Archive for December, 2006

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bothered ii

December 17, 2006

I’m working to while the time away as usual, this holiday. Otherwise, I’ll just coop myself up at home, in that room, seated right in front of the laptop, and away I go playing games. Non-stop. Bathe. Eat. Play. Work. Sleep.

That’s the routine I’m currently having.

Seems like nothing interesting to go by, eh? Even meeting people seem so unlikely to occur. I don’t know. Was it because I didn’t take the initiative?

Too many things happen at once, even though it seems as if I’m supposed to have only that routine. It’s getting confusing.

I don’t know what I want.

There were times when I’d thought “hell yeah! i so want that! i’m gonna go for it at all costs” be it for the material world or human relationships. Now, I don’t know anymore.

You know what it’s like to be rejected so many times? It keeps bringing you back to questioning your status in society. What is it that’s missing that keeps you unwanted. After having trying to improve yourself, you get back on your feet. Lo and behold, you fall again after another rejection. You grow stronger. So does the doubt. You want to believe that you can do it, yet the thought of taking another risk daunts you. You don’t know whether to try again. You really don’t want to try again. You’re tired.

The irony is that, you see someone else do it and they had it easy. Then…

The regret of not trying sinks in.

I’m tired of it! Why can’t someone notice me? Why do I have to do the chasing? I want to be chased.

Damn it.

I like being asked after. I like being concerned about. I like attention. I just return the same favour only when I receive them. No, I’m not selfish. I’m insecure.

Am I not good enough?

I really wonder when will it be the day that I get noticed like that. I’m getting tired of this. I only want someone to depend on. I’m tired of depending on myself.

Oh, I’d planned to meet a friend this weekend. Another friend wanted to meet but couldn’t confirm it. Another long lost friend held a birthday party. If I could, I wanted to do all three.

I’d waited for the friend online last few days. Friend didn’t appear and I didn’t want to bother sms-ing cos’ it might annoy friend somewhat. So I’d thought to wait ’till I wake up this morning. Apparently I overslept. So, I never got around to meeting friend. Friend tells me of a sudden attachment to a girl the 10 hours before, where I was hoping friend would appear online. I was appalled somewhat. I don’t know how to describe it. Just really shocked and it wasn’t comfortable. Really, it wasn’t.

Added to that, it was a girl that friend has just met for a week or two? The girl initiated it.

That initiated a slight fever sinking in, and the weather didn’t look too good, and so I didn’t go for the party. It really wasn’t my day. I don’t know why. I just felt lost after that.

I feel cheated. Is there actually anything that’s controlling what’s my life gonna be? Or am I the one dictating it. Cos’ if it’s really me, then I must say that I’m the stupidest person I’ve ever met.

I feel so cheated.

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bothered

December 7, 2006

I want to type plenty of thoughts.

But I end up bothered by some other minute disturbing ones.

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Take this: How would you define this feeling?
You know someone. You do like being with someone. You like having all of someone’s attention whenever possible. You like talking to someone. You like someone talking to you. However, when someone starts the same kind of conversation with someone_else, you don’t feel the least good about it. In fact, there’s a feeling called hatred growing. You don’t know to whom that feeling is intended. You keep debating with yourself over it. You feel as if someone is being taken away from you, bit by bit. The only worry you have, is when someone is gone from you, again. Regret seems so very likely to occur. You don’t want it to happen. You start hating yourself because you don’t know whether you should have done something you haven’t.

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I hate myself.

There are times when I wish I was stupider. Maybe people will like me better that way. Maybe I will get most of the attention that way. Maybe that’s the kind of person, people like to talk to. I don’t know.

Though, I’ve told myself not to worry about what others thought of me. In the end, it still bothers me. It hasn’t bothered me for a long time. To think, it’s starting again.

The negative thoughts.

I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I want to show I care. I want you to know that I care. But, I never want to trouble you. Even if it seems unnecessary or bothersome, it’s just because I care.

Then again, I’m just another friend of yours. Nothing special about it, huh? All the initial talk about “you’re a special friend” never seem to be justified. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too ignorant. Maybe I just can’t see it.

I’d do anything to be special to someone.

Not everyone thinks the same way.

What am I to you?

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I had a horrid dream. Mama, Sis and I were at some place where there were those unwanted tools, metal scraps, rather near to a 7-eleven (surprisingly). There were men after us. Somehow I convinced them to leave us alone for quite some time. While I got them distracted, I gave Mama and Sis a piece of metal (weapon?) and to run away to a safer place. Then a second later, I was at this ballroom scene. I’m the organiser of some sort of formal party. There were plenty of people but the party hasn’t started. I was running around doing errands before it starts. A second later, I was lying beside Sis and Mama was on the other side of Sis. Sis was lying still and her eyes closed, with both of us look at her. I just got up and got ready to leave home (for school?). A second later, I see the party started. A second later, I was in some beach area, brushing away sand to collect sea shells. Then someone said to me “where’s the turtle?” I reminisced and thought of Sis. She was no longer with us. Tears choked up. I woke up and cried. I couldn’t fathom the dream. I woke up to see if Sis was still around.

The shocking part was, the sleeping arrangement is the same in reality. Can you imagine how shocked I was? I cried abit ’till I was able to sleep again.

Then I was with a few people in the room. Relaxing, as if in a hotel room. I don’t know where exactly. I thought I saw Pw. I was preoccupied with something… I can’t recall what. I can visualise the white surroundings but I can’t recall what I was doing then.

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I don’t know what exactly is bothering me. I’m supposed to feel carefree, what with the exams already over and the holidays are here to succumb to.

Don’t know if this holiday is what I’ve been looking forward to after all these months. I wish I could have some pretty surprises.

I only wish for one.

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There were those times when I thought so simply of life. There were those times when I trusted people so fairly easily. But, I thought otherwise after how I got taken advantage of. After how my ignorance seem to be easy target to their cruel jokes. After how I always got bullied.

I thought differently after that. I began thinking that there’s always plenty of different reasons for a certain action taken or a word said. There’s always different ways of interpreting something. The only problem is that I can never be sure which is the right reason. I won’t know for sure unless I’m the person who did it.

And so, I can never figure out people. And so, I will never figure out what is it about me that puts them off nor will I ever know what is it about me that no one seems to like. What is it that causes them to stand back and not approach?

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Will I ever get my answer?

Guess I will never be a simple person, no matter how I hope so much to be. The feelings I have for the people around me are too complicated. Even I don’t comprehend.

Will it help if I was stupid-er? Or dense-r in the grey matter?

Should I just overlook whatever that comes by way…