Archive for June, 2006

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untitled

June 30, 2006

Simply because nothing comes to mind that fits to title this entry.

People say “You can’t lose what you never had.” No matter how I keep rewinding that sentence through my mind, I still feel as if I’ve lost something. I don’t know.

I didn’t lose my bearings before it. In fact, I just lost my patience because I felt as though I was driven to the wall of desperation. Not desperate to get it, but more like desperate to get the point across. So much was talked about and seemingly linked to what I’m trying to hint and yet it didn’t seem to get across. I just realised that there’s no difference to whether I did it personally or via other communicative media. The person was the same altogether and so was the person’s reactions.

I don’t know how to describe my own feelings after that. I didn’t lay out any expectations. To me, it didn’t really matter whether the reply was a neg or pos. Maybe I was just misled the whole time, when I was expecting a reply. It kept me hoping to a point where it didn’t matter what the actual reply turned out to be.

I know it’s peculiar. I didn’t really feel sad. I didn’t really feel heartbrokened. In fact, the initial feelings didn’t change, the feelings that started everything. Maybe I was a tad disappointed. But, the best part to it is that I wasn’t disappointed with myself or much that of the person. I was disappointed with how the situation turned out. I don’t know.

It was impromptu. It was in the heat of boiling desperation to be heard. I didn’t lose anything even when I received that sort of reply. I just stopped thinking. The thoughts stopped. It’s like the eraser just worked its magic without me thinking about it. The thoughts, though rewinding again and again, didn’t hurt me or anything. They just faded into oblivion until I fell asleep.

I might be in denial about myself but I can’t really tell. Usually only my dreams will tell the truth. Sadly, I can’t recall what was dreamt about last night. I only know that I find it strange that I’m not even intending to ignore the person. Everything just seems normal to me. Maybe it’s the way the person replied. It seemed so non-chalant. I’ve never come across such non-chalance before. It’s attracting me instead of repelling.

It’s weird but I just feel as if the person’s keeping something from me. It’s just an intuition but I usually trust my intuition. The thing is, how do you explain to someone that he/she is the one that you seek?

Especially when you can sense where the person is, just by walking towards the person without looking. When you dream so often about the person though you never keep in contact as much. When everything seems so normal when you’re together? How can you explain such things?

They can only be felt and experienced. If only that person could understand this bit. I think that person’s perspective is too practical. You can’t think so much about this subject. You have to feel it to believe it. Or maybe I’m contradicting myself… I don’t know.

I might be in denial about why I can be so neutral afterwards. The fact is, I actually came up with another piano composition, though short one. I usually do that only when I’m really emotionally affected.

But who knows? No one. Not even the person.

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cool it

June 26, 2006

Hey, yeah maybe I was too paranoid. It happens, yeah?

Anyway, sometimes I just read-too-much or tend-to-want-to-read-too-much into the things that aren't so what you would say necessary. Maybe it's just me.

And hey I've got another series of weird dreams. I don't recall jotting them down in here, though. I only recall recounting them to Mama and Sis. So here goes…

There's someone there. I know that someone but I can't seem to see the someone. There were familiars around me too. Something happened, I can't recall what. What I do know is that it was related to me in some way or another. That someone died. I cried. I really cried. I cried because it happened. I cried. Wet pillows and everything.

I was happily bathing, somehow admiring myself or something. Weird, though, the place seems to be a posh bathroom. It definitely wasn't my bathroom. And then I was out, and I was clad in a bath towel. I went somewhere dressed like that. I was then in the lift, along with this other fat ugly guy and he was laughing at me. I don't know why. Then I somehow hid myself by hugging another person. That person's related to me. Don't know if it was Mama. I was still in my towel… Before that, there was a scene of me in a classroom I think. There were lessons. I don't really recall what. Seems to be in Mly, though. Weird. It wasn't really a pleasant memory because I was somehow annoyed in that scene.

The weirdest part is when I see the dreams as if they were a movie-reel. They run themselves in front of me. I actually saw myself, I think. At least, that's how I recalled it to be.

