Archive for March, 2006

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no time

March 31, 2006

I've had no real time to myself.

Either I'm trying to deal with not being sick or deal with prioritising my assignments. Some ended up as late. Some just cannot be late. When is it ever fair to me? The ones that cannot be late are done for the sake of those involved. Mine are left to be done later. How fair is that?

Just don't really know what to say. This week has been terrible. Next week will be so too.

It's neverending.

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8 people

March 28, 2006

Sunday night had been a really really dreadfully tiring one. To the point where I slept at about 3am, and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Thereby skipping my first 2 lessons of the day and deliberating to go for the 3rd one, which in fact was skipped altogether; even though I was already in school. I ended up just getting to school, handing in that dreadful assignment and went back home.

The ulcer sucks big time. It hurts to eat. It hurts to swallow. It hurts to talk.

Anyway, that late night really gave me a handful of dreams. Of which, only one was really significant to me, cos' I recalled it and was abruptly woken up…

My subconscience tells me only 8 of us will be there. I see two tables. I don't why I remember almost tracing along a wall or even passing by the walls. The ambience was dark orange to magenta, almost romantic. The kind you get if you attend those formal dinners of the sort. The romantic sort. Not so much of the dark sort. It was just rather dim to the point where I only noticed the people's faces, their body structure, their positions and not so much about what they were wearing. Almost a second later, when I'm taking in all the ambience, I find myself nearing the table. I see them there: F, J, H, S and Sh. I remembered there were 8 people cos' my subconscience tells me so, but I can't make out the other two. They were somewhat blurred; perhaps unimportant to me or I do not know them. Two tables. I see J there. He was kinda early. I don't remember any conversations. I just know our eyes met. He was seated. Then I sat down. Apparently, I shared a seat with F, though it was kinda squeezy. Funny. I don't remember seeing their outfits but I can feel that they're clad in formal attire. I was actually surprised that F came, cos' I remembered she never attended our prom night that other time, only visited us after it ended. She was seated on my left side. To her left, was J. I was wondering how come I'm sharing a seat with F, instead of S. I was quite surprised at the outcome. Then I saw S and Sh seating at the table across us. I can't really make out their expressions. But I felt as if they were quite far from us. Then H came. I stood up and went to get him to our table. I did it as though the gesture was normal under the circumstances. He sat down to my right. I sat back down. J observed H and the way I went out and back. Yet, I felt as if it were ordinary. It certainly had been a while since we all get to meet one another on such an occasion. We haven't met in a while, the feeling was. Yet, it's as if the seating arrangement was expected somewhat. The dream faded…

I don't really quite understand it. Firstly, how can there be an occassion where there's only 8 people attending, and a formal one at that? Secondly, never have I dreamt of a certain group of people I know meeting up altogether in the same dream. Thirdly, the exchanges that occurred and the arrangement are not exactly what would happen as of the now.

I found it rather strange to dream of them all in one dream. Usually the people are rather jumbled up and put into a weird situation in the dream, like my dreams before. Yet, now it's in a literally peaceful setting. Whether or not the people's minds in it were peaceful, I wouldn't know.

I told the people I saw in my dream about the dream. Well, the first one replied saying that I was funny. He replies that every other time, anyway. The second replied asking whether I sent the message to the wrong person. Not the reply I'd expected but in the end he still continued to ask about it. The third person replied asking what was weird about it. Another just listened to me explain in detail. This one was easier to tell cos' she knew the full state of mind I'm currently in and of course, typing is easier than texting.

Best part was, all of them asked about what were they doing in my dream. And why was it a formal setting. LOL. I seriously can't answer to that. I only know their positions and their silent exchanges. I don't remember anything else. It was almost quite the solemn kind of setting, nothing like those dreams I've had before. Usually there'll be at least some dialogue. Apparently, I just can't recall any significant dialogue.

I don't know if the formal party will really take place. But, I do know that I miss those people involved very much. I just miss their presence in my life. I miss my teen days.

S said it's probably a premonition of a wedding. LOL!

Oh well… If only I can see them again soon, altogether.

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a thought to note

March 27, 2006

It's just interesting to note, isn't it?

