Archive for the ‘Dead cells’ Category



September 26, 2008

Oh did I tell you?

I decided to move. Just because I got simply too fed-up with a certain someone. I don’t know who or what is that someone thinking or doing anymore.

Fed-up lah!

To the point where everything just came to a standstill and nothing transpired to inspire me. To the point where I decided to move.

Everything else moved except something.

Anyway, decided to change the train of thoughts to something that I’ve always been enjoying/wanting/intending/been meaning to do. It’s only for a start. Maybe I can earn moolah some time in the future, out of it. That is provided I get good enough and enough materials to make with.

If you do happen to see a cow somewhere on wordpress. That’s me. A different version of the cow, though.


That’s it. I got too fed-up since July-Aug. Till now September.




July 25, 2008

How the heck do you get over being insomniac?

I’d thought the lethargy would just hit me and put me to a deep weighted slumber but it seems highly impossible at the moment. I tried ridding my mind of all negative thoughts and still am unable to close my eyes without having them eyelids flickering back wide opened. I tried putting calm serene thoughts to my mind, but force seems not a reliable method after all.

So how now brown cow? A phrase my friend used to love saying.

Ya know, I’d always thought no amount of words on this space would attract anyone. But I just found my first knitting post on another so-called wordpress blog. However that blog seems to me as if they’re collecting the posts for traffic’s sakes. Ha! Yes, I shall not divulge the link lest something bad happens to me!

Oh that brings me to the wandering thought. Should something awful happened to me, who’d come straight to my rescue, aight? I will never know until that something happens. Until then, there’s no use for me to wander / hope / expect. Lest disappointment would fill me up should I happen to end up, ya know in the graves.

Yes positivity is a hard thing to maintain, I realised. There was never that much positivity posed to me in my life for a start. So trying to have it only now eats me up sometimes. Ya know, I used to think that being too optimistic will only lead to grave depths of disappointment should my positivity fail to work out. Then again, being all pessimistic halts you from giving your all. Putting in your fullest potential to be happy. Trying to balance the two is currently driving me to my omniversent friend, the wall.

It doesn’t help you know. All your life, when you thought you could finally do something that you want, and then you get a critic at the sides. The sides you’d thought would support you no-matter-what-happens. All your life, when you thought if you finally had someone there always-standing-by-you-no-matter-what-happens, life would be more fulfilling to live by and I wouldn’t need to be so independant. There was always this notion that I live by that the eldest sibling has to be stronger and more independant than the younger ones. Yes, I tried very hard to live by that belief but along the way there were hitches. Instances, when I just broke down. I couldn’t handle all the emotions myself after all.

Maybe I’ve watched a soap opera / drama too many. Watched ’till I get delusional? Or is reality that hard for me to accept?

It’s so freaking hard for me to get to sleep in peace these days. Unless of course, I tire myself out entirely during the day that I have to just lie down and shut my eyes.

Damn insomnia.



July 18, 2008

How do you deal with multiple emotions at once?

I seriously do not know. I do know I have had sleepless nights. Countless. Last night’s was the worst.

I know he’s almost always not free. But last week he did took the time to chit chat with me. This week there wasn’t much communication. It drives me insane.

Not that I don’t trust him but I simply can’t come to terms with the thought of losing him just because we lack communication. What’s worst, it doesn’t help that I do not fathom the reason as to why he surfs those sites. Is he really giving up on me?

Am I that hopeless or not good enough for him? He thinks I don’t trust him enough. I do trust him. But it shook my trust everytime I saw that. I mean what is the point of wanting me to trust him if he’s on the search for something or someone else even…

I don’t know what to do. He isn’t really willing to open up. I don’t even know if he doubts anything about us. I want this to work so much that I don’t know whom to turn to.

Am I that insecure a person?

I don’t know how to put to words the heaps and mountains of feelings built up inside. It’s burning me away but it’s as if no one really understands. They think I’m strong enough to not even be this emotional. I haven’t been feeling really well because of this. I don’t know what else to do anymore.

And there I’d thought it’d be the end of my job hunt. But no, I don’t know why people like to toy with me. I always end up signing what does not seem reasonable to me at all. I don’t know what to do anymore. No one is willing to listen. I mean how much help can they only confer. I am suppose to help myself but I feel so dreadfully helpless. So much that I have to convey my feelings either in writing or this abandoned space that no one even reads. Talking hurts. Each time I try to say something to convey my emotions, it is almost always taken in the wrong way.

No one really understands me, not even now. This is no different from the start of this typing business. I don’t know where else is my comfort zone other than this space.

It’s like human interaction doesn’t work anymore. As long as I don’t know what the other party really wants from me, I keep holding back. I keep holding back to give my all.

