Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category



January 4, 2008

Hello to the new year!

Betcha those who’ve been reading had thought me dead or something along that line or perhaps gone from the writing/typing world.

Well sorta just because I haven’t really found the time to indulge in my own thoughts.

Lots have happened in the past 6 months or should I say in the year that has just passed us. Sometimes when I stop to reminisce, it’s like I can still think back to the times I was still in the Uni. Time do pass us by fast.


After graduation, I didn’t really set down to think on what I really want to do. In fact, it was more like finding a job in haste. Just trying to get an average paying one while I really decide what to do in the meantime. In that 6 months I’ve spent; meeting new people in a wholly different environment, learning things out of my league, learning to cope, learning to deal with people from all walks of life, managing relationships with people, maintaining them; on an occupation totally unexpected of me but I learnt quite a hefty. In terms of facing my fears. In terms of facing unexpectedness. Every minute on the job could be anything from known to the unknown.

Many people would think that this job wouldn’t require much and perhaps just facing the drone of picking up the damn phone, but once you’re in it, you might beg to differ. Well, at least this is my opinion of it.

I learnt to digest new information and find ways to relate them to people, no matter how hard it was trying to put across to them. Mistakes do come. But they don’t go unlearnt. I learnt to get better but the remuneration did not come along with it. Nor did the promised incentives. They said we would get ’em. But from the moment I started till date, there are those still left uncredited to me as of yet. It makes you wonder where your hard earned incentives all went into. Praises only came in when you’ve put across your desire to leave. Otherwise, you’ll never really know. Furthermore, if we weren’t being converted or have the shift added incentives, we were no different from beginners. Six months have passed but there was no increase or change. What more, they mentioned that there will be a cut and it’ll be a big one. They just can’t say when will it happen or whether will it happen. Yet, they find more to just cope with the bridging to the other side. Well, they don’t have to pay them much over there, that’s one thing everyone can see.

I love my colleagues. I love those whom have taught me much and I really appreciate all their help. Almost all those whom I’ve ever spoken to, there’s at least one good point to tell about. I can’t bear to leave them, not after all those little funny moments we’ve shared. Those little lunches, parties, etc. I respect them.

But the process of it all inside was just too much to bear with. The works of the whole industry within, it was too disorganised. We are bearing too much with the shit. And since the incentives weren’t being credited, I don’t see a point staying. What more with the cut, there would be this uncertainty. Why be cut when you can leave and find a better one elsewhere?


Back to square 1. One reason I left was because I realised it was one thing I wouldn’t want to live doing. I had others that I really want to work with, but it’ll be hard to start from scratch all over again. Seriously, I really can’t find something that I really want.

1. Writing (an interest I’ve always had but I’ve no professional experience nor studies)
2. Designing (same as the above)
3. Programming (as per what I’ve studied in Uni but only passe)
4. Typing (all time favourite: as long as I have a job that I can type in)

Queer isn’t it. I also won’t mind if I had a job that had anything to do with Math, simply because I’m so missing Math. Or should I just teach Math?!

I miss the times when we did Software Engineering in Industrial basis, where we had this major project to have a software designed for used within the Hospital management. I missed those moments too just because I miss programming in those kinds of projects. But other than that particular module, I have no other programming modules that I’m proud of. How sad is that?

If I just settled for a typing/clerical/admin job, that would simply undermine my qualifications (if I even had any…) and the remuneration wouldn’t be that much either. Now that’s the dilemma.

If I were to teach Math in a class full of students, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle it. Then again, what job doesn’t have its challenges aight? And this will be a bonded one, so I can’t just leave either.

Dilemma. Should I just get a 9-5 job? Get a part-time job and take up a course of interest? Now what?


New years bring new dilemmas. Or should I say rekindling old dilemmas. Haha. I am just so funny sometimes. Sigh.

By the by, it has been 9 months plus already. I did learn how to be with someone w/o killing him. Well, I tend to worry too much or have too little trust in someone. Once bitten, twice shy. Who doesn’t? He’s still such a dear to me. If only we could make enough together. I really want us to.

That’s why I have to bloody decide in getting a job! I already nagged him and he found one. Now it’s my turn again.