There are things, which I never told anyone, but kept within my room or my Sis' room. As a matter of fact, when I say I never told anyone, it means I never talked about it to people outside of the areas mentioned. There are also things, which I never told anyone, but kept within this space. Thus, meaning, only people who know me, will probably know what I'm talking about. Others will probably be just curious as they blogsurf. Or others may come to big assumptions even though I never mentioned names.

Rather interesting really.

Someone mentioned to me yesterday about me creating a ruckus over it all. When in fact, we never talked. I never told her anything. Even if there was anything that was stated in between the lines of my pseudo name, no one asked about it. I really wonder wtf was she getting worked up about? Of course, when people suddenly asked you something, you ask back about why they asked. And I honestly thought that perhaps they were that worried about that cos' that's all they asked about. Nothing else. What more do I expect anyway. It's all work. Like any other groups, when people ask me something like that, it's just their ultimate result at stake. Never really anything else. It's all in working partnership; nothing but getting-the-job-done matters. If it really was concern, I wonder what was the concern about.

I was of course so very drained trying to compile the damn document from so many different people, who uploaded their parts at so many different timings. It's like I have no life of my own or they expected me to stay up 'till that late. I'm no superhuman alright? Then you came and asked. I only asked back a few things. You say I'm getting all worked up and even exclaimed wtf. Like hello, if you really look at it, sitting where I'm sitting, it's you who's getting all worked up. I didn't say anything to you before, did I? And you said I'm picking things over everything you said. You only talked to me then. How much can I pick on that?

Then again, how would you know, anyway. This is not meant for you, is it?

Once, someone called me real paranoid, cos' I admitted being so. I admitted being so, so that they would understand why I am the way I am. Not so much as to let them change the way I am. I think that person's paranoid now. Not me.

Interesting, really.

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Memo 2: another avalanche

March 26, 2006

Okay, my essay's handed in yesterday. My 2nd Lab was disastrously done at the eleventh hour, but luckily it was still marked. Just half the marks, though. I did badly for one midterm. I had okay marks for my quizzes. Haven't heard the results for my other midterm. Some of the projects were okay so far. Some are just disgusting.

There's more to come. It never ends, does it?


Memo

  1. LAT3201 Comprehension & Lesson 54-55 by Monday 27 Mar '06
  2. LAT3201 Writing Homework by Wednesday 29 Mar '06
  3. CS2104 Lab Assignment 3 by Wednesday 05 Apr '06

Tests

  • LAT3201 Conversation Quiz 3 on Monday 27 Mar '06 
  • CS2104 on Tuesday 28 Mar '06
  • LAT3201 Writing Quiz 2 on Friday 31 Mar '06
  • LAT3201 Conversation Quiz 4 on Monday 10 Apr '06
  • GEK1519 on ???

Deadlines

  • LAT3201 Second Draft of Newsletter Proj on Monday 27 Mar '06
  • CS2102 Project Report on Friday 31 Mar '06 @ 5pm
  • LAT3201 Final Draft of Newsletter Proj on Friday 07 Apr '06
  • CS2102 Project Demonstration on Wednesday 12 Apr '06

I need a breather. No one seems to understand how big the avalanche is for me. It never dissipates. Just keep growing.

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a thought

March 25, 2006

Having quite a lot of problems. Not necessarily people problems. Just problems. A whole muddled pile.

Just a thought. Should there be people reading this, when I didn’t tell them about it, it’s just their plain luck I guess.

Either they grew smarter, or they were just that lucky.

Or really concerned? Nah, more like intruding. If there was concern, there would have been questions posed about it.

At the end of the day, they’ll still probe by reading, anyway. Who doesn’t? Not when it’s all out here for all to see. It’s public. Even I would.

People have different perceptions. They bring about different definitions of certain words and the understanding of those words, even though there’s only one meaning to the word, as in the dictionary. Interesting, eh?

So if you don’t see something eye to eye, and can’t understand it, let go. I did. Of course my letting go means ’till I have nothing to do with it. Zilch. Less hurt. Hurts less.

Just a thought, should there be anyone out there, who happens to read and realise the identity of the writer, you’re just plain lucky or you might have just gotten the wrong person.

Some things are not what they seem.

One can never truely understand the mind of a writer. No matter how hard one tries.