I love you. If only you understand me.

If only someone is just there for me to lean and cry on. Everything will be ok…

It beats crying to myself alone surrounded by 4 walls, a door and a pair of windows. I don’t know who would bother saving me from this.

I feel sorry to myself. It’s like I have not done enough for myself at all. It’s like there’s no one out there who really appreciates me for who I am and worth. Am I worth that little to this Earth? I’m starting to ponder that thought.

I’m lost. Will someone please help me. I feel so in pain.



July 11, 2008

Etegami, a Youtube video I watched by chance.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if all your diary entries were to be painted or visualised into a scroll? A scroll for a year. I wonder where can I find such scrolls here…

Yes, I sound drastically different from the previous post. Well, I simply gave up hope. No one is giving me a chance either way, not even for plain admin temporary stints. I don’t exactly know why. They want me to do things that I do not enjoy. Sales. Hey, I want just a simple typing desk-bound position. Why is it they want me to do something I totally do not like?

Is it that hard?

I sent to many. Day by day. Days go by. I don’t really get the offers that I’d hope for.

There’s nothing for me left to do here. Part-timing can’t last long. I won’t have enough to eat, no matter the scrooge I am. Why is it that I’m always the one ending up like this? Is my life destined to be this pathetic afterall?

My dream was to visualise, to write, to sing, to type lots of stuff, to do any creative thing I could. But no one is giving me a chance to even type?! So what do you want me to do now? I don’t enjoy talking so much, that’s part of the reason why I didn’t find a related talking one. Why don’t they get it?

If things go this bad, I don’t know what I’m living for anymore. When you can’t earn anything, you practically can’t survive, can you?

I don’t know.


Where’s My Headstart?

June 27, 2008

“What have you been doing this past six months?”

“Why didn’t you work to gain experience?”

“Why didn’t you find a related job?”

Stop asking. Are you even listening to what I have to say? No.

Who’s the one in need of a headstart here? You or me?

You, sitting there. You have a freaking job to even ask me those questions. But have you ever been in my shoes? No. So why aren’t you even listening to what I have to say? I tell you my answers. But noooo, they fell onto deaf ears. Why bother asking? You think just because you have the right to ask me those questions, you can say whatever you want? Do you even understand the people you‘re freaking asking? I dare say no.

Six months, you think I got all the time to myself to idle? Do you even know how many freaking emails I’ve sent out that amount to hundreds and cluttering my sentBox? Do you know how many freaking replied? Do you know how many dumb recruit agents out there who call up and give a so-called phone interview and ask so many questions, which could have been answered if they bothered to read the freaking CV/resume that they themselves requested to be sent to them for review before they even call me up? Do you know how many said, “I’ll call you once there’s an available related position to your needs.” Do you know how many called back? Do you know WHEN they DO call back? Do you know how many interviews I managed to even get called up to?

No. And NO to everything. You know nothing.

But do I rebutt to your argument about me being idle? I say nicely that i required that break while I look for opportunities out there that were open.

No, you refuse to accept my reply as acceptable. You asked why I didn’t bother work part-time here and relief there and gained some experience at the moment of those six months.

Now, tell me. If there is such an employer whom will employ someone for the period of six months knowing that you would want to pursue something bigger, would they hire you? You think they’ll hire someone without any experience for that short amount of time? A definite no, because they want someone whom that requires least surveillance for so that they can cut down the process time. Efficiency.

And here there is a job that says on the application as: Non-XXX Experienced Applicants. But no, they asked me why I did not get experience for it first before applying for the above. Is this a joke played on me or what? You think I applied for the heck of applying? You think I don’t know the gravity of the position I applied for? You think I’m childish to have said what I did? Hey, please read the title of your application form and tell me there is no irony in what you’ve questioned me about.

And you call yourselves the experts? What do you know? Ah yes, you only KNOW how to ask questions. Irrelevant questions to the position you yourselves offer to the people.

No experience required and yet you ask me why didn’t I go gain any if I was interested in the job. You think everyone has only 1 goal for a job? If I did that, won’t that mean I will actually take more than six months since EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYER wants me to have experience, when they freaking don’t give me any?

If EVERYthing needs experience, even the NON-XXX EXPERIENCED applications, WHERE do ALL the no-experience people of this world get their freaking jobs that they DO FINALLY end up with SOME experience?

WHERE IS MY HEADSTART, if you don’t EVEN give me one?

I would have said all the above to you yesterday evening, if I had been in proper mind and health. Alas, I was down with flu and medication really affects me. But did you know about that? No. Where are the people’s conscience? They contradict the very application for the position being offered.

