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August 1, 2008

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1, 4.

July 28, 2008

Today marks the 4th after the 1st.

Wonder where will this lead us to…



July 25, 2008

How the heck do you get over being insomniac?

I’d thought the lethargy would just hit me and put me to a deep weighted slumber but it seems highly impossible at the moment. I tried ridding my mind of all negative thoughts and still am unable to close my eyes without having them eyelids flickering back wide opened. I tried putting calm serene thoughts to my mind, but force seems not a reliable method after all.

So how now brown cow? A phrase my friend used to love saying.

Ya know, I’d always thought no amount of words on this space would attract anyone. But I just found my first knitting post on another so-called wordpress blog. However that blog seems to me as if they’re collecting the posts for traffic’s sakes. Ha! Yes, I shall not divulge the link lest something bad happens to me!

Oh that brings me to the wandering thought. Should something awful happened to me, who’d come straight to my rescue, aight? I will never know until that something happens. Until then, there’s no use for me to wander / hope / expect. Lest disappointment would fill me up should I happen to end up, ya know in the graves.

Yes positivity is a hard thing to maintain, I realised. There was never that much positivity posed to me in my life for a start. So trying to have it only now eats me up sometimes. Ya know, I used to think that being too optimistic will only lead to grave depths of disappointment should my positivity fail to work out. Then again, being all pessimistic halts you from giving your all. Putting in your fullest potential to be happy. Trying to balance the two is currently driving me to my omniversent friend, the wall.

It doesn’t help you know. All your life, when you thought you could finally do something that you want, and then you get a critic at the sides. The sides you’d thought would support you no-matter-what-happens. All your life, when you thought if you finally had someone there always-standing-by-you-no-matter-what-happens, life would be more fulfilling to live by and I wouldn’t need to be so independant. There was always this notion that I live by that the eldest sibling has to be stronger and more independant than the younger ones. Yes, I tried very hard to live by that belief but along the way there were hitches. Instances, when I just broke down. I couldn’t handle all the emotions myself after all.

Maybe I’ve watched a soap opera / drama too many. Watched ’till I get delusional? Or is reality that hard for me to accept?

It’s so freaking hard for me to get to sleep in peace these days. Unless of course, I tire myself out entirely during the day that I have to just lie down and shut my eyes.

Damn insomnia.



July 22, 2008

Sometimes things happen so strangely, you don’t know how to fathom them. Neither will you be able to understand the reasons behind them happening.

I was surfing through some written thoughts of my friends, acquaintances and people whom I have met throughout this journey called life. There are people who do actually take the face value of whatever’s brought to them. I realised I don’t.

Almost always, I never fail to try and dig up every ounce of history, past, present or even reason of why is it brought to me. Without any of this additional information, or should I fail to get any, or think that the information is insufficient to fill me, I feel restless. Maybe not just restless, just not in a stable state of mind. Insanity? Haha, maybe, if it does take me very long to try discover something new out of it. Otherwise, I’m just left with this wandering state of mind, thinking, “Damnation, I am missing out on something, aren’t I?

It was a good thing for me since I was young. Yes, I was and still am a very curious creature. It is one of the main reasons why my mind is never at tranquil. Oftentimes I don’t really get my answers directly from them. I deduce whatever I can from the time they were brought to me. Other times, they still puzzle me.

Like how it has been for the past yes you know  how many months.

I went through practically mental turmoil for the past few weeks, trying so hard to be optimistic because there was no one there who would let me just lean and cry it away. There was once that I did exactly that, but I doubt the person really understood what I was going through. Furthermore, I couldn’t be selfish. I wouldn’t know if the concerned person was going through the same thing altogether. There was only so little communication between us. All I can do now is be patient and wait and give trust like I was asked to.

I don’t know. Maybe my life was never meant to be easy to start with. Yes, I could be the best in what I do if I really wanted to. No one really sees that because I was never allowed the chance to. They weren’t confident of me at all. How can they even know when they never let me show them?

