Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

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tranquil

July 22, 2008

Sometimes things happen so strangely, you don’t know how to fathom them. Neither will you be able to understand the reasons behind them happening.

I was surfing through some written thoughts of my friends, acquaintances and people whom I have met throughout this journey called life. There are people who do actually take the face value of whatever’s brought to them. I realised I don’t.

Almost always, I never fail to try and dig up every ounce of history, past, present or even reason of why is it brought to me. Without any of this additional information, or should I fail to get any, or think that the information is insufficient to fill me, I feel restless. Maybe not just restless, just not in a stable state of mind. Insanity? Haha, maybe, if it does take me very long to try discover something new out of it. Otherwise, I’m just left with this wandering state of mind, thinking, “Damnation, I am missing out on something, aren’t I?

It was a good thing for me since I was young. Yes, I was and still am a very curious creature. It is one of the main reasons why my mind is never at tranquil. Oftentimes I don’t really get my answers directly from them. I deduce whatever I can from the time they were brought to me. Other times, they still puzzle me.

Like how it has been for the past yes you know  how many months.

I went through practically mental turmoil for the past few weeks, trying so hard to be optimistic because there was no one there who would let me just lean and cry it away. There was once that I did exactly that, but I doubt the person really understood what I was going through. Furthermore, I couldn’t be selfish. I wouldn’t know if the concerned person was going through the same thing altogether. There was only so little communication between us. All I can do now is be patient and wait and give trust like I was asked to.

I don’t know. Maybe my life was never meant to be easy to start with. Yes, I could be the best in what I do if I really wanted to. No one really sees that because I was never allowed the chance to. They weren’t confident of me at all. How can they even know when they never let me show them?

I enjoy learning to do new things, things that I love to do. Things that I’ve always wanted to try and do. Without any formal training. I prefer trying out on my own. I prefer looking at the demonstrations and doing them. You know, like photographic memories of the instances, I remember by seeing. I see and translate to my mind’s language. This never fails me.

And this is exactly how I learnt to play the piano, no matter how amature I was and still am. As long as it’s music to the ears. This is exactly how I did the jobs that I enjoy doing. This is exactly how I learnt to do each and every single craftwork that I see and want to try (which is infinite!). This is exactly how I practice the language I want to pick up. Well my ears work the same way as my eyes do.

Just when I was at my wits’ ends last Friday, a mail came for me.

Finally, they’re accepting me. I will have a job.

Although not 100% my ideal job, but it is something I enjoy doing. I have a habit of picking out what children are weak at, like a pattern that they show to me in their work. I correct them by giving them a reminder. A reminder that they should never fail to remember. It has worked so far with the children I’ve worked with in my current part-time stint. But I’m limited to only how much I can provide to them, as the centre’s motto is to be independant learners. But in this new opening, I can tell them everything that I want to tell. I only hope that they will accept me the same way I accept them.

I am afraid of the resistance, but which job doesn’t have it? Now, everything’s pretty much in tranquil. I hope it will stay that way or having some spurts of joyful surprise every now and then.

I may still not fathom why my path is that hard but I hope that it won’t get any harder than it already did. I just want to try taking the face-value  of things right now. Too much indepth thinking really does tire me out. Especially the insomnia that comes along with it.

To positivity and cheery lives ahead.

Love,
Me

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Etegami

July 11, 2008

Etegami, a Youtube video I watched by chance.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if all your diary entries were to be painted or visualised into a scroll? A scroll for a year. I wonder where can I find such scrolls here…

Yes, I sound drastically different from the previous post. Well, I simply gave up hope. No one is giving me a chance either way, not even for plain admin temporary stints. I don’t exactly know why. They want me to do things that I do not enjoy. Sales. Hey, I want just a simple typing desk-bound position. Why is it they want me to do something I totally do not like?

Is it that hard?

I sent to many. Day by day. Days go by. I don’t really get the offers that I’d hope for.

There’s nothing for me left to do here. Part-timing can’t last long. I won’t have enough to eat, no matter the scrooge I am. Why is it that I’m always the one ending up like this? Is my life destined to be this pathetic afterall?

My dream was to visualise, to write, to sing, to type lots of stuff, to do any creative thing I could. But no one is giving me a chance to even type?! So what do you want me to do now? I don’t enjoy talking so much, that’s part of the reason why I didn’t find a related talking one. Why don’t they get it?