Wouldn’t I deserve that six months break after years of books and exams, should I be joining the likes of you? To suffer the reality of the job, of which you think I do not see and that my thoughts were childish. I thought about this application for years and thought to apply before it was too late, and this was what I got? A demeaning interview session with you.

I have my pride. I have my dignity.

Yes, it’s either NO experience is the problem or possibly you doubt my racial identity. Perhaps you’re racist but you just do not admit it. Perhaps you think I can’t make it and won’t even let me try to prove you wrong. You ask for testimonials in your letter, but in person you don’t even bother to bring it up. So what makes you think you defined my very character correctly?

And for god’s sakes or the world’s sakes, never freaking ask for a resume/CV to be sent to you, if you don’t bother to read it in detail and ask all the same questions that are answered already inside. What? You think people lie in their documents? I admit some of the people I know do that. But no, I hate being dishonest and have to admit that I was without a job. But what do I get in return? Nothing.

I have had enough of this nonsense. I have a life to live and no, employers don’t give a damn. They ask for the very thing that wasn’t needed in the title of the position. Dense or blindness, I do not know.

What do I have to live for then? Is my life that worthless?


def_n: M-level

January 5, 2008

I’d thought I’d missed out typing one day late after the last one. Guess I lost track of time. I’d thought 2 days had just passed.

Last night, it was decided that we’d meet out since J is leaving for his exchange for 6 months to Pennsylvania, US. So we did.

I haven’t seen them since September 07 and yet the only familiarity I’d had was with M, as usual. Also perhaps maybe little chats here and there with My & bf, Pl and Wt. Other than that, most of the time I was just staring into space or listening in to what the others were conversing about.

Feels so strange that I’m seen to be the quietest amongst them, when before we all got together, I was the source. If I hadn’t suggested to M (then a game friend) to bring his friends along to that orientation that we had, none of these would even happen as they did. None of us would have met and grow to whom we are today.

Funny thing is, regardless of how long we don’t see each other, M still feels the same to me. Everyone else, well, depends on what I can think of to speak to them about. R seemed aloof as usual. Not sure why. It’s like the aloofness I’d seen when we all first met. I don’t know why he still has that brought along with him.

Maybe this is what I’d refer to as:

“People are brought together for a reason. They will then separate when the reason is no longer there.”

“Meeting many people, not everyone stays as friends. Some end up as mere acquaintances. Others will be friends for a period. Soon that period will end as well. Even best friends may no longer see each other when the time arrives for it.”

We meet for a reason and when time comes for us to depart, we can’t sit and dwell. Everyone has to move on. Life moves on. You can always think back about it. Reminisce the good times. Recall the bad. Still, not all relationships can stay the way they were. Not all. There are exceptions, especially for people who don’t find reason to be friends or to be together. These people are those that when they meet, they just click all over again. It doesn’t take time for them to think up a topic to chat or discuss about. They just start. Talk. Tease. Play. Joke. Argue.

If you ever come across the above kind of person, it doesn’t matter even if you lose contact by not meeting up. If future has it that you’ll meet again, you’ll meet again and times will be like past times.

And so yesterday was like those times as usual. None of them are close to me. Even M, is the above person I’d just described. The kind that just sinks in to me when we meet, we don’t even need to think of a topic to talk about.


So, that was it and yesterday went past.

Then there are times when I’d think about the people around me. Whether I do have a reason for being with them or wanting to be with them. But there’s none that I can think of. It’s like I just want to be around them. I just want to be with them. It’s both a want and a need. What justifies the need, I can’t find words to describe.

There are people that I’ve lost touch with. People whom were those I was always around with. Then again, not all of them I’m at the M-level. (Hmm, new definition: M-level of friendship / familiarity!) Probably because I’m not so much of a conversation-starter. That’s why I’d think of it this way. If a conversation could kick off between I and one other without much thought, I’d define it as the above.

For past friends, I can’t say much. Probably because in the past I was a pretty noisy thing. I’d crack up something strange or amusing I knew and told those around me to start a conversation. But soon enough, that kind of died down. 

Now if I do ever mentioned something, no one really listens. Either they’re too busy or they were too caught up in their thought. There are those who did listened but their faces did not tell it. Sometimes I brush the ignorance off. Sometimes I get very annoyed. Sometimes I get pissed. But who ever cares?


Last night, he shared with me the goals that he had in mind for his work. These were actually asked for by his boss. I really appreciate it that he shared them with me. Other than the little grammatical errors here and there, I can feel his sincerity in the written piece. I just hope that when he really does succeed, he does not forget whom has been with him, supporting him, suffering with him and helping him along the way. Hopefully his pride and ego stays clear even after he succeeds. Well, just because oftentimes it happens otherwise to many other people I know and have heard of.