Been sleeping alot lately, eversince my leave break. Have had funny dreams. Most were to the extent of looking for something while out shopping. I think I’m just deprived of it. Making most of what I can dream of but can’t buy. Haha. By the by, now I’m just getting too poor. It’s not in yet. Even when I left so early, they haven’t credited mine yet. The nerve! They’d better credit along with the incentives too. Don’t know what the M is for if we brought up the incentive uncredited problem and they can’t answer for it. I seriously wonder what’s their status there for. Sometimes I dream of doing funny things to him. I wake up feeling so amused most of the times.

Oh, Christmas has gone and past yeah. So is the New Year. It wasn’t one I enjoyed really, what with me being sick all that. Yet he still stayed to accompany me, when I was sulking on him being supposedly out for Cpy outings with me alone at home. Understand he doesn’t have much either, with his being uncredited as well. So… there we go always at home, TV, eat, games, tease, sleep.

Seems boring huh? Hoping it’ll get better. Trying to cope with the problems together.

That’s enough thought indulging for a night. This is what happens when the indulging comes. Oh shucks. Good night!


the nightmare

January 23, 2007

I woke up a few times. Mainly due to sudden noise or the mobile giving radial signals to the black box and such. There was one time, I woke up abruptly and on conscious signal.

I was with a few small kids, or so I recall. The feeling reminds me of the times I spent at work, pinching kids’ cheeks, praising or nudging them when the need strikes. Yet, at one point in time, I was there trying to just touch this girl’s face and somewhere along that line, the girl shrieked out in fear. Fearing that I’ll hurt her, kill her. I felt so misunderstood. I felt fear. I felt as if I wasn’t wanted the way I intended. I meant entirely no harm, and there I was being accused of it. I wanted it to all go away. I know it couldn’t be real…

I woke up.

The house was large. There were several rooms. There was this heavy aura in the air, as if something really eery had already happened and it wasn’t the last. I was with family and relatives. Somehow, there was this 3 cousins of mine. Their mum is already known to have passed on. There came this sudden commotion about me having done something to have made it worse. I counted. There were only 2 cousins with us. The other was missing. I never saw her, the youngest. It’s as if she was left out in the heaty weather while there was a parade of some sort. I don’t recall. But she wasn’t with us anymore… I didn’t feel right. I don’t know what happened. Then I was in my room, at least it seems to be the room I run back to. My mum was there. Only me and her. Then there came this receipt. I had a standing amount totalling to $2,300 from making calls to various different numbers via my mobile. I keep trying to recall, who was it that used my mobile phone. Tried recalling, but I knew that my mobile is always with someone I trust. I didn’t want to pay that amount… Then I tried searching all possible ways of how someone could come up with such a receipt. There was a point in time, where I realised I might have been stalked as my personal information were in a certain piece of paper, wrapped neatly by plastic wrapper. I don’t know what’s happening. Everything seems to be wrong. I called up Gg. He sounded drunk. I don’t know why either. I never remembered him to drink…

I woke up.



December 7, 2006

I want to type plenty of thoughts.

But I end up bothered by some other minute disturbing ones.


Take this: How would you define this feeling?
You know someone. You do like being with someone. You like having all of someone’s attention whenever possible. You like talking to someone. You like someone talking to you. However, when someone starts the same kind of conversation with someone_else, you don’t feel the least good about it. In fact, there’s a feeling called hatred growing. You don’t know to whom that feeling is intended. You keep debating with yourself over it. You feel as if someone is being taken away from you, bit by bit. The only worry you have, is when someone is gone from you, again. Regret seems so very likely to occur. You don’t want it to happen. You start hating yourself because you don’t know whether you should have done something you haven’t.


I hate myself.

There are times when I wish I was stupider. Maybe people will like me better that way. Maybe I will get most of the attention that way. Maybe that’s the kind of person, people like to talk to. I don’t know.

Though, I’ve told myself not to worry about what others thought of me. In the end, it still bothers me. It hasn’t bothered me for a long time. To think, it’s starting again.

The negative thoughts.

I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I want to show I care. I want you to know that I care. But, I never want to trouble you. Even if it seems unnecessary or bothersome, it’s just because I care.