I enjoy learning to do new things, things that I love to do. Things that I’ve always wanted to try and do. Without any formal training. I prefer trying out on my own. I prefer looking at the demonstrations and doing them. You know, like photographic memories of the instances, I remember by seeing. I see and translate to my mind’s language. This never fails me.

And this is exactly how I learnt to play the piano, no matter how amature I was and still am. As long as it’s music to the ears. This is exactly how I did the jobs that I enjoy doing. This is exactly how I learnt to do each and every single craftwork that I see and want to try (which is infinite!). This is exactly how I practice the language I want to pick up. Well my ears work the same way as my eyes do.

Just when I was at my wits’ ends last Friday, a mail came for me.

Finally, they’re accepting me. I will have a job.

Although not 100% my ideal job, but it is something I enjoy doing. I have a habit of picking out what children are weak at, like a pattern that they show to me in their work. I correct them by giving them a reminder. A reminder that they should never fail to remember. It has worked so far with the children I’ve worked with in my current part-time stint. But I’m limited to only how much I can provide to them, as the centre’s motto is to be independant learners. But in this new opening, I can tell them everything that I want to tell. I only hope that they will accept me the same way I accept them.

I am afraid of the resistance, but which job doesn’t have it? Now, everything’s pretty much in tranquil. I hope it will stay that way or having some spurts of joyful surprise every now and then.

I may still not fathom why my path is that hard but I hope that it won’t get any harder than it already did. I just want to try taking the face-value  of things right now. Too much indepth thinking really does tire me out. Especially the insomnia that comes along with it.

To positivity and cheery lives ahead.




January 4, 2008

Hello to the new year!

Betcha those who’ve been reading had thought me dead or something along that line or perhaps gone from the writing/typing world.

Well sorta just because I haven’t really found the time to indulge in my own thoughts.

Lots have happened in the past 6 months or should I say in the year that has just passed us. Sometimes when I stop to reminisce, it’s like I can still think back to the times I was still in the Uni. Time do pass us by fast.


After graduation, I didn’t really set down to think on what I really want to do. In fact, it was more like finding a job in haste. Just trying to get an average paying one while I really decide what to do in the meantime. In that 6 months I’ve spent; meeting new people in a wholly different environment, learning things out of my league, learning to cope, learning to deal with people from all walks of life, managing relationships with people, maintaining them; on an occupation totally unexpected of me but I learnt quite a hefty. In terms of facing my fears. In terms of facing unexpectedness. Every minute on the job could be anything from known to the unknown.

Many people would think that this job wouldn’t require much and perhaps just facing the drone of picking up the damn phone, but once you’re in it, you might beg to differ. Well, at least this is my opinion of it.

I learnt to digest new information and find ways to relate them to people, no matter how hard it was trying to put across to them. Mistakes do come. But they don’t go unlearnt. I learnt to get better but the remuneration did not come along with it. Nor did the promised incentives. They said we would get ’em. But from the moment I started till date, there are those still left uncredited to me as of yet. It makes you wonder where your hard earned incentives all went into. Praises only came in when you’ve put across your desire to leave. Otherwise, you’ll never really know. Furthermore, if we weren’t being converted or have the shift added incentives, we were no different from beginners. Six months have passed but there was no increase or change. What more, they mentioned that there will be a cut and it’ll be a big one. They just can’t say when will it happen or whether will it happen. Yet, they find more to just cope with the bridging to the other side. Well, they don’t have to pay them much over there, that’s one thing everyone can see.

I love my colleagues. I love those whom have taught me much and I really appreciate all their help. Almost all those whom I’ve ever spoken to, there’s at least one good point to tell about. I can’t bear to leave them, not after all those little funny moments we’ve shared. Those little lunches, parties, etc. I respect them.

But the process of it all inside was just too much to bear with. The works of the whole industry within, it was too disorganised. We are bearing too much with the shit. And since the incentives weren’t being credited, I don’t see a point staying. What more with the cut, there would be this uncertainty. Why be cut when you can leave and find a better one elsewhere?