If only he’d share more about himself.

Oftentimes when he’s not at work, not eating, not watching TV (intently & hates to be disturbed), not on the phone, not with his friend, not fishing, not sleeping, not … I hardly ever get to just talk to him. Sometimes when I just want to share something I saw on TV or the likes of it, he’d just turn for 5 seconds and that was it. I don’t always get his fullest attention like I’d like to.

Even when he has work to do, he’d just disappear and lock himself up in the other room to use the phone, without telling me what he was intending. I mean, lock the door? If he’d said so he needs to make calls, I wouldn’t even enter the room, would I?

There are times when he just has to go work everyday. I can’t really complain. I mean he’s doing this for his job. But, there are times when I just want to feel his presence. I don’t mind waiting till he had to leave the house, then I’d leave together to get my meal. Rather than going out to buy my meal and then returning home not seeing him already, because he’d left after me. I don’t know why he just won’t let me. He’d insist that I go find my food, instead of waiting for him. When I’d said I’d wait, since it was only about 15mins or so, he just rushed and said we could go. Rushed, meaning wrong wallet, no cards, no cash. And so it becomes my fault again for having him rush himself.

I’m like ??? Is it wrong to just want to wait for him to leave and then I can get my meal of the day? I’ve already waited the whole day since he left early this morning to go for a Cpy-organised cycling event. And when he reaches home, he barely says anything much.

Why isn’t there room to talk? Time to talk?

I’ve naught the slightest idea. Maybe I shouldn’t be around so often. Then I wouldn’t feel so ignored. I can be so bothersome. Aren’t I?



June 26, 2007

Hello world once again!


Getting by each and every day has been quite a ride for these past few months. So many things that I want and hope for and yet they can’t be attained in a whim. All talk and no action. Oh and yes after these long few months, there are some things that I happen to have and shall continue to keep.

Whatever it is, I am now a graduate! Will officially be one on the 6th July, 8:00pm. Even the ceremony itself had me debating whether or not to attend. Even though I have so-called graduated, I find myself lost.

I was lost for the past month or so. Figuring my direction and whether or not I’m making the right choice for a first move. You know, it is kind of bothersome when you think back on experience. There were times when you really consider and think through in thorough about something and yet the result did not turn out as thorough-ly great. There were times when you make decisions in haste and just jump the wagon and still the result did not turn out as great. Then you wonder what was it that when wrong. Was it just you or your luck? Or was it all destined to be that way.

There was a time when the laptop was cluttered with my incessant collections of information, pictures, new gadgets and the like. I wanted to spring-clean the contents of the laptop. Then WHAM! the laptop went kapoot. The RAM became obsolete and I had to get it replaced. Thus, the laptop has an awfully new memory. Brainwashed literally. Spring-cleaning, eh?

There was a time when I’d thought that it didn’t matter what job I got, as long as they paid me and I am able to survive. Moreover, it didn’t help when the Mum insists that you get a job ASAP. So WHAM! I just went ahead with whoever answered my application first. In the end, the Dear wasn’t very happy with the contract that I signed and seriously advised me to just quit on the spot or try stalling for one. The Mum agreed with the Dear, interestingly. And so WHAM! I became unemployed once again. So much for trying to get a job…

That brings to the other point. I don’t know what kind of job to look out for. Weird, ain’t it? I mean, people have goals to work towards and ambitions and the like. And me? What I did aimed for before, are all out of reach. It’s either the relevant qualifications or the expectations of the employer. And so, even though I have many different interests to look out for, none can accept me. And so WHAM! I just applied for whatever that will accept me. And one of them got me. Now, it’s really a new beginning again.

Why is it that I always end up doing what I don’t really wish to? It’s either the obligations that are proposed or simply due to the wrong route that I’ve been taking all these years. They never were what I seriously wanted. They were just new things that I can learn and adapt to. It happens in that every phase of my life, where I have to change environments. Surprisingly, I learn to survive in that every phase, no matter how pathetic I was through it all.

Interests. Interests. They’ve all gone into cobwebs. I never get to seriously pursue them as work. I wonder when will it be the day that I am able to. I want to do what I like and get paid for it!

Oh, and the special person that I met a few months back. It’s almost three months now. I never really was expecting anything. Even with all the faults and the misunderstandings and the troubles and the little time we have together and the differences, it was another WHAM! that I just agreed to.

The Dear, I love you regardless of whatever you were made of and whomever you were. I’m real glad to have met you and will continue to even if you’re a f _ _ _ – machine.

First correct entry for the mystery word above will win a prize!

Haha! To happy days ahead all!