Then again, I’m just another friend of yours. Nothing special about it, huh? All the initial talk about “you’re a special friend” never seem to be justified. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too ignorant. Maybe I just can’t see it.

I’d do anything to be special to someone.

Not everyone thinks the same way.

What am I to you?


I had a horrid dream. Mama, Sis and I were at some place where there were those unwanted tools, metal scraps, rather near to a 7-eleven (surprisingly). There were men after us. Somehow I convinced them to leave us alone for quite some time. While I got them distracted, I gave Mama and Sis a piece of metal (weapon?) and to run away to a safer place. Then a second later, I was at this ballroom scene. I’m the organiser of some sort of formal party. There were plenty of people but the party hasn’t started. I was running around doing errands before it starts. A second later, I was lying beside Sis and Mama was on the other side of Sis. Sis was lying still and her eyes closed, with both of us look at her. I just got up and got ready to leave home (for school?). A second later, I see the party started. A second later, I was in some beach area, brushing away sand to collect sea shells. Then someone said to me “where’s the turtle?” I reminisced and thought of Sis. She was no longer with us. Tears choked up. I woke up and cried. I couldn’t fathom the dream. I woke up to see if Sis was still around.

The shocking part was, the sleeping arrangement is the same in reality. Can you imagine how shocked I was? I cried abit ’till I was able to sleep again.

Then I was with a few people in the room. Relaxing, as if in a hotel room. I don’t know where exactly. I thought I saw Pw. I was preoccupied with something… I can’t recall what. I can visualise the white surroundings but I can’t recall what I was doing then.


I don’t know what exactly is bothering me. I’m supposed to feel carefree, what with the exams already over and the holidays are here to succumb to.

Don’t know if this holiday is what I’ve been looking forward to after all these months. I wish I could have some pretty surprises.

I only wish for one.


There were those times when I thought so simply of life. There were those times when I trusted people so fairly easily. But, I thought otherwise after how I got taken advantage of. After how my ignorance seem to be easy target to their cruel jokes. After how I always got bullied.

I thought differently after that. I began thinking that there’s always plenty of different reasons for a certain action taken or a word said. There’s always different ways of interpreting something. The only problem is that I can never be sure which is the right reason. I won’t know for sure unless I’m the person who did it.

And so, I can never figure out people. And so, I will never figure out what is it about me that puts them off nor will I ever know what is it about me that no one seems to like. What is it that causes them to stand back and not approach?


Will I ever get my answer?

Guess I will never be a simple person, no matter how I hope so much to be. The feelings I have for the people around me are too complicated. Even I don’t comprehend.

Will it help if I was stupid-er? Or dense-r in the grey matter?

Should I just overlook whatever that comes by way…


nearing another end~

November 27, 2006

This shall be a general post!

It has been long since I last entered something in here =/ In fact, I didn’t even think of updating. Some resolution it was of keeping regular entries =_=



Okay, only that is over. All those endless days of java popping into dreams and guilt of not having completed all that I was supposed to and the cramps from typing too much and that loss of sleep over trying to accomplish whatever possible before the deadline and trying to cover up mistakes and trying not to be questioned too much and trying to show that we did put in plenty of effort…

Though we didn’t manage to integrate everything together but I was thankful that we did have something. One thing for sure, I do feel bad for not being able to help Kh much. The fact that he had to do all the integrating and all the access rights and etc. The fact that most of what he did was supposed to be shared work. The fact that it’s a 6-people project but IMHO it seemed as if he did at least half of it if not more. — That makes one person for me to remember.

Friends that I’ve made. Enemies? — Perhaps.

Tolerance of those that seemed to be giving Kh more work to be done. — Well, can’t say that I wasn’t one of them.

I appreciate knowing J too. — One person I’ll remember cos’ she’s just the way she is. Lol, I don’t know how to describe it.

I appreciate knowing Jm. — As a friend.

Unfathomable things happened. Still, I’m glad it’s over. I just hope it wasn’t all for naught.

That was all over after the 20 November 2006 in the late evening, around 9.00pm. When everyone left to their separate ways, it felt awkward. — For me it did. Though it’s sort of over, the thought that we won’t be seeing one another anymore dawned on me. Although I don’t fancy all of them, it feels incomplete if we’re not together as a group . Ironic, eh?