Insecure about what? Myself?

And yeah, I watched Silent Hill that other time. When the scenes of the movie just flashed through my memory as I recounted the juicy bits to Sis, part of the time I was feeling as if I've been through the scenes. Not just watched it. Like how some parts of the movie were similar to certain scenarios of my past dreams. So queer… No, my dreams weren't as drastic as the movie. Just the dusky part of it. Like how my dreams appeared to me.

It sometimes scares me when some of the dreams seem so real. Especially if you suddenly come across an alien place, to be a place where you've been before in another form of yourself. Interesting, isn't it?

By the by, there've been interesting search terms that led people to stumble upon this place. Someone searched the term "moodprints", though. It can't be me, can it? o_O

Well, been up and about to quite unexpected events. At least, I didn't expect any of them to actually happen. This era of my life, I didn't really want to predict anything. I just went along with what was planned. I used to fancy predicting what would happen. That was what led me to being too fanciful with my musings. Oftenthosetimes, I ended up nowhere happy nowhere sad.

So, for the record this vacation, updating from the last time…

  • Spent time with S during the two off days: badminton + hairdo 
  • Went to PL's birthday chalet, ate, talked, cycled. I seriously didn't fancy anything that happened and attracted too much unneeded attention. Don't want to talk about it because I don't want to anger myself needlessly.
  • Had a movie date with someone I really want to be with.
  • Got myself confused, mostly with myself, or was it?
  • Have a job.
  • Had another day off the past week.
  • Talked lesser to …
  • Mapled more.
  • Agreed to pay more for someone I don't quite like.
  • Played badminton on the Sunday that's just passed with F + 2 Sis, K, B, J and others. I felt awkward with J around.

Okay not because there's anything wrong with J. I don't quite fathom it. There's something about him that makes me uneasy. I think it's the way he looks at people. Yeah, maybe that's it. Scary…

I enjoyed the girls' company, though. The rest were fun too =) A pity we didn't drop by B's ice cream shop during his last day of work. Could have gotten free ice creams, hehe.

Oh! Someone stole my badminton racket sleeve!!! I am so appalled. Even an old sleeve can get stolen. I mean like hey, it's at my bag. How can they take it just like that? And theirs, the lousy-thin-materialed one was left behind at the far end of the bench, where they had their stuff put. Was LEFT BEHIND? Like WT…

-ROARS-

Twin's fallen sick. Hope Twin gets better {}{}{} About the pressie you mentioned, I've sincerely no idea. Hmmm, but it's like this, cos' we never really kept in touch. So, I don't even know what to get for her o_O Any ideas?

By the by, if any readers think they know who's the writer, do drop a comment to prove your existence =) I don't eat humans. I bite.

I only want to tell you this. I think I love you. Okay, maybe thinking is not an all good thing. I feel it. If only you knew.

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Dear U

June 20, 2006

U probably doesn’t read me.
Part of me wishes U doesn’t.
Part of me wishes U does.
If U didn’t read me all these while, then U must be clueless about what’s going on.
If U did read me all these while, then U might be just putting on a pretense of ignorance.

Either way, I’m still filled with mixed feelings. Am I supposed to be happy or not? I’m confused. You ask me both ways, and I still can’t answer it. I can’t answer to anything since yesterday because I can’t even answer myself.

This post, if anyone bothers reading, is not a depression post or anything of that sort. But if you’re bothered, you can leave.

U, let me reiterate:

I’m not rich.
I don’t earn much.
I don’t save much either.
I just don’t spend much.

Get the point? I don’t need the money, simply because I don’t spend much. Why bother having so much money? U thinks I have plenty of money just because I handed U 50 bucks to pay for the movie? I don’t remember if I actually told U that I’ll treat U for the movie. But hey, I don’t mind. I really don’t mind it at all.

If I were to go out with any good company or pay for shared presents, I’ll have plenty of money to spare for all of them. Not because I’m rich. It’s simply because I have that amount to spare. Everything comes from my savings. And my savings don’t amount to even 2k.