I’ve only come to realise that recently.

 


Why would you think that? You think you’re the cause. Why would you even think that? I’d only get the impression that you have a guilty conscience. So no matter how you say it’s not like that, it makes it all seem just it. 

Apparently, it takes more than one stupid thing to make me this annoyed, angry and disgusted. There’s more than just one that makes it all very horribly disgusting to me. And why only ask about it now? You’ve never asked before.

It hit a nail on you? Even if it wasn’t meant for you?

Interesting. Laughable actually.

No one understands, anyway. If anyone did, that anyone wouldn’t be reading such posts at all. Wouldn’t have existed.

If even one person could understand me, I’d give the world to that person.

Few people actually listen to me. Few people actually let me listen to them. Few people actually really talk to me. And I mean talk, or even to start a conversation with me. Those people can either be my classmates, friends or family. Cos’ they know I don’t talk at certain times, they still try to talk to me. They actually ask after me. Of course, I do that too. It’s just the timing. I just really appreciate the fact that I don’t have to take the initiative. I’m tired of always taking the initiative.

I finally understood someone today. After really being with her, I find her really nice. She’s nice, pretty and has a certain personality, which I took time to see. The impression changed. I’m actually appreciating the fact that I know someone who’s smart, yet just herself.

I like brainy, pretty and modest people. Oh, I know one who isn’t quite the modest one. I like him all the same, though. Cos’ I know him.

So my a thought turned out to be many thoughts. Oh well~

For the record. For the record.

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antibiotics; nerves; anonymosity

March 23, 2006

As I’ve said, the Doc will earn more money, which he did. He gave me some extra strong antibiotics and boy is it strong. I came to find out that the same antibiotic is used to treat HIV-related illnesses, in the web. Just the thought of that sent me shivers.

I used to take this cephalexin when I was 12, and broke out into rashes. Apparently, cephalexin is somewhat milder, but helps cures the problems that I had and am having. Turned out that I’m allergic to penicillin, thus allergic to cephalexin.

This time around, I don’t know what triggered the weird ailments again. But, the swollen lymphnodes on my neck are much bigger and hurts more than that last time. Even now, being the 3rd day into medication, it will just throb and lead me to headaches and a painful right eye, if I don’t take the medication.

If I have to go back to the Doc’s, I don’t know what to expect.

It’s really freaking me out.


 Yesterday, I so didn’t want to go for classes. But, I had to. I had this short talk that will be graded and the whole class had to do it. So, I did went afterall. 

I was thinking I’d be okay since I’ve been reading the prepared talk over and over.

When I first sat in class, the tutor just totally asked me to be the one to handle the feedback forms for the talks, just cos’ I was sitting at the edge. Weird thing was, when I moved to sit with my friend at the center table, he still suggested that the edge would be more convenient for me. Apparently I found my choice more convenient cos’ it became somewhat easier to just ask your classmates to pass around the forms. In the end, I kind of got their names better and there was communication in the class. I thought that felt better in the class. I don’t know if my tutor realises that.

Names were called out at random, by the picking up of name slips by the previous speaker. I was totally taken aback, just after the first few speakers, mine was next. I don’t know why, but it really got to me.

I became a nerve wreck. Like totally. I could feel it even when I was speaking. The wavy sounds that came out of me. But I just had to keep talking. There were times, when I just had brain blocks but I still kept talking, as if I was talking so excitedly with my friends. I don’t know, but to me it really felt like that. I just kept talking until I thought my time has ended. I did wasted not saying a good line. But well, it’s over.

The most amusing part was, I don’t really understand why they were laughing. Even our tutor was laughing at times. I don’t know whether it was because what I said was funny or how I said it, was funny.

But, at least I had one thing cleared: They weren’t bored. I only didn’t want them to be bored. Cos’ someone at home said so.

But… I WAS A TOTAL NERVE WRECK. I just don’t know why I couldn’t calm down. It just really got to me. Argh.

Then, everyone else went out talking so calmly. I’m envious. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I got pretty high marks for the user manual assignment 🙂 But, I’m still amused by the fact that I got higher than my partner. I’d thought my part was too simplistic. I’m happy for myself.

Think I might just flunk the short talk.

