Archive for the ‘Brain cells’ Category

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tranquil

July 22, 2008

Sometimes things happen so strangely, you don’t know how to fathom them. Neither will you be able to understand the reasons behind them happening.

I was surfing through some written thoughts of my friends, acquaintances and people whom I have met throughout this journey called life. There are people who do actually take the face value of whatever’s brought to them. I realised I don’t.

Almost always, I never fail to try and dig up every ounce of history, past, present or even reason of why is it brought to me. Without any of this additional information, or should I fail to get any, or think that the information is insufficient to fill me, I feel restless. Maybe not just restless, just not in a stable state of mind. Insanity? Haha, maybe, if it does take me very long to try discover something new out of it. Otherwise, I’m just left with this wandering state of mind, thinking, “Damnation, I am missing out on something, aren’t I?

It was a good thing for me since I was young. Yes, I was and still am a very curious creature. It is one of the main reasons why my mind is never at tranquil. Oftentimes I don’t really get my answers directly from them. I deduce whatever I can from the time they were brought to me. Other times, they still puzzle me.

Like how it has been for the past yes you know  how many months.

I went through practically mental turmoil for the past few weeks, trying so hard to be optimistic because there was no one there who would let me just lean and cry it away. There was once that I did exactly that, but I doubt the person really understood what I was going through. Furthermore, I couldn’t be selfish. I wouldn’t know if the concerned person was going through the same thing altogether. There was only so little communication between us. All I can do now is be patient and wait and give trust like I was asked to.

I don’t know. Maybe my life was never meant to be easy to start with. Yes, I could be the best in what I do if I really wanted to. No one really sees that because I was never allowed the chance to. They weren’t confident of me at all. How can they even know when they never let me show them?

I enjoy learning to do new things, things that I love to do. Things that I’ve always wanted to try and do. Without any formal training. I prefer trying out on my own. I prefer looking at the demonstrations and doing them. You know, like photographic memories of the instances, I remember by seeing. I see and translate to my mind’s language. This never fails me.

And this is exactly how I learnt to play the piano, no matter how amature I was and still am. As long as it’s music to the ears. This is exactly how I did the jobs that I enjoy doing. This is exactly how I learnt to do each and every single craftwork that I see and want to try (which is infinite!). This is exactly how I practice the language I want to pick up. Well my ears work the same way as my eyes do.

Just when I was at my wits’ ends last Friday, a mail came for me.

Finally, they’re accepting me. I will have a job.

Although not 100% my ideal job, but it is something I enjoy doing. I have a habit of picking out what children are weak at, like a pattern that they show to me in their work. I correct them by giving them a reminder. A reminder that they should never fail to remember. It has worked so far with the children I’ve worked with in my current part-time stint. But I’m limited to only how much I can provide to them, as the centre’s motto is to be independant learners. But in this new opening, I can tell them everything that I want to tell. I only hope that they will accept me the same way I accept them.

I am afraid of the resistance, but which job doesn’t have it? Now, everything’s pretty much in tranquil. I hope it will stay that way or having some spurts of joyful surprise every now and then.

I may still not fathom why my path is that hard but I hope that it won’t get any harder than it already did. I just want to try taking the face-value  of things right now. Too much indepth thinking really does tire me out. Especially the insomnia that comes along with it.

To positivity and cheery lives ahead.

Love,
Me

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def_n: M-level

January 5, 2008

I’d thought I’d missed out typing one day late after the last one. Guess I lost track of time. I’d thought 2 days had just passed.

Last night, it was decided that we’d meet out since J is leaving for his exchange for 6 months to Pennsylvania, US. So we did.

I haven’t seen them since September 07 and yet the only familiarity I’d had was with M, as usual. Also perhaps maybe little chats here and there with My & bf, Pl and Wt. Other than that, most of the time I was just staring into space or listening in to what the others were conversing about.

Feels so strange that I’m seen to be the quietest amongst them, when before we all got together, I was the source. If I hadn’t suggested to M (then a game friend) to bring his friends along to that orientation that we had, none of these would even happen as they did. None of us would have met and grow to whom we are today.