Don’t ever have the misconception that I’m rich. I just hate that. Everyone thinks I can afford anything in the world. Hey, money can’t buy you everything. It can’t buy me what I really want. So U, think again. Why did I bother spending that money with U?

I’d rather spend money with you, than for you.

To me…. It wasn’t the movie nor was it the money. It wasn’t the time nor was it the place. It was the company.

What was it for you? Was it because it was supposed to be that other show? Was it because it was free? Or what was it?

For the time that I knew U, each time I suggested to give U a treat; a meal or an ice cream. U said, “Don’t need to treat la. I don’t have the money now but I also wouldn’t want you to pay” as in pay for U’s share. But yesterday gave a whole new meaning to it. We didn’t go dutch, U. Or maybe we did treat each other, just not quite the treat I had in mind.

-03.14pm-

I’m not complaining or anything. In fact, it wasn’t until those who cared, asked me about it that I realised I’m rather stupid. Was I too generous with the money spent? o_O

I don’t know. Girlfriends tell me I was. I don’t know what U thought about it, though. Come to think of it, I don’t know what was up with U.

It’s true, I love pats on the head. But only few people pat my head like once in a while. Up till now, only SK makes it a habit to pat my head, like more than twice each time we meet. But, it’s because SK’s my brudder and I’m like a younger sibling to SK. U, why did you pat till I couldn’t count? I asked U “Do you pat like any short person you know?” and U said “Yeah cos’ it’s a convenient height to do so…” or something along that line.

What am I really to U?
A dog, like how you said I seem like?
A younger sibling?
A brother?
A toy?
Just a friend?

What am I really? I have plenty to ask you, but I doubt I’d ever do so. I just don’t know how to bring the questions across to you. There were plenty that I have already asked, but I still don’t seem to get the answers I’d hoped for.

Am I really that easy?

I don’t let just anyone treat me the way U did. I don’t know if U even realises that.

Confused.

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DEAR twin

June 17, 2006

I remember the day that we went to PH and I said "Anything" just because I'd always prefer to accomodate the person I'm with. And you mentioned how lucky the guy who becomes my other half would be, since I'd say "Anything" to anything he'd ask.

Guess what? I've met my worst nightmare, the ultimate match…

"If no XMen, then you still wanna watch mah?"

"Still got what? I anything… You choose lah.."

"Got Silent Hill, Garfield, Omen…"

"I anything"

"Where to watch?"

"Anywhere oso can"

"PS Cinema?"

"Anything"

"What time to watch? You wake up what time?"

"You want what time I wake up what time la"

"Before or after lunch?"

"Anything"

"Do you eat lunch? Don't say anything"

"I am ok" — =___________________=

"That equals to anything…"

"LOL"

"Now I know how my friends feel whenever they ask me for suggestions and I say "Anything""

"You know liao ar.. Not bad. Jia you!"

"Are you sure you have no preference? Don't complain later hor"

"Confirm will"

"…"

Hug vitamins come from only the two of us okay? Heeex =)

Oh, I wonder why I can't be the Anything-person always… Why do I have to decide everything this time around…

-runs to the wall-

I only like this part…

"Do you eat popcorn?"

"Ya"

"Sweet or salty?"

"Both"

Yeay!

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off-ache-mares

June 17, 2006

Heyyyyyy, whoever's reading that is, hey!

Okay, it's not as if life's that great okay. I have a freaking back ache, thanks to a game of badminton of like 1hr 45min, with only a single partner, on a late Thursday afternoon. The best part was when it was only 20min into the session, when both S and I felt like we're goners; perspiring all over and panting like never before. Guess what Twin said?

"You're old already, don't be so havoc… Take care of those old bones, don't crack 'em…"

Can you believe it? I'm growing old! T_T

Oh, I have an extra 2 days off of work, thanks to the permanent staff going on a staff retreat. So there goes my Wednesday 'till this Sunday. I mean it's great to have a long off, but it's not quite at the right timing. Gah, not as if I have any great plans to start with. Blah.

