Archive for April, 2006

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how it was

April 30, 2006

I had a paper yesterday afternoon.

I planned to sleep at 1.30am, the Friday night, and wake up at 5.30am, the Saturday morning. Woe as you would have predicted it…

I overslept. Thrice. After each alarm rang.

So, I only woke up half an hour earlier than the intended alarm set by Mama. The first words I uttered were "die. i'm supposed to wake up and study" and as usual Mama only said "then how?" Haha. Yeah, then how?

So, I only had to face it that I woke up too late. So, I only had to face it that I have to get all the slightest ideas of what kind of questions would appear. Concentrate on the topics that really interest me. Yes, it's math logic. One that I have a phobia of. Ask me, if you want to know why the phobia.

Cos' there were these huge topics and theories that had to be read in thorough detail, before anything could be fathomed out of them. I had to just read the significant bits and try figuring out the big picture. It was kind of too much to expect of myself in such a short time, given that I had to take a bath, get dressed and eat.

Then, when I was finally all done with the trivial matters of daily life, I sat down in front of my desk and shove my face into that puddle of white papers. It turned out to be harder than I thought. I was reading. But I wasn't understanding.

I was day-dreaming.

That was the ultimatum. I had to keep shaking my head to snap out of it. What was I day-dreaming about, you ask? It was a very nice one. One of an ideal situation. Nothing related at all to studies. But, it was kind of ridiculous, cos' I'm not even sure of it currently. There were two protagonists in that fantasy, supported by a cast of friends of the male protagonist. Haha. It was so feeding into what I've always dreamed of, but it wasn't in the right time frame. LOL. For goodness' sakes, I was suppose to crash-revise my logic =_= And I wasn't even acting logically. Duh.

After finally snapping out of it, or so I'd thought, I realised I had little time left to dilly-dally. I had to get myself to the examination hall. I cannot be late twice.

Concentrating to understand, while in the transport carriage, coupled with loud-speaking people and inconsiderate people, I don't even know if I'd understood what I read. Oh, right after I reached the first bus-stop to set off, I realised I only had in hand 4 white books to read for the last time, instead of 5.

I panicked. I rang up Mama. So, I didn't drop it along the way.

To my horror, it was the set of topics that I really wanted to read the most. I was worried they'd come out cos' they came out before in the Mid-term and I wasn't there. Then again, if it already came out before, it won't come out the same again, would it? I didn't know.

So, all I could do was, okay forget it. I'm already late. Plus, getting the book wouldn't help matters. I couldn't possibly remember everything in that short span of time.

But, I was really nervous. I didn't want a second go into the results I got like the first one. They are 2 different modules, but the concept is almost alike. It's just that this one's more into theory and mathematics. I supposedly like it better this way. Plus, I recounted the time, when there was this other module that I took and instead of being mathematical, it was more on the theory. I got past that one nicely, even though I'd thought that my reasoning methods were not as mature as mathematicians would have it. I only wrote what I understood them to be.

I so hope that I've did it for this one.

Anyway, it wasn't so smooth on how it was. I missed the bus. I had obstacles, so I couldn't run for the bus. I had to take another bus and walk the long hot route there. So many guys were having fun with soccer and what not. I really wonder how come they're so free. Then I saw Cv, getting the ball. Surprised smiles were exchanged. I walked briskly all the way to the building. It was jam-packed. Sardines. I couldn't find my little purple paper. Went around to find the seating arrangement and realise that my venue was on the 2nd floor. So, my instincts weren't wrong about my own memory of that little purple paper. I went up. I stood there. The air didn't move. It was still. It was stiff. It was hot.

I was drenched. Imagine how many tissues it took me before they finally opened the door to the examination venue.

I went in. I'd tried reading in that still stiff hot place, but not to much avail. So, I just went in. I saw Krn and we waved. Then headed to find my seat. Swell. It was the last seat of the row. I had the space to myself.

Then, it was time.

Flipped through the pages. More of relief poured through me. The rest of it was nervous curiosity. I attempted them in order of my memory of revision. I tried. At least 9/10 of the questions. I knew some of it was wrongly written, but I still tried. I didn't want to have too many blanks. My whole percentage depends on this paper. I couldn't afford to lose marks without trying.