Funny thing is, regardless of how long we don’t see each other, M still feels the same to me. Everyone else, well, depends on what I can think of to speak to them about. R seemed aloof as usual. Not sure why. It’s like the aloofness I’d seen when we all first met. I don’t know why he still has that brought along with him.

Maybe this is what I’d refer to as:

“People are brought together for a reason. They will then separate when the reason is no longer there.”

“Meeting many people, not everyone stays as friends. Some end up as mere acquaintances. Others will be friends for a period. Soon that period will end as well. Even best friends may no longer see each other when the time arrives for it.”

We meet for a reason and when time comes for us to depart, we can’t sit and dwell. Everyone has to move on. Life moves on. You can always think back about it. Reminisce the good times. Recall the bad. Still, not all relationships can stay the way they were. Not all. There are exceptions, especially for people who don’t find reason to be friends or to be together. These people are those that when they meet, they just click all over again. It doesn’t take time for them to think up a topic to chat or discuss about. They just start. Talk. Tease. Play. Joke. Argue.

If you ever come across the above kind of person, it doesn’t matter even if you lose contact by not meeting up. If future has it that you’ll meet again, you’ll meet again and times will be like past times.

And so yesterday was like those times as usual. None of them are close to me. Even M, is the above person I’d just described. The kind that just sinks in to me when we meet, we don’t even need to think of a topic to talk about.

 ~+~+~

So, that was it and yesterday went past.

Then there are times when I’d think about the people around me. Whether I do have a reason for being with them or wanting to be with them. But there’s none that I can think of. It’s like I just want to be around them. I just want to be with them. It’s both a want and a need. What justifies the need, I can’t find words to describe.

There are people that I’ve lost touch with. People whom were those I was always around with. Then again, not all of them I’m at the M-level. (Hmm, new definition: M-level of friendship / familiarity!) Probably because I’m not so much of a conversation-starter. That’s why I’d think of it this way. If a conversation could kick off between I and one other without much thought, I’d define it as the above.

For past friends, I can’t say much. Probably because in the past I was a pretty noisy thing. I’d crack up something strange or amusing I knew and told those around me to start a conversation. But soon enough, that kind of died down. 

Now if I do ever mentioned something, no one really listens. Either they’re too busy or they were too caught up in their thought. There are those who did listened but their faces did not tell it. Sometimes I brush the ignorance off. Sometimes I get very annoyed. Sometimes I get pissed. But who ever cares?

~+~+~

Last night, he shared with me the goals that he had in mind for his work. These were actually asked for by his boss. I really appreciate it that he shared them with me. Other than the little grammatical errors here and there, I can feel his sincerity in the written piece. I just hope that when he really does succeed, he does not forget whom has been with him, supporting him, suffering with him and helping him along the way. Hopefully his pride and ego stays clear even after he succeeds. Well, just because oftentimes it happens otherwise to many other people I know and have heard of.

If only he’d share more about himself.

Oftentimes when he’s not at work, not eating, not watching TV (intently & hates to be disturbed), not on the phone, not with his friend, not fishing, not sleeping, not … I hardly ever get to just talk to him. Sometimes when I just want to share something I saw on TV or the likes of it, he’d just turn for 5 seconds and that was it. I don’t always get his fullest attention like I’d like to.

Even when he has work to do, he’d just disappear and lock himself up in the other room to use the phone, without telling me what he was intending. I mean, lock the door? If he’d said so he needs to make calls, I wouldn’t even enter the room, would I?

There are times when he just has to go work everyday. I can’t really complain. I mean he’s doing this for his job. But, there are times when I just want to feel his presence. I don’t mind waiting till he had to leave the house, then I’d leave together to get my meal. Rather than going out to buy my meal and then returning home not seeing him already, because he’d left after me. I don’t know why he just won’t let me. He’d insist that I go find my food, instead of waiting for him. When I’d said I’d wait, since it was only about 15mins or so, he just rushed and said we could go. Rushed, meaning wrong wallet, no cards, no cash. And so it becomes my fault again for having him rush himself.