Back to square 1. One reason I left was because I realised it was one thing I wouldn’t want to live doing. I had others that I really want to work with, but it’ll be hard to start from scratch all over again. Seriously, I really can’t find something that I really want.

1. Writing (an interest I’ve always had but I’ve no professional experience nor studies)
2. Designing (same as the above)
3. Programming (as per what I’ve studied in Uni but only passe)
4. Typing (all time favourite: as long as I have a job that I can type in)

Queer isn’t it. I also won’t mind if I had a job that had anything to do with Math, simply because I’m so missing Math. Or should I just teach Math?!

I miss the times when we did Software Engineering in Industrial basis, where we had this major project to have a software designed for used within the Hospital management. I missed those moments too just because I miss programming in those kinds of projects. But other than that particular module, I have no other programming modules that I’m proud of. How sad is that?

If I just settled for a typing/clerical/admin job, that would simply undermine my qualifications (if I even had any…) and the remuneration wouldn’t be that much either. Now that’s the dilemma.

If I were to teach Math in a class full of students, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle it. Then again, what job doesn’t have its challenges aight? And this will be a bonded one, so I can’t just leave either.

Dilemma. Should I just get a 9-5 job? Get a part-time job and take up a course of interest? Now what?


New years bring new dilemmas. Or should I say rekindling old dilemmas. Haha. I am just so funny sometimes. Sigh.

By the by, it has been 9 months plus already. I did learn how to be with someone w/o killing him. Well, I tend to worry too much or have too little trust in someone. Once bitten, twice shy. Who doesn’t? He’s still such a dear to me. If only we could make enough together. I really want us to.

That’s why I have to bloody decide in getting a job! I already nagged him and he found one. Now it’s my turn again.


Been sleeping alot lately, eversince my leave break. Have had funny dreams. Most were to the extent of looking for something while out shopping. I think I’m just deprived of it. Making most of what I can dream of but can’t buy. Haha. By the by, now I’m just getting too poor. It’s not in yet. Even when I left so early, they haven’t credited mine yet. The nerve! They’d better credit along with the incentives too. Don’t know what the M is for if we brought up the incentive uncredited problem and they can’t answer for it. I seriously wonder what’s their status there for. Sometimes I dream of doing funny things to him. I wake up feeling so amused most of the times.

Oh, Christmas has gone and past yeah. So is the New Year. It wasn’t one I enjoyed really, what with me being sick all that. Yet he still stayed to accompany me, when I was sulking on him being supposedly out for Cpy outings with me alone at home. Understand he doesn’t have much either, with his being uncredited as well. So… there we go always at home, TV, eat, games, tease, sleep.

Seems boring huh? Hoping it’ll get better. Trying to cope with the problems together.

That’s enough thought indulging for a night. This is what happens when the indulging comes. Oh shucks. Good night!


tweeee manths

June 28, 2007

The Dear,

Love you to bits! No matter how annoyingly pretend-to-be-cute you are, or how we’re both with tight wallies, or how we have so little time to spend together, or how you’re a f _ _ _ – machine (see prev post), or how I have to run errands for you, or how you keep calling me Ah Gong Gong, or how you enjoy certain things, or whatever it is that you do as you are, I’ll take all of it! Muackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks!

Never expected you to give me anything. Haha, at least cos’ I know the situation. Even though that skinny wallie I gave was just for the fun of it, being able to magically slot notes, like how they demonstrated it. You still used it over your Gucci.

We still haven’t taken a piccie together! Rawr!

I love the bling bling! Hehe, no matter how much it’s worth. I’ll wear it always.

Oh, is it a sign of engagement? -giggles-

You know what? I think your parents like me more than they like you =p Haha, your Dad’s funny. Glad we had that small chat.

By the by, all I ask for is your warmth, your presence, your care, your concern, your understanding, your time, your love, your whatever, always. Sounds abit too much. Yikes! But you’re capable of it =p

Yours always,
Ah Gong Gong ❤