Archive for February, 2006

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pregnant; chase; contact lenses

February 27, 2006

Backposted: 05 Mar ’06 16:57hrs

I had a series of weird dreams, starting from last Friday. When I say weird, I really mean weird…

Something wasn’t on time of late and it was just plain weird, thinking that it should probably be regular already. But, even Mama got kinda worried cos’ maybe there’s something wrong with my diet or something or I’m not as healthy as I seem.

Then it came about where last Friday night I dreamt that I was heavily pregnant. Hilariously, the pregnancy wasn’t anything painful and my paunch turned out to be of a very odd shape. Rectangular. I was half-laughing in my dream, or so I recalled. The rectangular tummy came about when I felt the water bag burst and the legs of the so-called baby could actually be visualised pointing up towards my face. It was as if the baby’s body could be visualised by the naked eye of an onlooker. All the people around me had to do was to push the baby’s legs and the baby was on it’s way out of me o_O Then it was out. All I could remember after that was that perhaps my Mama or some lady took the baby. When I got it back nice and warm cuddled beside me, the baby was somehow dressed to look like a panda. Not so much of dressed, but looking like a panda except for it’s human face. Yet, I was still cuddling it, feeling it’s warmth beside me.

When I woke up and recalled all that. I was just in awe and amazement. What kind of dream was that?

Saturday night, had me chasing for something, again. This time I had a companion in hand, who somehow reminded me of Jl. Then again, the Jl in my dream was a tad too skinny than the one I know. It’s just the feeling that I know her to be her. I was running around all over this shopping mall of sorts with her, trying to find a way to the catch the subway. Somewhere in the middle of the chase, I thought I saw Frn. I just felt his presence in there. It was just a glimpse and then I was chasing again. Running all over the place, till I think we crossed the entrance platform of the station. I don’t know if we actually got into the train or not. Somewhere in the adventure, I’d thought I was at the staircase, the kind where you’d usually find in those cemented carparks. Can’t recall what happened there, I just know it wasn’t anything positive. There was this scary feeling…

Last night, had me dreaming that my contact lenses had problems. Problems, where in the lenses could disintegrate into pieces of a circular puzzle; broken into the respective circumferences of the lense, followed by it’s colour; since I wore coloured contact lenses. It seemed all too real, especially when my lenses were green in the dream. I was there, facing the mirror and taking out the lense. Starting with the most problematic eye of mine, left. Taking the lense out, piece by piece, ala circumference by circumference. It was all too freaky…

Talk about strange.

Am I weird or are my dreams weird?

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journal archives

February 26, 2006

Since the loss of my previous journal, it has been kinda hard for me to not try and think about what I’ve written. Cos’ I know it will not be the same. Writing, thus journalling, has always been kind of impromptuous for me. It’s at the moment, almost instantaneous kind of writing, where my train of thought at that particular point in time would be so clear and well directed.

So I didn’t want to try recollecting, unless I can obtain the actual form. As the thoughts would be different.

So, there were useful tips from other diarists that our lost entries could be salvaged from the cache in the various search engines, provided the entries had been searched for, before. I’m lucky to say that some of my most recent entries were around. There were some that weren’t cached, probably because they’re not old enough for it yet. To my disappointment, those few entries were those that really had my poems. The ones I was thinking of archiving into another of my personal poetry collection. Sigh.

Well, at least I still have most of what’s now gone. Think I might just store them up here one by one, as and when I’m free. For the now, I’m just glad that not all of it was lost.

There had been a reason to title my posts as Post XX: … figuring I could classify them into entries of the year 2006, where Posts stood for my journal entries and Takes stood for the poems I wrote. I wanted to keep a count too. Eversince I lost count from the journal loss, I left Post XX without a number for the XX, hoping all could be recovered and I wouldn’t have to move elsewhere. Sigh.

I don’t know if I should continue classifying them like that, or just go back to normal journalling.

Infuriating. To think I had it all worked out already.

Why do plans have to keep getting shortchanged? Now plans have to be remade.

I’m so not looking forward to lessons anymore. The zest is just lost. There’s no meaning to it all.

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happy birthday Mama :)

February 25, 2006

Save the best for last! I said it only at the last minute before the day ended. Didn’t have anything special for her. I’m broke as it is. My life’s a mess as it is. We’ll see when it hopefully gets better.

Hope you’ll grow old happy Mama! 🙂 Love you lots, just that I never really said it.

 

Happy Birthday Mama 

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bye D-X; bad

February 25, 2006

As much as I’m crestfallen that it’s gone
As much as I’m upset
As much as I know I can’t do anything but moan
As much as I know everything seems dead

I have to move on.