I’ll just keep the good memories.

Have learnt plenty of things in this just one semester. Haven’t had that feeling since never. I’m surprised at myself for being able to complete most of what I had to, although not on par. Still, if it was me in some other group, I think I wouldn’t have learnt this much. Honestly, I’m a programming idiot. At least that’s what I thought myself to be. But I just wanted to be the best I am.

Have tried coping with the other modules too. Okay, remember that midterm I had? Well, I failed it =_= Not surprised, though.

Bad news again is that I didn’t do the last Lab Assignment cos’ I had to complete the project. It was either me or the group. I chose the group. Sigh. Hope all ends well, though the likes of it seems bleak!


Been in some sort of study group with Gg, M and a few girls as they deem themselves available to be there. Didn’t really get much out of it simply cos’ I never really get the answers that I was looking for. There are those that Gg is just as lost as I am >_< And the one who gets the most out of it is probably yeah.

There are things that I can’t fathom during those sessions. Tried to brush them off, telling myself I’m just distracted over nothing. Maybe I’m just too complicated a person o_O

Don’t think I’ll return for more study groups until perhaps the last paper?

Oh, but there were moments that I really enjoyed. Shall just keep them in mind.


Not quite in the mood to study!

Feeling empty and deprived… I just miss those times where I meet people. Man, it’s depressing. 3 papers and it’s another year to worry about. I better do well.



I miss talking to poopoo. I miss going to lectures with Gg. I miss having those meetings where I have J calling me hammie and those times where I really look so blur they actually get a laugh out of it. I miss having those meetings where I argue with Kh. I miss sleeping during lectures. I miss listening to the SSB lecturer and watching videos during Comp Graphics lectures. I miss complaining about the things that I have to do. I miss getting stressed.

Okay, I’m WEIRD. — Lol.

Alright, I’ve played too much already this weekend. First paper’s on Tuesday. Better get cracking to reading and revising.


By the by, I’ve come to realise that impressionable dreams are best remembered if you’re not frightened to the awaken state. They are especially impressionable if you’re in that dreamy state where u suddenly realise you’re actually dreaming. Before you take control of continuing your dream, take that moment to remember what has happened thus far!

I’ve dreamt a hefty lot too. I just can’t recall all of them up to date.

For last night’s… I dreamt M had a blog! I was kinda surprised, he asked me to guess the address of the blog. All that was done via an MSN conversation. Then he actually told me the address, but it was kinda long. I don’t quite remember the address. If only I did… Then I was surfing and I saw his face in one video that was embedded into my friend’s blog entry. Somehow the video was embedded in youtube form and he was in it! I read the entry and it’s like he’s known throughout the campus as one of the known jokers. I thought I recognised his name written in Chinese. It was clearly him and his face in that video. I was about to tell him about it, as he was telling me his blog address…

I don’t know what came out of it, though. I think I was woken up or something. It was just really surprising to know that he keeps a blog. Anyway, M, if you’re reading this, I’m not kidding. Lol, I saw your face clearly in that video and the MSN conversation seemed so real.

Freak, think I got too used to looking at your MSN window!

Weird thing is, I don’t know why I dreamt of that o_O

Oh there was this other time, I dreamt that I was with a group of friends. I don’t really recognise any of them save for Fai from secondary school. It seemed as if we were a group of student organisers of some sort. Sometimes I see Fai, other times I’m with some other group, handling little kids (think I fancy kids too much). The organisers were clad in some red uniform, T-shirts? We were running around, I don’t know to where. But I was having fun. Then there was one time where I had to climb up something. It was super high! But I did it! And then there was another time where Fai asked me to run or I don’t remember how I started running. The thing is, I never fancied running, but when the suggestion was made, I just ran. Then we met another group of people. Some group of Mly people? I don’t quite remember them but we were watching something. I don’t recall the place, but there were plenty of people in it. Then we kinda made a mess of the eating place I think. I think we had a mini barbecue of some sort. So I went to clean the stuff. Or was I?

The memory of it is kinda vague now. I think I dreamt it like after I was done with coding and the last official day of school. That fine Thursday 16 November 2006 afternoon, I returned home and slept from 3.30pm ’till Friday 8.00am. It was a super long sleep after the puny 7 hours of sleep I managed to squeeze out from Monday to Wednesday.