Thursday and Friday have been spent with S, badminton, talks, eats and hairdos. I got a new haircut. Well, not that new. For once, I thought about keeping this fringe, since it looked kinda nice in one of the mags. The haircut didn't turn out like I'd wish for, but oh well, doesn't matter anyway. At least I have lesser hair for now. It gets hot time to time, ya know. If only I could have those indie dyed locks. Sigh.

Oh, thanks to Mama's call, I missed the bus-stop and had to walk a bus-stop's distance back to Andy's salon. Blah. I could only feel the intuition that I missed the bus-stop. Can you believe it? I mean, I couldn't see because I didn't have my contacts on. But the feeling was there, when the bus just drove past the intended stop.

To-date, I've bought McD's on my way home from work, for Sis, thrice. First time, I was pissed with the people because my order came in FILO: First In Last Out. What kind of queue is that?

Since my last entry, I've had a couple of very interesting dreams.

I was in a very huge place. Seems like some kinda house, but I don't know why I recall having seen numbers on the doors, like that of hotel rooms. Yet, they couldn't be hotel rooms, because the rooms were all different; different interior designs, each seem to hold an identity of its own. Yet, I thought there was one instance when our family was there. Each person to a room. I kind of like the room I was in. I like all the rooms as they were arranged accordingly, systematically, very organised. I thought I saw make-up in one. And in another I thought I saw some very pretty ornaments. I can't recall what, though. Then there was another instance, where I think we were supposed to hide or something. We were still venturing around the same area. I could actually get lost around the place, not knowing which room was which. The rooms could seemingly change. Yet, some of the rooms seem peculiarly familiar, like I've been in them before. But, all the rooms were in violet shade, violet interior. Everything seemed violet. Then I think at the back of my mind, I was thinking karaoke. But why karaoke? I don't know. I seem to be wanting to know more of every room that was there. The place was huge…

We were in our previous house. The white marble floor, the grey gate. The gate was locked. Mama, Sis and I were inside the house. He was on the other side of that gate. He was trying to get in. He screamed and yelled to get in. But we wouldn't let him. I saw fear in our eyes, our faces. The shock, yet the determination not to let him in. He seemed like a crazy man. We just tried to hold the gate steady. Then there were people crowding around on that same side of the gate, asking people to call 999. They were trying to get him away. I don't know if we know those people, but I do know the one person who said "Call 999" was a guy. I don't know why the scene changed and he was there with us. He seemed dangerous. When he got hold of Sis, he pinched her nose. I don't know why that would seem dangerous. But his voice was, his demeanor, his emotions. They were all signs of danger… I don't at the least like him. He freaked me out.

There's a scene where I'm a teacher. There were male students. It seemed so Japanese-like. Then there was a guy running into the woods or something, and I ran after him… Japanese teacher-student drama?

We're in Sis' room. There's a baby doll atop the study desk of hers. It was life-like. It could blink its eyes like as if it were a human baby. It could talk too. It jumped down from the desk to the floor. It talked, I couldn't remember what. Then there was another similar doll which did the same, but that one could be minimised to the size of a CD. I don't know why, but there was something sinister-like with one of the dolls. It gave me a weird feeling. It didn't really surprise me that the doll could talk. But I knew that my Sis would be freaked out.

I was atop a stack of cubes. I don't know how big I am, but at least I think I'm me. I'm supposed to get to something. I don't know why a moment later, I'm supposed to be out because everyone else left. But there I was trying to find my shoes? Or was it my rollerblades… I couldn't find them anywhere…

It's either I have a very wild imagination in my subconscious, I have some life that I am unaware of, dreams like what people define them as, or I'm predicting something or depicting some part of my life.

I wonder what's bothering me that causes me to be in denial about.

Oh yes, a kid stole my eraser.

He went for a trip to Thailand for four days.

I wasn't bothered to go online.

So there's the update, if any.

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communicate

June 13, 2006

Is it ever possible that people communicate in their dreams?