If things go this bad, I don’t know what I’m living for anymore. When you can’t earn anything, you practically can’t survive, can you?

I don’t know.

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Where’s My Headstart?

June 27, 2008

“What have you been doing this past six months?”

“Why didn’t you work to gain experience?”

“Why didn’t you find a related job?”

Stop asking. Are you even listening to what I have to say? No.

Who’s the one in need of a headstart here? You or me?

You, sitting there. You have a freaking job to even ask me those questions. But have you ever been in my shoes? No. So why aren’t you even listening to what I have to say? I tell you my answers. But noooo, they fell onto deaf ears. Why bother asking? You think just because you have the right to ask me those questions, you can say whatever you want? Do you even understand the people you‘re freaking asking? I dare say no.

Six months, you think I got all the time to myself to idle? Do you even know how many freaking emails I’ve sent out that amount to hundreds and cluttering my sentBox? Do you know how many freaking replied? Do you know how many dumb recruit agents out there who call up and give a so-called phone interview and ask so many questions, which could have been answered if they bothered to read the freaking CV/resume that they themselves requested to be sent to them for review before they even call me up? Do you know how many said, “I’ll call you once there’s an available related position to your needs.” Do you know how many called back? Do you know WHEN they DO call back? Do you know how many interviews I managed to even get called up to?

No. And NO to everything. You know nothing.

But do I rebutt to your argument about me being idle? I say nicely that i required that break while I look for opportunities out there that were open.

No, you refuse to accept my reply as acceptable. You asked why I didn’t bother work part-time here and relief there and gained some experience at the moment of those six months.

Now, tell me. If there is such an employer whom will employ someone for the period of six months knowing that you would want to pursue something bigger, would they hire you? You think they’ll hire someone without any experience for that short amount of time? A definite no, because they want someone whom that requires least surveillance for so that they can cut down the process time. Efficiency.

And here there is a job that says on the application as: Non-XXX Experienced Applicants. But no, they asked me why I did not get experience for it first before applying for the above. Is this a joke played on me or what? You think I applied for the heck of applying? You think I don’t know the gravity of the position I applied for? You think I’m childish to have said what I did? Hey, please read the title of your application form and tell me there is no irony in what you’ve questioned me about.

And you call yourselves the experts? What do you know? Ah yes, you only KNOW how to ask questions. Irrelevant questions to the position you yourselves offer to the people.

No experience required and yet you ask me why didn’t I go gain any if I was interested in the job. You think everyone has only 1 goal for a job? If I did that, won’t that mean I will actually take more than six months since EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYER wants me to have experience, when they freaking don’t give me any?

If EVERYthing needs experience, even the NON-XXX EXPERIENCED applications, WHERE do ALL the no-experience people of this world get their freaking jobs that they DO FINALLY end up with SOME experience?

WHERE IS MY HEADSTART, if you don’t EVEN give me one?

I would have said all the above to you yesterday evening, if I had been in proper mind and health. Alas, I was down with flu and medication really affects me. But did you know about that? No. Where are the people’s conscience? They contradict the very application for the position being offered.

Wouldn’t I deserve that six months break after years of books and exams, should I be joining the likes of you? To suffer the reality of the job, of which you think I do not see and that my thoughts were childish. I thought about this application for years and thought to apply before it was too late, and this was what I got? A demeaning interview session with you.

I have my pride. I have my dignity.

Yes, it’s either NO experience is the problem or possibly you doubt my racial identity. Perhaps you’re racist but you just do not admit it. Perhaps you think I can’t make it and won’t even let me try to prove you wrong. You ask for testimonials in your letter, but in person you don’t even bother to bring it up. So what makes you think you defined my very character correctly?

And for god’s sakes or the world’s sakes, never freaking ask for a resume/CV to be sent to you, if you don’t bother to read it in detail and ask all the same questions that are answered already inside. What? You think people lie in their documents? I admit some of the people I know do that. But no, I hate being dishonest and have to admit that I was without a job. But what do I get in return? Nothing.

I have had enough of this nonsense. I have a life to live and no, employers don’t give a damn. They ask for the very thing that wasn’t needed in the title of the position. Dense or blindness, I do not know.