I actually recalled the dream over and over and trying to make sense of it. Think it sums up what I managed to counter what I never thought I was capable of. I really felt that sense of accomplishment. Compared to the me, who never really tried suggestions, this time I did. I realised that there are people out there who are better than I am. I should take suggestions with an open mind.

Ah, the bliss of it. I really did learn a hefty.

‘Till the next time~

Didn’t turn out to be such a general post after all… Sheesh!


bugs; bad times; plea

October 7, 2006

Anyone know how to debug a flu-bug?

After that previous post, I think I went to sleep.

For the rest of that Wednesday, I didn’t even appeared online. Surprisingly. Well, I did manage to get quite the sleep and then proceeded to study for the 3241 midterm. Did feel kinda fulfilling that I finally managed to understand the concepts and the many ??? I’ve left behind for the tutorials to-date.


Well then, I did brushed off a sniff or two at night. Then Mama made me eat medicine for it. Didn’t really manage to catch a good sleep in lieu of Thursday. In the end, I think I only grasped barely 2 hours of sleep due to the circumstances and the situation that my brain was in.

Oh! Thursday arrived. It was pretty much hell. I got it all sorted out, but I couldn’t really prepare the questions for the SSB like the mate wanted. So, I felt pretty useless on that part cos’ I didn’t contribute much. Think I shall make it up by starting on the report framework or something.

Though, honestly, I have lots of things to really worry about.

Thursday’s a bad day to have the midterm.

  1. I’m usually late for that lesson, although I left earlier than usual. The bus driver was awfully dreadfully unexpectedly slow in driving.
  2. I’m never in the right state of mind.
  3. I’m sleepy or never thinking.

Added to that, the day starts at 9am. Ends at 4pm.

Somehow, I don’t know why it just bothers me that F takes things too easily. I just can’t get along with her concept of “It’s already prepared for us. It’s not luck…” Like how she just always lets things happen and never did really try. I mean, she does try, but she only tries perhaps once? She never really pushes it.

I can’t take that perception. It just irks me. Plus, if we always let things happen without even trying the very best, what are we here for in the first place?

Anyhow,  I don’t think the midterm is gonna turn out great. SIGH.

Added to that, FLU had to hit me. Thursday became really terrible. Slept in ’till the next morning. Lucky Friday’s a free day.

Seems like I’m doing nothing much, nothing productive. Fact is, I just really needed that time off. The thoughts of all those codes haunting me in my dreams was just too much. Way too much.

Ever had java codes and algorithms haunting you in dreamland? True, I’ve been worrying about the logic and what I’m supposed to finish coding. But it went to the extent of nightmares. I practically had them all jumbled up up there. SOBS.

Anyway, there’s one particular dream that struck me. I met K and J, the senior couple, in one of those instances in dreamland. We were somewhere around town. Weird enough, the location’s really familiar, as if it were Orch Rd or something the likes of it. I recall having mentioned RP. That I walked that far ’till I bumped into them. I forgot what we talked about. But it was pleasant, at least I think it was. K didn’t seem quite happy to meet me, though. I don’t know why. I do know, however, that I treat J like an elder brother in reality. I know I was dreaming, but it seemed so real. I was just happy to meet them, having not met them ever since they’ve graduated. Brings me back to the times when I first met them…

There was this other dream like a few weeks back or so, I shot someone dead. I was very depressed. Depressed and disappointed that I shot the man dead. I simply can’t remember who it was, though he seemed to be Him. I can’t be sure about it, though. I was afraid of being found out, yet ironically everyone saw me shot him. I just walked away. I wanted to get away from that place. I wanted to go somewhere, where I’d forget everything…

Haven’t had these impressionable dreams in a long time. At this stage, I really feel like giving up. Really. Yet, it’s like only the last lap.

It always happens, doesn’t it? I remember it happened back during the days when I was 16. I wanted to quit the CCA because no one in there seemed honest enough to trust anymore. Each to her own. They were the ones who’d probably instigated against me. Well, you can’t really help it when people hate your brains or your personality. I tried to un-nerdify myself but it didn’t work. People actually thought that I was trying to gain the limelight. In fact, I was just trying to gain sincere friends. Apparently, no one really understood my intent. It wasn’t a happy memory.