I didn't want to pressure myself. I didn't want pressure from people. So I was glad that I sat at the last seat. To the left of me, was an empty seat. And the right of me, was rather far right. The spacing was just right. I had space.

But, our lecturer was invigilating. Invigilating's fine. He doesn't just do that. He stops behind you. He reads as you write. He reads as you pause. He observes as you pause to think. Seemingly as if he wanted to see what we wrote as our answers. Once would be fine. But, he did that to me at least thrice or more.

Nerve-wrecking. Especially when you pause to think through, and he does that. It's as if you're afraid that he'll know that you are doubtful of your own answer. The worst part is that he knows the right answer to it.

Was it a good thing or a bad thing? — him doing that too often to the same candidate.

It's scary.

I didn't panic when time was up. I planned to finish as much as I could. I felt relieved, when it was over.

I knew the nagging doubts turned out to be premonitions of mistakes. But, what's done is done.

I do enjoy the module afterall because it's like I did learn something out of it. Not useful to daily life, but just something. I did enjoy the lectures.

It's over. I hope it really is.

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freak

April 28, 2006

freak

Find this familiar? Well, I had a shock really.

I'm utterly clueless as to who's reading. Maybe it was me. Maybe not. Then again, I'd thought any reading done by the owner won't be tracked? So I'm not so sure. Haha.

Anyway, I don't know how it shot up to this:

freak 2

Still curious about it myself. Weird.

Nevermind, I should be worrying about tomorrow's paper instead. It's going to be hard…

Sigh.

Not feeling so good today. I wonder what will be of me tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be able to do it.

Sigh.

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writing; ambitions

April 27, 2006

There's always this thought "who's going to read this?" Why the thought?

"Cos' I'm not a Somebody."

Yet, if you give it some thought, what is your real purpose of writing something in here?

  1. I just wanted to be heard.
  2. I wanted to share these thoughts.
  3. I wanted to try out writing.
  4. I wanted to track my memories and mode of thinking.
  5. The main reader is me.

Those are my reasons. Yet, in the past, there was this other dream that I wanted out of writing in here. That my writing could turn out to be something. Something that I could earn something out of. I guess not, in this life.

Keeping track of my so-called ambitions:

  • publish my poems; to be a poet
  • sketch, paint; to be an artist
  • sing; to be a singer
  • play the piano; to be a pianist
  • design; to be a web designer
  • photograph; to be a photographer
  • communicate, journal; to be in the media industry
  • scrapbook; to be a real-time scrapbooker

And the list goes on, each time I'm faced with a new subject I learnt or faced with the option to study it, the ambition strikes hard. Imprints into my mind. But do any of them seem feasible enough?

It's either I didn't get the opportunity to study the related subject, without the funds to support it, without moral support or without time.

When will I be able to carve something out that I really aim for? I'm not quite so sure either. It's just that a few days ago, I came across this blogger and she's a really avid writer, from what I've read. So she started this little project called Project Pink, to start a collection of entries from any interested female writer, to publish and market. To think that someone has that strong an ambition to start a movement. I mean like, yeah.

Would I do something big like that?

I'd think no, simply because I don't have that much zest for it. But since I was in secondary, I've always dreamt of publishing my own book. It's a rather unique book, because of the way I wrote it. I don't even know if it's the legal form of writing or, not. I don't even know why people would bother reading it, anyway. But I still keep those writings. It's just that I really wish I could see that book on the shelves, being appreciated for the uniqueness that it is.

I'm not just any somebody. But everyone can be a somebody, can't they? It just takes a bit of trust, time and effort.

Can you actually try your shot at everything and still be the best at it?

People say "why be a Jack of all trades, but a Master of none". And yet, I always want to try to do everything but still be the best at it. I don't want to be just mediocre, especially if it's a subject of interest. I don't want to just survive through it and get it over and done with. If I like something, I'd want to achieve the best for it.

Can I do all that in a single lifetime?

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floating

April 24, 2006

I'm floating!

floating (v-n): in the midst of deciding and setting priorities.

Great. I've sorted all my notes and tutorials and tests! Now, it's just to study them. But, I keep feeling the nudge to play instead of study. To top it all, I've been playing for the whole weekend since the first paper, and relaxing; and did plenty of unnecessary thinking.