By the by, I’m suppose to be attending a lecture as I’m typing. But, I’m still at home. I don’t know what made me not go, but anyway, I think I’ll do some fruitful things for the time being ’till I’m off for lessons at 2pm. Or maybe I should just rest.

I’ve been feeling so lethargic lately. Waking up is a chore to me, even though I slept for more than 8 hours. Waking up is like waking up with that swollen node in the neck, headache and eye ache again. It’s never a good feeling.

I don’t know what’s bloody wrong with me!? If only I could return to normal…


 I’ve just had this thought lately. The anonymosity is really giving me a sense of ownage. A sense of satisfaction with the fact that people do not know me. 

They always say, if you do not know someone, don’t even try to judge that someone.

Now, I come to think that perhaps, not knowing the person will actually help in getting another point of view. Getting other opinions is always better than getting those biased to just make you happy.

Cos’ I always had this thought that, they may think it’s okay but what about the people on the outside? You can’t see everything if you’re cooped up in that cage of a clique all day. You can’t feel other people if you’re cooped up in that cliqified methodology of thoughts and emotions. Isn’t that why it’s always better to have someone sitting on the fence?

You may think it’s better to always stay in that particular group of people. But what you don’t see is when you are left all alone.

Being alone, won’t lead to people categorising a certain ring of people because you become obvious to them that you are in a ring. Being alone, especially for those lessons, where you know no one, actually helps you observe other people. Get to know other people. It helps me to just want to know people cos’ you share the same interest in the subject. I don’t know them all that well, but their company during lessons is really gratifying. Even if I had their company outside of lesson hours, I won’t feel all that comfortable. Cos’ I prefer just sitting alone in the bus all the way home. I don’t talk, when I’m tired. I don’t talk, when my brain has shut down since lessons for the day has ended.

I don’t mind being alone during my free time cos’ I know I’m not alone during lessons. I meet really interesting people and I like it that way. Anyway, it’s not as if I have that much free time this semester. I almost have none of that. Unlike some people.

I always thought a group project is one, where you really talk about it. Apparently, this time around, these two people really don’t see the need to talk about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with them. But seriously, it’s plain disgusting to have them that way. Since you’ve done most of it, without me knowing you actually did, you dump the rest on me, eh? Great. Just great.

You don’t even attend lectures and tutorials. How am I to even meet you?

I do have my share of not attending lectures, but it’s cos’ I’m unwell. I don’t know about you. Why should I even bother anyway. Now I just don’t see the point of keeping the contacts. I have to ask you then you tell me. Do I have to do the asking everytime? Do you actually understand the term group project?

It’s utterly laughable. I don’t know what you people are doing.

Anyway, I love the anonymosity of this place. Few people know I’m here. Bliss.

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monday

March 21, 2006

Pain. More pain.

It feels as if there’s a tooth growing. But I see no signs of it. Instead, it’s quite a big swell in the gums on the side of an existing tooth. Added to that, the existing tooth is getting pushed out of line.

Worse still, the swell at the side of my neck is not getting any better.

I don’t know what to do.

My throat isn’t getting any better either. No matter how much water I drink. No matter how cooling my clothes are. No matter how cold the air-conditioner is. My throat is still feeling the heat.

Relief poured over me after he talked to me. But hey, you could have mentioned what has been done with it earlier, right? Yeah, maybe it’s cos’ it was only done recently. I feel insecure but I don’t why. Only a tiny bit of that insecurity left.

Now I’m insecure with what’s going on inside my body.

However, I felt real happy today when I saw K. Haven’t seen him surface the area in a very long time. Lol 🙂 Feels nice to have someone call you adik, especially if you can only call your siblings adik. Haha.

Tutorial was a whack. The other tutor couldn’t come today and was replaced by my Thur tutor. Lol. It was a whack cos’ this classmate of mine is a total whack too. My goodness, had to do so many partner conversation practices with him and he was a total clown! I had to pause for a number of times, trying to stop myself from laughing till I choked and coughed (remember my irritable throat?) before I could clearly continue with the conversation for our tutor to hear. Whacked!

Bummer. I think I shall see the Doc tomorrow morning. Will miss the tutorial again…

Tuesdays are the Doc’s lucky days.