Well, what’s past is past. Just so happens that the memory of it actually came back to me when I was lying awake from my blocked nose. Just totally out of place. Don’t know why bad memories come back at bad times.

Now, I’m trying to run away from having to complete what I have to. The weighted feeling is just overwhelming. It’s adding to the choked feeling I already get from the flu.

Talk about bad times. Hazy days too.


Can you pretty please stop burning the trees and land? Pretty please be considerate and consider the health of not just those living there, but also of those living around you. Do you know, how many people fall sick? Do you know, how many organisms feel choked up? Do you know, how it doesn’t rain these days?

Can you pretty please stop the shootings?
Can you pretty please stop the fights?
The riots?
The murders?
Taking innocent lives?

Has anyone of you ever considered for others? This world is not yours, alone. It is ours. Why can’t we live in peace, together?


I wish it were all just a bad dream.

note-to-self: to write about self-quote on “anything, anyone, anywhere” as a preference.



August 17, 2006

Only one week of the new semester and I feel like…



  1. I can’t continue working while studying.
  2. I haven’t finished reading up what I’m supposed to.
  3. I haven’t gotten a clear space for myself.
  4. I haven’t really gotten my time sorted out properly.
  5. Books are so freaking expensive.
    – Beginning J2EE 1.4, from Novice to Professional by Apress publ.
    – Computer Graphics with OpenGL by Pearson publ.
  6. I can’t celebrate my birthday =/ as I’d thought I would.
  7. I wish I had more surprises, maybe at least one to start with…
  8. Morale’s low everytime I see the amount of things that I have to read up about.

I want more Monokuro Boo(s)! If only there’s a folder version of it…

I need more time.


If only good things keep dropping from the sky for me. And the bad things just get washed away into the abyss.

I think I need more mental and physical space. Sigh.

Getting broke after confirming the Scrapbooking Workshop I mentioned the other day. Of course, including the never forgettable expensive textbooks.

When will I ever have the time to read everything?


Monday, I didn’t have any lessons. So I was out to work as usual.

Tuesday, I had a 2-hour lecture. Realised that the lecturer’s really cool =) Then, I had to rush off to work because they were really short-handed. Had lunch with them afterall at Cine, before rushing off. Was starving and ended up eating more crabmeats and fried food instead of sushis. Oh, they actually didn’t send in 2 of my orders! =( Had to leave, and was short of cash. Thanks M.

Oh, so turns out G isn’t taking the module. So, I’ll just be leaving the books with him for the time being. Since, he lent me his for the SS. So yeah, maybe I’ll sell them only after the next semester.

Wednesday, I had another 2-hour lecture. Another funny lecturer. Man, this semester’s full of funny lecturers o_O Then, tried to find some books but couldn’t. Only found it today, in fact. Then left for home, before leaving again for the surprise birthday party for B =) It was helluva fun! Haha, there wasn’t much to be talked about, except of course to S and Y. The rest were the seniors and some new ones. B forgot my name! =( Photos turned out quite blur, sad. Well, lucky I caught a video of the critical moment! XD It was fun though I was already tired out from school and everything. Did enjoy myself. Thanks S =) Oh yeah, we got home by lorry, thanks to one of the new ones I met =D Surprisingly, B messaged everyone, including me as a show of thanks o_O I don’t remember giving him my number, nor do I remember having his. Oh well~

1 word: fun

Thursday, thankfully I only have 2 lectures today; 5 hours straight. Next week, it’ll be 7 hours straight. Help me survive! The trip to and fro Biz is just so horribly crowded and long and… I got so sleepy just after the first 3 hours T_T Then G and I went to get the books after the CG lecture. The lecturer was interesting but just a wee bit too monotonously soft. I nearly dozed off and knocked the caucasian seated to the right of me. Later tried helping G to do the sums he mentioned, but alas to no avail. Dragged my feet then all the way to Och Emld to pay for the workshop. Really looking forward to it!