So, now I've quite lost the direction. I had the direction like a few glimpses of time ago, but the inspiration fades the same way it came. I'm like the unpredicted weather. I can just go hot or go cold in an instant. I think I'm a walking contradiction =_= So much for trying to be logical with myself. Sometimes, I contradict what I myself think.

Okay, that's besides the point.

I have 4 more papers to do. I have to go to school and hand up my book by tomorrow. I have to collect it the day after. I have to collect my pink book tomorrow. I have to study 2 subjects before Thursday is reached. This is to lighten my load and panic for Saturday.

I keep getting hungry every now and then. It's like I'm evolving into a pig; much like what I thought had happened to my twin during the pre-exam period.

Have had these long dreams again. But, it takes so much effort to recall, should I forget the details once I opened my eyes. My dreams are so long, it'll take like an hour or so to type them all out, like it always has. People tell me to stop thinking so much. The fact is, I just try to get myself so tired that I go to sleep without thinking before falling asleep. Whatever happens after that, wasn't even related to what I could have thought about during the awake-time. That's what really amuses me. Added to that, the dreams are just strange. And I can only wake up at least 9 hours after I've fallen asleep. Yet, it feels as if I slept for such long hours. S tells me, dreams takes up rest time, therefore the long hours of sleep. But, I didn't even ask for the dreams to appear. In fact, I dream every night I close my eyes. I just can't fathom why there are others, who don't share the same experience. Am I a normal human?

Anyway, I'm just biding the time away until the zest to study gets back to me. When I start studying, I really prefer not stopping. If I'm distracted, that's the end of it. I'll have to wait for another gush of studying-excitement.

I'm a funny human. Haha, has anyone met one like me before?

Oh, I've been thinking. Thinking of having this space to be personalised. Totally, like hosted on another server, where I can have other things on it. My dream site. One, that I had been working on, but couldn't realise it until the site expired. It's a free site but I only hope to try it out. If it works, I'm happy. Then, it struck me, whether or not to change the layout of this space. The dilemma is, it's not really mine, but I really like it. I'm usually the stubborn one who would try all means and ways to do something to be something that's what I would call mine. If the gush of determination for it fades, don't worry. It will return another time another age. It always happens to me.

I'm really so used to seeing this layout, with all my favourite colour blends on it. I don't know if I can make one that can compare to this.

But I'll have to leave that all to after the exams. Sigh.

Then, I realised my dream scrapbook, has yet to even start. Yes, yes. Sigh.

Then, I realised I still want to have that class gathering. But, I'm doubting whether to even ask S to help with organising it. Come to think of it, I kinda hate thinking that she just gave up on it like that. Yeah, I was pissed with the fact that she can just tell me to change this change that, and her hp was low-batt. That was the most pissing moment ever: my hp low-batt, can you contact them instead? Okay, fine. I couldn't possibly blame her, could I? Oh, and I asked just who did she contacted? I'd thought that they were people other than those I'd contacted, cos' I knew she'd have their numbers. But, it didn't turn out that way. I don't know why she didn't mention it earlier. Then it was like chaos for me. It's easy for her to change things like that, delaying the time.

IMHO, I was thinking along these lines:

If we change the venue, it wouldn't be so bad, since we could still meet. There were people who'd already agreed. Even though, we weren't sure of the number, when I told them there'll be "a bunch of us", they'd agree. Like, hey, if you say it negatively and say "erm, supposedly the whole class…", I can be sure as hell that they'll deny the invitation. When in all glory, if you don't do your part in going, who will actually be there? Sometimes, these people really amaze me. And, it's just a request to meet out for dinner, not exactly anything big. So, if one didn't want to come, it's absolutely okay with me. But, she had to assume it like if so many people can't go, just cancel it. Like hey, if you ask to eat dinner with friends at any time, you can't expect much, right? So even 5 people would be okay. It's just dinner. She didn't really understand it, I think, nor did some of the rest.