What do I have to live for then? Is my life that worthless?

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hello 2.0.0.8

January 4, 2008

Hello to the new year!

Betcha those who’ve been reading had thought me dead or something along that line or perhaps gone from the writing/typing world.

Well sorta just because I haven’t really found the time to indulge in my own thoughts.

Lots have happened in the past 6 months or should I say in the year that has just passed us. Sometimes when I stop to reminisce, it’s like I can still think back to the times I was still in the Uni. Time do pass us by fast.

~+~+~

After graduation, I didn’t really set down to think on what I really want to do. In fact, it was more like finding a job in haste. Just trying to get an average paying one while I really decide what to do in the meantime. In that 6 months I’ve spent; meeting new people in a wholly different environment, learning things out of my league, learning to cope, learning to deal with people from all walks of life, managing relationships with people, maintaining them; on an occupation totally unexpected of me but I learnt quite a hefty. In terms of facing my fears. In terms of facing unexpectedness. Every minute on the job could be anything from known to the unknown.

Many people would think that this job wouldn’t require much and perhaps just facing the drone of picking up the damn phone, but once you’re in it, you might beg to differ. Well, at least this is my opinion of it.

I learnt to digest new information and find ways to relate them to people, no matter how hard it was trying to put across to them. Mistakes do come. But they don’t go unlearnt. I learnt to get better but the remuneration did not come along with it. Nor did the promised incentives. They said we would get ’em. But from the moment I started till date, there are those still left uncredited to me as of yet. It makes you wonder where your hard earned incentives all went into. Praises only came in when you’ve put across your desire to leave. Otherwise, you’ll never really know. Furthermore, if we weren’t being converted or have the shift added incentives, we were no different from beginners. Six months have passed but there was no increase or change. What more, they mentioned that there will be a cut and it’ll be a big one. They just can’t say when will it happen or whether will it happen. Yet, they find more to just cope with the bridging to the other side. Well, they don’t have to pay them much over there, that’s one thing everyone can see.

I love my colleagues. I love those whom have taught me much and I really appreciate all their help. Almost all those whom I’ve ever spoken to, there’s at least one good point to tell about. I can’t bear to leave them, not after all those little funny moments we’ve shared. Those little lunches, parties, etc. I respect them.

But the process of it all inside was just too much to bear with. The works of the whole industry within, it was too disorganised. We are bearing too much with the shit. And since the incentives weren’t being credited, I don’t see a point staying. What more with the cut, there would be this uncertainty. Why be cut when you can leave and find a better one elsewhere?

 ~+~+~

Back to square 1. One reason I left was because I realised it was one thing I wouldn’t want to live doing. I had others that I really want to work with, but it’ll be hard to start from scratch all over again. Seriously, I really can’t find something that I really want.

1. Writing (an interest I’ve always had but I’ve no professional experience nor studies)
2. Designing (same as the above)
3. Programming (as per what I’ve studied in Uni but only passe)
4. Typing (all time favourite: as long as I have a job that I can type in)

Queer isn’t it. I also won’t mind if I had a job that had anything to do with Math, simply because I’m so missing Math. Or should I just teach Math?!

I miss the times when we did Software Engineering in Industrial basis, where we had this major project to have a software designed for used within the Hospital management. I missed those moments too just because I miss programming in those kinds of projects. But other than that particular module, I have no other programming modules that I’m proud of. How sad is that?

If I just settled for a typing/clerical/admin job, that would simply undermine my qualifications (if I even had any…) and the remuneration wouldn’t be that much either. Now that’s the dilemma.

If I were to teach Math in a class full of students, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle it. Then again, what job doesn’t have its challenges aight? And this will be a bonded one, so I can’t just leave either.

Dilemma. Should I just get a 9-5 job? Get a part-time job and take up a course of interest? Now what?

 ~+~+~

New years bring new dilemmas. Or should I say rekindling old dilemmas. Haha. I am just so funny sometimes. Sigh.

By the by, it has been 9 months plus already. I did learn how to be with someone w/o killing him. Well, I tend to worry too much or have too little trust in someone. Once bitten, twice shy. Who doesn’t? He’s still such a dear to me. If only we could make enough together. I really want us to.

That’s why I have to bloody decide in getting a job! I already nagged him and he found one. Now it’s my turn again.