I'm actually wondering if it is really possible.

Last night…
Was still unsure of whether to go watch a movie so early in the day… Didn't know if there were such schedules in the cinema. Then he said "Hey, wake up already! There's a show at 9am! If we don't go now, we're going to miss it…" I was surprised really "Are you sure? What show is it?" And so he said "…." (I swear I actually read the title of the movie out, but I can't recall it… argh..) I was somehow stuck in that zone of reading out the title of the movie, or even looking at it. Then it changed scenes. I don't know if I did watch the movie or not, but it felt as if I told him we'll go another day. Then I was in this house. The floor was marble white, walls were white-washed. Clean looking house, white, wide. I walked across the hall, then to the balcony, if that was what it was. The weather looked fine. There's a pinewood cupboard, with glass-paned doors, looks seemingly like the one I have in my room. It was to the left of me. I think I was talking to either my Sis or Mama, I can't recall. I only know the person was a real familiar. Then there was this storm. Previously, I thought I had windows at the balcony. Maybe I saw wrong. They were actually doors. Like as if, we were in a bungalow, and that was the backyard area or something. I can't really visualise where the house was situated. I tried hard to close those doors because the storm got really strong… The next thing I ever vaguely remember is that there's a coin…

I don't even know whether I recalled them all correctly. It's a vague recollection after a day at work. So it might be tainted with faults of forgetfulness. I don't know why the storm was there…

What was that about?

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progress

June 12, 2006

Progress of all manners.

Progress of my so called project ROOM equates to almost 0 progress.

Progress of work, well I almost killed a kid last Friday. Here's what my friends thought:
"You murdered a kid?"
"You threw a kid out of the window?"

Well, it's a long story. But of course, I wouldn't do anything to harm the kid. In fact, it took all the energy I had for a day of work to tolerate the kid for like an hour. His session's suppose to last only for 3/4 of an hour, but he dilly-dallied and made me slow down in my workload. Well, at least the other kids understand why I couldn't mark their work in time. I really thank my blessings for having tonnes of angels and only one devil amongst the lot.

What really aggravated me and really made me boil inside, curbed eruptions of anger all focused to force the boy to focus in his work, is this:

"What's after 29?"
"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"
"Come on, concentrate. You know the answer, but you keep making mistakes."
"50? It's 50."
"No. Try again, it's not 50. What's after 29? Check the sequence."
"But my father tells me it's 50. You don't believe? Give me that other paper.
Give it to me. I show you. My father says it's 50.
"

And he continued challenging me, with the "My father says it's 50." for the rest of the session. And that face of his, which keeps turning away to look at others, instead of doing his work. And that "After this page, I'm done? Yes? I can go home?", which of course he turned to the last page of 10 pages, skipping all in between. He refuses to recognise his mistakes, nor learn from them. He refuses to concentrate. He refuses to even do his work.

I can't give answers because my job is to guide them to the answer. They're supposed to be the lot of independent learners. It's only when they genuinely don't know, do we come in to help. But, for his case, it's a matter of behaviour. He kept doing guessing games with his Math. I didn't want to scold him for that would make me look scary in front of the other kids. But, he just wouldn't listen until the older teachers came by to give him a real talking to. Sigh. Am I capable enough?

I was still a tad slow for that day. Maybe it's just the mood. Hopefully, the next day at work gets better.

Progress with dreams. I don't recall dreams as much anymore, unless they're significant. Yeah, you know like favourite dreams and those regular dreams. Or maybe, they're just not meant to be recalled. Haha. Maybe, it's because my life's currently at ease? Dreams are conjured up by deep thoughts and problems? — that's the theory I have now. Anyway, there was this series of dreams that I had on Friday night. I don't recall the whole series of it. But I do remember that there was this one part of it, where I felt something.

Yeah, it's another dream of H. Don't ask me why. Maybe, it's really just an inner desire, my unconscious mind leaked it out, or I conjured it up as a dream after thinking so much about it in the day. I thought about it, I didn't really think of anything along that line during the day. I was always thinking that it was just me.