If you delay the time, more people wouldn't go

1. Their enthusiasm, if any, would have faded.

2. Those whom you are still convincing, won't even feel encouraged.

3. In summary, any enthusiasm would have died, if the person was already prepared to go out, or already out.

Was any of these considered? No. If something were to be organised, act according to the situation should a plan fail to be executed. In this case, you really had to consider how'd the people react. Don't think she actually thought much into it. To think, she said she "like to organise events". And a day after, she just totally cancelled that portion off the little profile she wrote. When I tried to explain what I thought that night, she just said "forget it, I don't want to know". Like, what kind of attitude is that? If I was in the right mind in the first place, I wouldn't have bothered trying to do all that when I'm so busy. You said that Sunday would be fine, how'd I know that you had something else on that day. If you're tired out from all that and just pissed with me trying to get help to contact the rest, then why didn't you say so. Yes, I was pissed with your phone. I was pissed, when you changed the time and place, and yet "decide what to eat when we meet". People would want to know where exactly, since we've changed plans. That was totally like so non-chalantly said. Argh. I was only trying to meet for a regular dinner. Couldn't you understand that bit? Now, if there's anything to organise, I'd ask the rest to chip in. And it will be just a dinner. If anyone can't make it, it's fine with me. It's just dinner.

Okay, that's enough venting. I just really don't know what to think of her decisions. Sometimes, I really wonder, what we have in common. Why is it, most of the forward things are done by me, and not her. I'd have to probe her, if I didn't want to do something and that she do it for a change. Why is it, that I feel as if she's not living the most out of her life. Why is it, that I feel as if she's not being enthusiastic about things. She seems lifeless to me. Everytime I look at her, I feel that way. She looks troubled; in every direction that I look at her. Can't she understand people? She can't even deal with the previous group projects properly. Where's the pro-activeness? Seriously, come to think of it, it's like I was really utilised as a friend for the OP.

Am I just an asset?

Time for me to eat!

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human

April 22, 2006

I feel so human for once!

Haha!

Okay, it goes like this. I've had the past 5 days to mug for today's paper. Being, the human that I am, I took perhaps half that period of time to do real mugging. The real mugging was of course only done yesterday and a weeny bit the day before then.

Had quite enough sleep before heading to school today. Surprisingly, unlike those papers I've sat for in the past 1.5 years, I didn't feel as scared. I was supposed to, considering the only minute amount of marks that I managed to conjured up for my CA. Still, it felt as if I was prepared, just nervous about the paper. It feels so assuring to know that I wasn't all jitters.

I used to be all jitters and then blacking out during the paper OR 5-10minutes late for the paper, thus all jittery from the time-panic OR Too tired out from insufficient sleep cos' I only did heavy mugging the day before.

I feel relieved somewhat. I know I probably made mistakes in the paper too, cos' it was a killer paper. Yet, I feel as if a small load has been lifted. I'm rather at ease. Can't fully describe the feeling.

I feel human.

It's like I've come to terms to really doing my best and did it. Let go and wait for the results at the end.

It feels awfully refreshing. Much more refreshing than those times when I was all panicky about the paper. Teaches one thing though: panicking does you no real benefit.

Asides that, a here's a little reflection about myself.

Comparing this current writing to that of 2004 (which is still in my hard drive), I prefer this writing; the one that really makes use of English. Real expression of self through writing, rather than those ungrammatical and manipulated use of English. Lol (except for the little "Lol"(s) and the little "Sigh"(s) and the use of "cos'" every now and then) Maybe it's just me trying to really fathom my own thoughts. But, I just feel better writing this way (okay, okay, it's typing).

Ah, I just feel so human today.

Oh, and I've got the marks for the OP the other day. Turns out that we didn't do too bad afterall. Of course, the marks are just considered to be average, in my opinion. Yeah, S got higher by 2. I am a tad jealous, but yeah it has to be my own fault that my part wasn't elaborated as well as it should have. The comments he provided also came across, as those that I never considered either. Shall take it as a learning point.