~+~+~

Been sleeping alot lately, eversince my leave break. Have had funny dreams. Most were to the extent of looking for something while out shopping. I think I’m just deprived of it. Making most of what I can dream of but can’t buy. Haha. By the by, now I’m just getting too poor. It’s not in yet. Even when I left so early, they haven’t credited mine yet. The nerve! They’d better credit along with the incentives too. Don’t know what the M is for if we brought up the incentive uncredited problem and they can’t answer for it. I seriously wonder what’s their status there for. Sometimes I dream of doing funny things to him. I wake up feeling so amused most of the times.

Oh, Christmas has gone and past yeah. So is the New Year. It wasn’t one I enjoyed really, what with me being sick all that. Yet he still stayed to accompany me, when I was sulking on him being supposedly out for Cpy outings with me alone at home. Understand he doesn’t have much either, with his being uncredited as well. So… there we go always at home, TV, eat, games, tease, sleep.

Seems boring huh? Hoping it’ll get better. Trying to cope with the problems together.

That’s enough thought indulging for a night. This is what happens when the indulging comes. Oh shucks. Good night!

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sacrifice

March 12, 2007

Sacrificed my weekend for a 9:00 – 18:00 job, helping out at the openhouse in school. Got paid like 10 bucks per hour. Good money, ain’t it?

Downside is that, I could have been at home slacking and doing some homework in between. I didn’t get to do any. At most was perhaps a few games when I reached home, or I just K.O.-ed or I’d have to discuss a tad few things regarding projects. Even then, it was brain-draining.

At school, I’m like a whole different person. When I reached home, I’d either turn melancholic, depressed or too tired out – mostly due to the same reason.

It is a big sacrifice, I must say. Given the fact that I have the regular number of weekly assignments due and projects to start doing. Surprisingly, they’re all pretty much lagging. Sigh.

All in all, it’s not impossible not to catch up. But I did have my share of fun while at work. I can tell you, I haven’t laughed that many a laughter eversince the semester started. I’m glad I met the people I did. 2 days, but it was memorable enough. It was like we knew one another for semesters!

Guess you can get all the fun you want, especially if you chuck aside thoughts of nagging responsibilities at bay and throw no airs. Of course, you have to pay with a dose of lethargy as well. It was a hell of a fun 2-days though we were suppose to sell our faculty. Haha!

I shall remember how they were mean to me too! I was called xiao gui a.k.a hantu kecil a.k.a small ghost / small kid just because. Rawr! And all the scandals they invented of me and a few guys… That was it man. I shall slaughter you guys when I see you in campus the next time! I’ll remember obsolete unc mike and the chindian accent and the laid back L-O-L guy. Of course, there’re so many other things to remember like our little factory that was set up and how we competed for re-productivity (quoting: cyn). Haha! Madness… and you’d think we’re computer nerds. You wouldn’t believe that sweeping statement if you heard our little and loud conversations. Man, I’ll miss these 2 days. Oh! Mr LMB is so cute! Haha, he’s so fun to tease! I couldn’t believe that he’s trendy enough to go shop around those lines of pushcarts in Bg Vill. He has this huge white watch bought from one of them! He actually teased me back a few times later, lol! And you have all these smart people having fun along with you, getting to know one another. Initially, I felt inferior to them but the feeling tapered off somehow.

Man, it was way too cool to forget.

If only such laughters were that easy to come by… Helps you forget what you’ve been trying so hard to.

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quit

August 17, 2006

Only one week of the new semester and I feel like…

QUITTING.

Sigh.

  1. I can’t continue working while studying.
  2. I haven’t finished reading up what I’m supposed to.
  3. I haven’t gotten a clear space for myself.
  4. I haven’t really gotten my time sorted out properly.
  5. Books are so freaking expensive.
    – Beginning J2EE 1.4, from Novice to Professional by Apress publ.
    – Computer Graphics with OpenGL by Pearson publ.
  6. I can’t celebrate my birthday =/ as I’d thought I would.
  7. I wish I had more surprises, maybe at least one to start with…
  8. Morale’s low everytime I see the amount of things that I have to read up about.

I want more Monokuro Boo(s)! If only there’s a folder version of it…

I need more time.

Depressing.

If only good things keep dropping from the sky for me. And the bad things just get washed away into the abyss.

