to that orientation that we had, none of these would even happen as they did. None of us would have met and grow to whom we are today.

Funny thing is, regardless of how long we don’t see each other, M still feels the same to me. Everyone else, well, depends on what I can think of to speak to them about. R seemed aloof as usual. Not sure why. It’s like the aloofness I’d seen when we all first met. I don’t know why he still has that brought along with him.

Maybe this is what I’d refer to as:

“People are brought together for a reason. They will then separate when the reason is no longer there.”

“Meeting many people, not everyone stays as friends. Some end up as mere acquaintances. Others will be friends for a period. Soon that period will end as well. Even best friends may no longer see each other when the time arrives for it.”

We meet for a reason and when time comes for us to depart, we can’t sit and dwell. Everyone has to move on. Life moves on. You can always think back about it. Reminisce the good times. Recall the bad. Still, not all relationships can stay the way they were. Not all. There are exceptions, especially for people who don’t find reason to be friends or to be together. These people are those that when they meet, they just click all over again. It doesn’t take time for them to think up a topic to chat or discuss about. They just start. Talk. Tease. Play. Joke. Argue.

If you ever come across the above kind of person, it doesn’t matter even if you lose contact by not meeting up. If future has it that you’ll meet again, you’ll meet again and times will be like past times.

And so yesterday was like those times as usual. None of them are close to me. Even M, is the above person I’d just described. The kind that just sinks in to me when we meet, we don’t even need to think of a topic to talk about.


So, that was it and yesterday went past.

Then there are times when I’d think about the people around me. Whether I do have a reason for being with them or wanting to be with them. But there’s none that I can think of. It’s like I just want to be around them. I just want to be with them. It’s both a want and a need. What justifies the need, I can’t find words to describe.

There are people that I’ve lost touch with. People whom were those I was always around with. Then again, not all of them I’m at the M-level. (Hmm, new definition: M-level of friendship / familiarity!) Probably because I’m not so much of a conversation-starter. That’s why I’d think of it this way. If a conversation could kick off between I and one other without much thought, I’d define it as the above.

For past friends, I can’t say much. Probably because in the past I was a pretty noisy thing. I’d crack up something strange or amusing I knew and told those around me to start a conversation. But soon enough, that kind of died down. 

Now if I do ever mentioned something, no one really listens. Either they’re too busy or they were too caught up in their thought. There are those who did listened but their faces did not tell it. Sometimes I brush the ignorance off. Sometimes I get very annoyed. Sometimes I get pissed. But who ever cares?


Last night, he shared with me the goals that he had in mind for his work. These were actually asked for by his boss. I really appreciate it that he shared them with me. Other than the little grammatical errors here and there, I can feel his sincerity in the written piece. I just hope that when he really does succeed, he does not forget whom has been with him, supporting him, suffering with him and helping him along the way. Hopefully his pride and ego stays clear even after he succeeds. Well, just because oftentimes it happens otherwise to many other people I know and have heard of.

If only he’d share more about himself.

Oftentimes when he’s not at work, not eating, not watching TV (intently & hates to be disturbed), not on the phone, not with his friend, not fishing, not sleeping, not … I hardly ever get to just talk to him. Sometimes when I just want to share something I saw on TV or the likes of it, he’d just turn for 5 seconds and that was it. I don’t always get his fullest attention like I’d like to.

Even when he has work to do, he’d just disappear and lock himself up in the other room to use the phone, without telling me what he was intending. I mean, lock the door? If he’d said so he needs to make calls, I wouldn’t even enter the room, would I?

There are times when he just has to go work everyday. I can’t really complain. I mean he’s doing this for his job. But, there are times when I just want to feel his presence. I don’t mind waiting till he had to leave the house, then I’d leave together to get my meal. Rather than going out to buy my meal and then returning home not seeing him already, because he’d left after me. I don’t know why he just won’t let me. He’d insist that I go find my food, instead of waiting for him. When I’d said I’d wait, since it was only about 15mins or so, he just rushed and said we could go. Rushed, meaning wrong wallet, no cards, no cash. And so it becomes my fault again for having him rush himself.

I’m like ??? Is it wrong to just want to wait for him to leave and then I can get my meal of the day? I’ve already waited the whole day since he left early this morning to go for a Cpy-organised cycling event. And when he reaches home, he barely says anything much.

Why isn’t there room to talk? Time to talk?

I’ve naught the slightest idea. Maybe I shouldn’t be around so often. Then I wouldn’t feel so ignored. I can be so bothersome. Aren’t I?


One comment

  1. haha feet! u know something? the part about the meetup for J’s? What you wrote is exactly what I felt. Makes me wonder how long I’m going to bother to turn up, and then I think I should be nice because they made an effort to invite. The question still surfaces after every meetup though.

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