Perhaps, I shouldn't have looked at her marks, but I was just curious to know what she got too :/ Still, I just feel as if I was being cheated. Haha, can't really explain the feeling. It's like after all the effort, the powerpoint and everything, it's like she didn't contribute much to doing it, just the pictures, and that was cos' I asked her to. Even, scripts, about what to really say, most of the ideas was mine too. I know it's group work, still it's like yeah. It's just my nature to give plenty of ideas. And because of that, people will always say this to my face "you say easy, you do lah. your idea mah". That's what I always get, especially from people who are obliged to do group work with me. Then again, I'd feel the same way, if someone were to come out with such a super brilliant idea but does nothing to execute it. That's why, I'll take the effort of doing what I preach. I do what I say, to prove to them that it's not impossible, that the idea is indeed workable if only effort is put into it. And because, I have a habit of visualising how a presentation or skit is going to be like, I'll end up working with what we have to say, and how we want to say it. So to summarize it all, it's like I've been utilised to the full. But, S is my friend. A very good friend that I always believe to be. Furthermore, that week, she had more presentations to work on, other than the one we had. But, I too, had deadlines and tests the whole week. Was it just me being considerate, doing most of it? Or was it just me, being the friend that always say "nvm I'll do it, you don't need worry". I think I've said that plenty of times to her already. I don't know. There should have been more elaborated for my part, else I wouldn't have ended up with those marks. The fact is, it wasn't really discussed. It's like she also didn't really make up the contents for it. I had to suggest the idea of the evaluation, but ours was insufficient. Ideas from one person just isn't enough. And you'd think two heads would be better than one. She did help in some ways. Still, it wasn't enough.

I may just be complaining about the injustice I've received. But, I don't know whether I should even be feeling this way. It's like she didn't seem to take the OP as seriously as I did.

One has to have passion for something to come out with workable ideas.

I just feel cheated after all that effort. Maybe I should have taken the other role, instead of the one I had. Then again, it's over.

I'm only human.

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intellectually ours

April 20, 2006

I always thought, it was hard nabbing those people who snatch away things from my site and was really paranoid, each time I wrote or created something to be put on it. Of course, those were the days, when I was till using D-X and the idea of having people just selecting, right-clicking, copy, was just too much to bear. Especially if they don't give credit to the original source.

But those were also the days, when I could use the javascripts that disabled selecting and right-clicking. It was just great feeling to know that you can have control over the things you've on display on the web. It gets rid of the idea that what's on the web is free for the taking. The majority will think this way, especially those who have nothing to call their own. These are the notorious people that we detest.

But here, it's hard to incorporate these little things since we can't fully customise the site's html. It's only possible if we do it on our own servers. Still, I believe that nothing is free on the web.

Just minutes ago, I came across this interesting piece written by Lorelle. It's so enlightening and assuring to know that these people can be taught a thing or two. It is really worth knowing that what we have on the web is afterall intellectually ours 🙂

Of course it means, each web to its owner, not all webs to everyone. Each creation to its owner, shared for all to see but recognised to be the owner's. Each creation to be the intellectual property of the creator, the owner. There can only be one owner. But there can be many an audience.

In the case where the ownership is shared, it will be stated somewhere in the source.

It's just a matter of recognising the original source and not reproducing it wholesale-ly as yours, unless otherwise specified. In general, even if you don't see a copyright sign anywhere in the site, you should respect the content found in the site to belong to the site owner and not just reproduce it as your own to the public. Of course, the content on that site must be original in the first place. Lol~

People out there, who like to steal people's content, please be original. For those, who admire people's content and would like to have a copy of it, it'd be nice to link back and give credit to the original source. Be gracious on the web.

It's like living in the human world, we need to be gracious and honest. Stealing is wrong.

Don't people actually feel the guilt?

I do wonder about these people…

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living the dream

April 18, 2006

Have you ever wondered whether dreams are just for the sake of being there or they actually mean something more?

Have you ever dreamt of something, yet it didn't seem like just a dream?

Have you ever lived a dream?

Not the dreams that you make in the day and live the dream to mean realising the dream. But the dreams that you have when you sleep, and you just don't want to wake up from them. Not those wishy-washy dreams. But those that you wish you could have slept longer to discover more from them.

Last night, I had a huge series of dreams. Not those weird funny dreams. But dreams that involved the people and places I know. It wasn't really anything that I fantasized about, cos' the series of events that happened in the dream were really unexpected of. I don't recall myself thinking about them. Yet, it seemed so surreal.