It’s so ironic. I had hoped to keep them all up online for fear of losing them in their actual hardcopies, the ones in my laptop. I had hoped they would stay there safe for me to look back into. I had hoped.

Reality has it that even machines have lifespans of their own. Even machines die. So, what more can I expect?

Should have just kept them all recorded in .txt form, regardless of being online or not.

Sigh.

Guess I’ll put up in here anyway. This time I’d better keep a local record too. None can predict the future.

Speaking of predictions, I had a bad premonition regarding what my yesterday was going to be like. There was just this foreboding that yesterday wasn’t going to go smooth. Why?

  • I didn’t have this feeling that I’ll see my writing tutor 
  • I didn’t have the exact excitement expected for the workshop
  • I didn’t have the exact happiness expected for shopping
  • I didn’t have the exact enthusiasm expected for the meeting

It was all so surreal. Everything came crashing on me. They were all indirect intuitions but they really hurt me big time. Friday really had me down the gallows big time. And it wasn’t even Friday the 13th.

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WORST day; just because you’re old doesn’t mean you’re God

February 24, 2006

Today has been utterly the worst day of my life. Friday. And it’s not even Friday the 13th. I utterly detest today. I detest myself, too, for not following my instincts, even though they weren’t all that clear.

I had this thought that that other group member of ours won’t be coming for our early morning meeting. I wasn’t wrong.

I had this weird feeling that I wouldn’t be able to see my Thai tutor today, and I was right. Instead another tutor took over. The actual one’s probably still on holiday or something of the sort. I wasn’t all that surprised as I should have been. It felt comforting, on the contrary. I felt so much more comfortable with this other tutor.

I signed up for this free workshop by Macromedia on Flash Animation. Being interested on the subject, I was actually looking very much forward to it today. After countless deliberation on whether to skip my one hour lecture to attend this two hour workshop, I finally gave in to my interest.

Apparently, even after 45 minutes of waiting, the projector screen was blank. People, who filled the lecture theatre, kept leaving. The number of heads I see, kept decreasing. Still, there was no explanation of whatsoever as to why we haven’t gotten what we’ve been promised. Until almost an hour since the supposed starting time of the workshop, finally someone from the Administration, walks in and announces that Macromedia has cancelled the workshop very much earlier but did not inform the NUS students. Is this what you get from a corporation or event administrator? How can you cancel an event and not even have the slightest decency and politeness to not tell the promised audience? Furthermore, their workshop has to be registered for, before attending, to ensure you will not miss out on the workshop. But No. No emails. No announcements. The website didn’t even state any of the sort. No professionalism. I was and still am utterly disappointed.

Instead of having this enthusiasm to meet long-time-no-see friends, I didn’t have any of that. I attributed it to lethargy or even the annoyance I got from not having received replies from the friend who’d invited me along. I had a feeling she could be busy or something. Well, that was of course from common sense...

So, I went to meet my Mama and Sis at Citylink. Somehow or rather, I really didn’t feel like it. Didn’t feel like shopping. I just didn’t fathom why. I attributed it to lethargy, yet again.

Then the most unreasonable and stupidest things of all living Earth called us Shit, when my Mama just casually sat down to rest for a while at this really long, huge and empty bench at the mall. Instead of being normal living things and just sharing the the long, huge and empty bench by sitting at the other 5/6 portion of the bench as he was rushing to it like the usual kiasu old people, he called us Shit, left in a disarrayed manner, shouting nonsensical things along the way about how we snatched the bench from him, all the way to the other end where there was another long, huge but had two motorbike helmets sitting on one half of the bench. As I’d expected, he actually grabbed hold of the two helmets and told the owners to sit somewhere else. Thankfully, the owners were just on their way to leave. Therefore, he did not call them names. Yet, he did so to those who sat down on merely 1/6 of the bench.

What in the Motherly Earth, have old people like him, working in their brains?

My mother, being really insulted by what he just did, walked up to him to talk reason to him. Though, I felt that we shouldn’t create a commotion of whatever lest people who were nearby his bench would think we started it, because they have not plainly seen everything.

I was really gravely disappointed with the fact that this very old man insisted that my Mama snatched the seat from him like a hooligan, when he was in fact the hooligan. He even accused us of bullying an old man who had problems breathing and needed a place to sit. What kind of weak old men with breathing problems, call people names?

And would an old man with difficulties breathing, be hurriedly snatching a bench all to himself just to eat a packet of food? If he really had problems breathing, would he even bother about food? Shouldn’t such a man be instead worrying about his medicine, or even a fan to fan himself, or medicated oil to clear his breathing?