I think I need more mental and physical space. Sigh.

Getting broke after confirming the Scrapbooking Workshop I mentioned the other day. Of course, including the never forgettable expensive textbooks.

When will I ever have the time to read everything?

-+-+- 

Monday, I didn’t have any lessons. So I was out to work as usual.

Tuesday, I had a 2-hour lecture. Realised that the lecturer’s really cool =) Then, I had to rush off to work because they were really short-handed. Had lunch with them afterall at Cine, before rushing off. Was starving and ended up eating more crabmeats and fried food instead of sushis. Oh, they actually didn’t send in 2 of my orders! =( Had to leave, and was short of cash. Thanks M.

Oh, so turns out G isn’t taking the module. So, I’ll just be leaving the books with him for the time being. Since, he lent me his for the SS. So yeah, maybe I’ll sell them only after the next semester.

Wednesday, I had another 2-hour lecture. Another funny lecturer. Man, this semester’s full of funny lecturers o_O Then, tried to find some books but couldn’t. Only found it today, in fact. Then left for home, before leaving again for the surprise birthday party for B =) It was helluva fun! Haha, there wasn’t much to be talked about, except of course to S and Y. The rest were the seniors and some new ones. B forgot my name! =( Photos turned out quite blur, sad. Well, lucky I caught a video of the critical moment! XD It was fun though I was already tired out from school and everything. Did enjoy myself. Thanks S =) Oh yeah, we got home by lorry, thanks to one of the new ones I met =D Surprisingly, B messaged everyone, including me as a show of thanks o_O I don’t remember giving him my number, nor do I remember having his. Oh well~

1 word: fun

Thursday, thankfully I only have 2 lectures today; 5 hours straight. Next week, it’ll be 7 hours straight. Help me survive! The trip to and fro Biz is just so horribly crowded and long and… I got so sleepy just after the first 3 hours T_T Then G and I went to get the books after the CG lecture. The lecturer was interesting but just a wee bit too monotonously soft. I nearly dozed off and knocked the caucasian seated to the right of me. Later tried helping G to do the sums he mentioned, but alas to no avail. Dragged my feet then all the way to Och Emld to pay for the workshop. Really looking forward to it!

One complaint I have. The Sci CO-OP is just too much by removing all the computing stocks and placing them in lesser shelves. Like wth? I mean, it’s like making us seem significant or something. The replaced the shelves with A WHOLE BUNCH of sci books. Like hey, couldn’t you just give us some decent shelves or something? Their arrangements are all so crappy! Disorganised.

I’m so glad I’ve no lessons tomorrow. I still have a project meeting to attend to though. Which means…

Finish reading up the Proj Spec.
Ballot for tutorial slots.
4pm at the Student Lounge.

Bring myself and my brains along.

Read up on J2EE, OpenGL, SS Readings.
Start SS Tutorial.

-+-+-+-+-

Oh, I forgot to mention. I don’t remember which night was it, but the yearning was so great I actually dreamt about it. I was so eager to make earrings, after seeing some cool ones on the net, just about last weekend. Then when I just pushed it to the back of my mind, the dream appeared. I actually dreamt that I was out shopping with Mama and Sis at this particular craft shop. It so happens I was browsing around and I came across the shelf that had the hooks, chains, studs and loops all hanging on the shelf, with the navy blue tags that screamed “Earrings” on the packets. It was so surreal, I really thought I wasn’t dreaming about it. Not until when, I excitedly screamed to ask Mama and Sis to have a look and the scene somehow changed. I was there looking at shoes, instead. Then somehow or rather, there were bags too, still in a shop-kinda-scenario. Then we were out of it somehow and then there was this guy there. I think Mama actually had a chat with him or something and gave him money? I don’t quite recall it. I only remember her reaction after that: “He told me he’s gay.” I was like “WHAT?!?

I don’t know what was that about, as in the later part of it =_= I do hope that the shop where I found all the materials I wanted, does really exist! OoOoOo~

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off-ache-mares

June 17, 2006

Heyyyyyy, whoever's reading that is, hey!

Okay, it's not as if life's that great okay. I have a freaking back ache, thanks to a game of badminton of like 1hr 45min, with only a single partner, on a late Thursday afternoon. The best part was when it was only 20min into the session, when both S and I felt like we're goners; perspiring all over and panting like never before. Guess what Twin said?