It was as if I was living the dream and that I wasn't just dreaming. I slept for very long hours and didn't realise it. As in, I didn't wake up abruptly or anything. When, I did wake up due to my alarm, I continued the same dream without a problem. It didn't feel tired to oversleep, as if it didn't matter if I didn't wake up.

scene 1:

A bunch of us were talking. Seemed as if there were me, A, J and a few others, whom I don't recall. I know them, but because they didn't say anything, I can't remember who exactly were they. We were supposed to go to B. Timah (or so I recalled…). I don't know whatever for, but it so seems we were supposed to hang out together there. But, when we met up, it was at somewhere else, and we had to head there. I don't know why, but we went our separate ways. In the end, I was in a cab with J. I don't really know why so. But I saw A waving at us as we pass by and him saying something. Maybe it was just me thinking "what would he think if he saw us in a cab together?" Yeah, I was literally thinking it. Plus, I was quite surprised that J took it non-chalantly. We were at the passengers' seat, I was sitting by the left window of the cab, and J to the right. And I only recalled just after I settled down, J sat right beside me. I was surprised of course. But J seemed cool about it and continued chatting as if it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Somehow it got to the point where we were supposed to go back to J's place and get badminton racquets, before joining the rest of the gang. Why was I following?

scene 2:

I was with H. I don't know where we were or why we were there. But, we were eating. More like letting each other feed the other food and enjoying it. It was a peaceful setting, just absorbing everything in.

scene 3:

It's supposedly in a school. I don't recall what the place was, but it was dim and dark. We were made to go watch the movie in partners. I already had a partner, but my partner turned up with another friend. In the end, we went in as a threesome. I'd thought that my partner was Xp. Yet, the recollection seems vague. When the show ended or something the likes of it, I think she left for the ladies. And then there were these people (probably the disciplinary peeps) rushing in and telling everyone "no one is allowed to leave…" until, I don't know the movie or homework related to it was done, or something the likes of it. So, there was this huge crowd trying to escape. A hoard of people were in chaos at this very wide staircase. I was in a loss. I lost my partner too. I ended up upstairs, in a room. Yet, there were this Mly people all in the same room and seemed anything but friendly, and I heard someone shouting orders. So I left in a huff. Ran downstairs… I don't know how I came upon this other room. There were Af and Hf. They seemed as if they were about to sleep, on thin matteresses. I was really comfortable in their presence, though. Then suddenly came St. But I don't know why was St there. Then St was asking me to do a favour, something along the lines of doing something with her. But St didn't clearly elaborate about it. Then we broke into an argument because I wasn't willing to do St the favour. I was thinking "it's only for your selfish gains, now then you find me". It was a pretty heated argument, to the point where I state all the reasons why I'm not willing. Then came a teacher. Looked like the Mly teacher I had in upper secondary. She explained that we had to go somewhere for this favour that St asked me. St wanted me to accompany her. But I exclaimed "where were you when I needed a partner for the movie we were supposed to go to?" I was really upset. I even exclaimed her name in full. But Af and Hf didn't say anything to it. They just left me alone in one corner of the room. Af, consoled S. But it's because Af likes St. They didn't say anything and just slept…

And that was it. I only finally woke up at about 1+pm. It really didn't seem like just a dream. It was as if I lived my life through the dreams.

The first two scenarios seem realistic enough, since they were the people I really hanged out with. They were the people whom I was closer to. But the last dream was awfully ridiculous. In reality, St isn't my close friend at all, not even a real friend at the least. She's more like just a Mly classmate and that's all. I don't talk to her like I do with my real friends. More like just an acquaintance. And, I don't even at the least think about her. And what boggles me further is that they were all Mly people. I don't particularly like my Mly class, nor fancy the people in em. Just a few of them are perhaps likeable to me. The rest, I really give up knowing. It's more like I lived in someone else's dream, for this one.

It's really confusing, but it felt so real. I recalled myself arguing with her, like how I do argue with people in reality. It felt awfully real that it's as if the argument really took place. I don't know when or where. But, it did.

About the other two scenarios, I'd never imagined we would go to B. Timah just to play badminton. Or was it some other faraway place on our island… I only know it was a place I know, yet not a place we would go for such an occasion. And, I only shared a cab with J, seated beside J, once. And that was with Y too. So what the heck was that? And, since when I would be eating with H in that manner?!? Plus, I couldn't see anything else, but just us feeding each other. It felt comfortable. But, the dream's really freaking me out, now that I'm awake. And, how come the dream was so short? It's weird as it is, that it's short, which means I can't decipher anymore out of it. It is as it is.

Argh! Why do I dream so much?!