I’m like ??? Is it wrong to just want to wait for him to leave and then I can get my meal of the day? I’ve already waited the whole day since he left early this morning to go for a Cpy-organised cycling event. And when he reaches home, he barely says anything much.

Why isn’t there room to talk? Time to talk?

I’ve naught the slightest idea. Maybe I shouldn’t be around so often. Then I wouldn’t feel so ignored. I can be so bothersome. Aren’t I?

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hi!

June 26, 2007

Hello world once again!

M.I.A

Getting by each and every day has been quite a ride for these past few months. So many things that I want and hope for and yet they can’t be attained in a whim. All talk and no action. Oh and yes after these long few months, there are some things that I happen to have and shall continue to keep.

Whatever it is, I am now a graduate! Will officially be one on the 6th July, 8:00pm. Even the ceremony itself had me debating whether or not to attend. Even though I have so-called graduated, I find myself lost.

I was lost for the past month or so. Figuring my direction and whether or not I’m making the right choice for a first move. You know, it is kind of bothersome when you think back on experience. There were times when you really consider and think through in thorough about something and yet the result did not turn out as thorough-ly great. There were times when you make decisions in haste and just jump the wagon and still the result did not turn out as great. Then you wonder what was it that when wrong. Was it just you or your luck? Or was it all destined to be that way.

There was a time when the laptop was cluttered with my incessant collections of information, pictures, new gadgets and the like. I wanted to spring-clean the contents of the laptop. Then WHAM! the laptop went kapoot. The RAM became obsolete and I had to get it replaced. Thus, the laptop has an awfully new memory. Brainwashed literally. Spring-cleaning, eh?

There was a time when I’d thought that it didn’t matter what job I got, as long as they paid me and I am able to survive. Moreover, it didn’t help when the Mum insists that you get a job ASAP. So WHAM! I just went ahead with whoever answered my application first. In the end, the Dear wasn’t very happy with the contract that I signed and seriously advised me to just quit on the spot or try stalling for one. The Mum agreed with the Dear, interestingly. And so WHAM! I became unemployed once again. So much for trying to get a job…

That brings to the other point. I don’t know what kind of job to look out for. Weird, ain’t it? I mean, people have goals to work towards and ambitions and the like. And me? What I did aimed for before, are all out of reach. It’s either the relevant qualifications or the expectations of the employer. And so, even though I have many different interests to look out for, none can accept me. And so WHAM! I just applied for whatever that will accept me. And one of them got me. Now, it’s really a new beginning again.

Why is it that I always end up doing what I don’t really wish to? It’s either the obligations that are proposed or simply due to the wrong route that I’ve been taking all these years. They never were what I seriously wanted. They were just new things that I can learn and adapt to. It happens in that every phase of my life, where I have to change environments. Surprisingly, I learn to survive in that every phase, no matter how pathetic I was through it all.

Interests. Interests. They’ve all gone into cobwebs. I never get to seriously pursue them as work. I wonder when will it be the day that I am able to. I want to do what I like and get paid for it!

Oh, and the special person that I met a few months back. It’s almost three months now. I never really was expecting anything. Even with all the faults and the misunderstandings and the troubles and the little time we have together and the differences, it was another WHAM! that I just agreed to.

The Dear, I love you regardless of whatever you were made of and whomever you were. I’m real glad to have met you and will continue to even if you’re a f _ _ _ – machine.

First correct entry for the mystery word above will win a prize!

Haha! To happy days ahead all!

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sapphire

March 6, 2007

Birthstone: Sapphire

September — Symbolic of wisdom and purity, the sapphire was believed by the ancients to ward off envy, protect against poisons and act as a litmus test of fidelity (if the stone darkened, it gave evidence of adultery).

see: Birthstone Shop

I found a nice piece from the March selections, but it was a mixture of Aquamarine and Sapphire. Was intrigued by the definitions of the birthstones, though.

Have always liked sapphire simply because it’s blue ^^v Then I came to realise that it’s my birthstone too.