"You're old already, don't be so havoc… Take care of those old bones, don't crack 'em…"

Can you believe it? I'm growing old! T_T

Oh, I have an extra 2 days off of work, thanks to the permanent staff going on a staff retreat. So there goes my Wednesday 'till this Sunday. I mean it's great to have a long off, but it's not quite at the right timing. Gah, not as if I have any great plans to start with. Blah.

Thursday and Friday have been spent with S, badminton, talks, eats and hairdos. I got a new haircut. Well, not that new. For once, I thought about keeping this fringe, since it looked kinda nice in one of the mags. The haircut didn't turn out like I'd wish for, but oh well, doesn't matter anyway. At least I have lesser hair for now. It gets hot time to time, ya know. If only I could have those indie dyed locks. Sigh.

Oh, thanks to Mama's call, I missed the bus-stop and had to walk a bus-stop's distance back to Andy's salon. Blah. I could only feel the intuition that I missed the bus-stop. Can you believe it? I mean, I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts on. But the feeling was there, when the bus just drove past the intended stop.

To-date, I've bought McD's on my way home from work, for Sis, thrice. First time, I was pissed with the people because my order came in FILO: First In Last Out. What kind of queue is that?

Since my last entry, I've had a couple of very interesting dreams.

I was in a very huge place. Seems like some kinda house, but I don't know why I recall having seen numbers on the doors, like that of hotel rooms. Yet, they couldn't be hotel rooms, because the rooms were all different; different interior designs, each seem to hold an identity of its own. Yet, I thought there was one instance when our family was there. Each person to a room. I kind of like the room I was in. I like all the rooms as they were arranged accordingly, systematically, very organised. I thought I saw make-up in one. And in another I thought I saw some very pretty ornaments. I can't recall what, though. Then there was another instance, where I think we were supposed to hide or something. We were still venturing around the same area. I could actually get lost around the place, not knowing which room was which. The rooms could seemingly change. Yet, some of the rooms seem peculiarly familiar, like I've been in them before. But, all the rooms were in violet shade, violet interior. Everything seemed violet. Then I think at the back of my mind, I was thinking karaoke. But why karaoke? I don't know. I seem to be wanting to know more of every room that was there. The place was huge…

We were in our previous house. The white marble floor, the grey gate. The gate was locked. Mama, Sis and I were inside the house. He was on the other side of that gate. He was trying to get in. He screamed and yelled to get in. But we wouldn't let him. I saw fear in our eyes, our faces. The shock, yet the determination not to let him in. He seemed like a crazy man. We just tried to hold the gate steady. Then there were people crowding around on that same side of the gate, asking people to call 999. They were trying to get him away. I don't know if we know those people, but I do know the one person who said "Call 999" was a guy. I don't know why the scene changed and he was there with us. He seemed dangerous. When he got hold of Sis, he pinched her nose. I don't know why that would seem dangerous. But his voice was, his demeanor, his emotions. They were all signs of danger… I don't at the least like him. He freaked me out.

There's a scene where I'm a teacher. There were male students. It seemed so Japanese-like. Then there was a guy running into the woods or something, and I ran after him… Japanese teacher-student drama?

We're in Sis' room. There's a baby doll atop the study desk of hers. It was life-like. It could blink its eyes like as if it were a human baby. It could talk too. It jumped down from the desk to the floor. It talked, I couldn't remember what. Then there was another similar doll which did the same, but that one could be minimised to the size of a CD. I don't know why, but there was something sinister-like with one of the dolls. It gave me a weird feeling. It didn't really surprise me that the doll could talk. But I knew that my Sis would be freaked out.

I was atop a stack of cubes. I don't know how big I am, but at least I think I'm me. I'm supposed to get to something. I don't know why a moment later, I'm supposed to be out because everyone else left. But there I was trying to find my shoes? Or was it my rollerblades… I couldn't find them anywhere…

It's either I have a very wild imagination in my subconscious, I have some life that I am unaware of, dreams like what people define them as, or I'm predicting something or depicting some part of my life.

I wonder what's bothering me that causes me to be in denial about.

Oh yes, a kid stole my eraser.

He went for a trip to Thailand for four days.

I wasn't bothered to go online.

So there's the update, if any.