I dreamt that he said "I love you" by running his finger across my chest, writing the words while mouthing it. Yeah, those who know me, you can laugh =_=. I thought too much, eh? That wasn't what scared me. What scared me was the part when he said it and motioned it, I felt it. No, my arms were around my bolster. So, don't say I imagined it. I literally felt it and I felt that kinda ache in the chest when someone says that to you and you want to say the same words back. Now that's freaky. I don't know how a dream can make your heart ache. Like how I had dreams that really made me cry. My pillow was wet with tears.

I literally felt it. Had these kind of dreams before?

The tears, I can explain that I really cried. I cried a few times before. But a heart ache? That's the first I've ever had in all dreams. This is soooooooooo going into "Memories".

By the by, H's utilising MSN. You don't know just how happy that made me. It's so inexplicable that I can only keep laughing each time I want to tell someone about it. In doing so, I come out with crazy words and the anxiousness of it all just spills over.

I told twin just last night that

me: tell u smtg… i tInk i'm going crazy cos the guy i always dream about has finally given hIs life to msn last wk

twin: given his life to msn.. that means he is constantly on msn ?

me: no la… i'm exaggeratin hmm usually appears when he's free… and he says he tries to be online everyday… thOu i dUno y

twin: talk to him then

me: yea i happy till crazy… i see hIm online… i go THIS CRAZY

twin: hahaha.. LOVE

me: OMG

twin: LOVE LAH maybe not love. maybe crush. u have to find out !

me: how do u find out that kinda thIng -faints- 

twin: er talk to him lah.. see how is he now.. build bridge

me: no use… i talk to hIm everyday.. i'm still like tHis -> CRAZY 

twin: uh huh that good?

me: hahahaa actually not everyday… almost. but talk nonsense

twin: good lah

me: dUno… dUn talk.. den i like got withdrawal like that OMG

twin: HAHAHHAA wat a sign wat a sign 

me: NO 

twin: =) 

me: (runs away)

twin: i feel happy for u man. really.

me: NO he doesnt noe it i guess LOL

twin: talk more ! u heading the right direction

me: har… what if i run out of thIngs to say man. ahhhhh!

twin: come on u wont run out of things to say one

me: how u noeeeeeeee =S

twin: theres always things to talk abt with ppl u like

I actually enjoyed the conversation! {}{}{} Love you loads! Lol, even though we meet like so seldom.

There was this other time when I got paranoid over something and I didn't want to enquire about it, and S was like "Oh come on, it's really not what you're thinking. Go ask him about it lah!" When people just nudge you like that, it makes me crazier. But, at the end of it, you feel relieved that you could spill your thoughts and heart over to someone else.

The problem is actually me doubting what I'm really feeling. I won't know the answer no matter how I think about it.

"slowly from msn to sms to phone to outings"
"go with the FLOW"

By the way, it's sms. Then there was only twice or thrice where he called, only one of which, did he really chatted with me, mainly to apologize and just chat. Then, he only used MSN like recently, last Monday? Yeah, outings. You know what's the weirdest part, Twin?

While you gave me the idea about movies, I asked him whether he watched XMenIII already or not, just to start the topic. It ended somewhere along the line, where he said "i watch with u la". But, I don't know when will we watch anything because his free day happens to be my working day. Hehe, by the by, yeah thanks for enduring my ever relentless rantings about this kinda topics 😉

classic phrase: "slowly slowly" / "man man lai"

"i am telling you to keep talking to him. not tell you to propose marriage to him."

I cracked up at the last sentence!

Guess you're right about the talking part. But most of the time, it's me who asks about something new. If it's anything that he starts, it's just to annoy me.

Anyway, life's been okay so far. And yes, my Sis is on holiday! While I have to work… Talk about timing.

I'm strangely without those deep thoughts I used to have. Maybe I just refuse to think so much now.

"i want the world in my hands"
"u want me in ur hands? then crash me? then kill me?"

-~-