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presence; security

March 6, 2007

There are only two types of people.
Those who are “there” and those whom “never were”.
– me

Those who are never here or there.
– mf

I am of the 3rd type.
Who is “there” and suddenly “never were”.
And if you don’t get good results, it’ll be “never were”.
– k

Don’t you wonder? When you’re at your weakest, who’re actually there for you. When you’re at your strongest, who never got to witness it. Your silence, does it mean anything to a certain someone. Your anguish. Your fears. You feeling lost. Who actually cares to ask?

In the midst of a conversation, regardless of medium, will you leave it hanging? With the person on the other side waiting for your reply.

How much do you understand of one another, to be able to feel okay, even if there’s no regular communication?

What does it take for you to trust someone to be as honest as you?

Are there even honest people out there?

Will you ever feel at ease, knowing that not everyone is telling the naked truth? Everyone has a little something to hide. Everyone has a little something that they’d wish to keep to just themselves, no one else.

Will there ever be a time where everyone could be truely happy? Regardless of what happened, they’ll brush it off like dust and move on.

Who can tell?

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significance

February 28, 2007

Not that there’s nothing significant to note down about. In fact, there are just way too many significant moments to remember. Apparently, I kind of forgot that I have this space to maintain. Not an obligation to maintain, though.

The significance of things. Regardless of whether it was your eyebrow that raised, your shaky smile, your polished nails, your injured foot, your rare grin, your voice, your eyes or even what you wear, I’ll notice it.

May be insignificant to you. Yet, it makes a whole lot of sense to me. It tells me more about you. It helps me recognise you even when my eyesight ain’t 20/20. It lets me remember you. It gives meaning to whom, you would call me.

Little things like these, intrigues me. Especially, if you’re the quiet ones. A subtle change in your behaviour, increases my knowledge of you. A subtle action taken, even. Even a little thing like a pat on the head, a look at you (without saying anything), a nudge, etc. The more eye contact we have, the more comfortable I feel.

I mean, wouldn’t it be weird if you talked to someone, with more than half the time, not looking at the someone in the eye? I’ll feel out of place. Well, that excludes shy meetings.

That aside, words are significant to me too. Don’t use words that you don’t mean, with me. Don’t make promises, if you can’t keep them. Don’t claim that you understand me, when you clearly don’t. Oh, if it’s a joke, I’ll know it. Of course, it depends on who it is we’re talking about.

For the people who’ve paid notice, selfless concern, thank you. Thanks for the encouragement. K, thank you for being there. Even if it was just a coincidence that you were brought into the argument, you actually solved it. Thanks for understanding. It meant more to me than you would have thought. Thanks for the times that you asked after me. I really appreciate it ^^ M, thanks for being there to cheer me up. Really, thank you for pushing me on ^^ G, thanks for Monday. Honestly, I thought you weren’t going home and with your foot and all. I was already ready to take a cab, though it would have costed me a lot. Thank you, really, it meant a lot to me. J, thanks for giving me lab answers! Piglet, thanks for putting up with me, hah! I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad thing. But, thanks altogether.

Significance, nothing is ever too small to be significant. Not in my world.

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Two

January 21, 2007

While trying to grasp
What I couldn’t see
As the time lapsed
Along came insecurity

Awake I lay
I’ll punch the keys
First thing of the day
Greetings nitty-gritty

Little words said
Wrinkles to the eyes
Lying in wait
Fretting the goodbyes

There were times
I felt the same
Nostalgic rhymes
Of the old game

Yet the feeling differs
The ache unbearable
When thoughts confer
You become unforgettable

Peculiar how
I can see in dreams
You making a bow
Us in another realm 

Hardly believable
Seems like insanity
Butterflies, bubbles
Pride, a vanity

Differences may be
Without them
No one can be
Whom they claim

It takes two to tango
Dance to the lingo
Synchronised we go
Countering all woe
Should one hang low
Two balances the bow
Strengthens the dough
Of our little song, “oh”

No one’s perfect
Neither am I
Combining the intellect
We can surely fly

I don’t wanna try
Not calling it an attempt
I don’t wanna say goodbye
Not leaving in contempt

Let’s walk the trail
To the clouds
In that monorail
Screaming joys aloud