One complaint I have. The Sci CO-OP is just too much by removing all the computing stocks and placing them in lesser shelves. Like wth? I mean, it’s like making us seem significant or something. The replaced the shelves with A WHOLE BUNCH of sci books. Like hey, couldn’t you just give us some decent shelves or something? Their arrangements are all so crappy! Disorganised.

I’m so glad I’ve no lessons tomorrow. I still have a project meeting to attend to though. Which means…

Finish reading up the Proj Spec.
Ballot for tutorial slots.
4pm at the Student Lounge.

Bring myself and my brains along.

Read up on J2EE, OpenGL, SS Readings.
Start SS Tutorial.


Oh, I forgot to mention. I don’t remember which night was it, but the yearning was so great I actually dreamt about it. I was so eager to make earrings, after seeing some cool ones on the net, just about last weekend. Then when I just pushed it to the back of my mind, the dream appeared. I actually dreamt that I was out shopping with Mama and Sis at this particular craft shop. It so happens I was browsing around and I came across the shelf that had the hooks, chains, studs and loops all hanging on the shelf, with the navy blue tags that screamed “Earrings” on the packets. It was so surreal, I really thought I wasn’t dreaming about it. Not until when, I excitedly screamed to ask Mama and Sis to have a look and the scene somehow changed. I was there looking at shoes, instead. Then somehow or rather, there were bags too, still in a shop-kinda-scenario. Then we were out of it somehow and then there was this guy there. I think Mama actually had a chat with him or something and gave him money? I don’t quite recall it. I only remember her reaction after that: “He told me he’s gay.” I was like “WHAT?!?

I don’t know what was that about, as in the later part of it =_= I do hope that the shop where I found all the materials I wanted, does really exist! OoOoOo~



June 30, 2006

Simply because nothing comes to mind that fits to title this entry.

People say “You can’t lose what you never had.” No matter how I keep rewinding that sentence through my mind, I still feel as if I’ve lost something. I don’t know.

I didn’t lose my bearings before it. In fact, I just lost my patience because I felt as though I was driven to the wall of desperation. Not desperate to get it, but more like desperate to get the point across. So much was talked about and seemingly linked to what I’m trying to hint and yet it didn’t seem to get across. I just realised that there’s no difference to whether I did it personally or via other communicative media. The person was the same altogether and so was the person’s reactions.

I don’t know how to describe my own feelings after that. I didn’t lay out any expectations. To me, it didn’t really matter whether the reply was a neg or pos. Maybe I was just misled the whole time, when I was expecting a reply. It kept me hoping to a point where it didn’t matter what the actual reply turned out to be.

I know it’s peculiar. I didn’t really feel sad. I didn’t really feel heartbrokened. In fact, the initial feelings didn’t change, the feelings that started everything. Maybe I was a tad disappointed. But, the best part to it is that I wasn’t disappointed with myself or much that of the person. I was disappointed with how the situation turned out. I don’t know.

It was impromptu. It was in the heat of boiling desperation to be heard. I didn’t lose anything even when I received that sort of reply. I just stopped thinking. The thoughts stopped. It’s like the eraser just worked its magic without me thinking about it. The thoughts, though rewinding again and again, didn’t hurt me or anything. They just faded into oblivion until I fell asleep.

I might be in denial about myself but I can’t really tell. Usually only my dreams will tell the truth. Sadly, I can’t recall what was dreamt about last night. I only know that I find it strange that I’m not even intending to ignore the person. Everything just seems normal to me. Maybe it’s the way the person replied. It seemed so non-chalant. I’ve never come across such non-chalance before. It’s attracting me instead of repelling.

It’s weird but I just feel as if the person’s keeping something from me. It’s just an intuition but I usually trust my intuition. The thing is, how do you explain to someone that he/she is the one that you seek?

Especially when you can sense where the person is, just by walking towards the person without looking. When you dream so often about the person though you never keep in contact as much. When everything seems so normal when you’re together? How can you explain such things?

They can only be felt and experienced. If only that person could understand this bit. I think that person’s perspective is too practical. You can’t think so much about this subject. You have to feel it to believe it. Or maybe I’m contradicting myself… I don’t know.

I might be in denial about why I can be so neutral afterwards. The fact is, I actually came up with another piano composition, though short one. I usually do that only when I’m really emotionally affected.

But who knows? No one. Not even the person.