I’ve had breathing problems myself. I know what it’s like.

But I know never to accuse unnecessarily, especially to the public citizens who have done nothing wrong.

Why do I even bother standing in every form of public transport, instead of taking a seat whenever I saw an available one? I had in mind to give way to the hordes of old people taking the same transport. It’s a matter of showing consideration for the elderly. I give way to them, especially to those who really need help. Not to unreasonable people like that Shit-calling man!

I am utterly disgusted that we had to cross paths with a thing like him. Even if you’re old, it doesn’t mean you own the whole world. Look, the world owes you nothing. So why in the world you treat people as if we owe you something?

This is one old man, I hope has real breathing problems, so that he’d think twice before making up stories and accusing people, especially my Mama. To think my Mama has helped so many others before and here she is trying to get a rest herself on just 1/6 of a bench and a greedy selfish man like him had to spoil her day. I hope he lives alone. Then, no one will get hurt by his foul mouth.

Seriously, I felt like giving him a tight slap to make him realise how foul his mouth is. I don’t care how old you are. Once you insult people, I can never respect you as a living thing. Your being old doesn’t mean you’re God — where you are to be treated like the One. Sorry old man, go to another planet please.

Thinking that the planned meeting was a synchronised one and that my friend couldn’t reply to my calls, I asked another, who was going to be there too. Apparently the reply I got back wasn’t very convincing: You also going, huh?

Yeah, I’d thought I wouldn’t be free that’s why I couldn’t promise my other friend. So, I’d thought she’d knew since we’re all friends and meeting out together. Apparently I was wrong. That wrong feeling came to light. I wasn’t invited by the other three. Then it really came crashing down on me. I’d thought we’re friends. It’s true that I don’t get to see them all a lot and don’t really keep in touch cos’ I know some of them do school together. So thinking they’ll still have someone to be with, was consoling in itself since I didn’t. I had to make a bunch of new friends when we all went separate ways after the O’s. I believe the rest did too, though they still had the old ones closer to them. Thinking we were still together, maybe I was wrong after all.

You don’t have to tell me I thought you were busy mah, so I didn’t ask you lor. But you asked the rest. It’s plain insincerity. It’s clearly irony. Real friends don’t do this. To think I respected the very person who said that. I know we’re not as close as I’d hoped. Perhaps it’s due to the adolescence mode of thinking back then. Perhaps it’s cos’ you had closer friends back then. But why this?

It breaks me to know that the only other one I really trust amongst all of them, is now not the one anymore.

I really appreciate the friend who asked me along. I know you mean well and everything, thinking they really want to keep in touch and the sort. But it’s just that clear. If they’d intended for it, they’d have asked me along. Apparently they didn’t. Thanks though, it made me see things clearly.

I don’t really remember how we all started out, perhaps it’s cos’ I got close to the trumpeteer. But somehow along the way, I didn’t like the way she has fun. I really didn’t like the way she thinks it’s funny at the expense of others. That was when I stopped talking to her. I respected that other one a lot because she actually stood up for me when the trouble occurred. I really appreciated it, to a point where I don’t know how to put it into words.

I never really know about all of your lives. I told you mine, though. Guess I had to do the asking, eh? I’d thought it was an initiative on your parts. Real friends don’t have to ask so much. They just tell and keep telling. To me, that is.

Not everyone is me, eh? Let’s just keep it that way. At least I still have one, whom can still share nonsensical and grave issues. It’s two-way. I like this one best.

I just thought I could be listened to, no matter how trivial and at least be interested in what I have to say. Most of the times, that’s not what I really get. People listen, but don’t seem the least interested. I don’t know.

It was a bad day, a real bad day. Some unwanted things came to light. At least it clears the air a bit. I know where to cut the line now. Thanks.

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Post XX: sense of achievement

February 23, 2006

Another sense of achievement on my part!

Half an hour ago, I succeeded getting 5.0/5.0 for my very first Gradiance Lab Assignment. Then again, the assignment may prove to be trivial in the sense that probably the rest of the cohort completed it in like half an hour or so? I just have this hunch that they’re so much smarter than me.

But, there’s still the consolation that I got it all right all on my own! With the aid of lab previous lab exercises and references to those that were supposed to be done during the lab sessions we had.

Feels so accomplishing. Took about 2.5 hours to get them all right. Nevertheless, it makes me feel happy.

Happy.

Like when I completed my first CS2104 lab, though I think that was a trivial one too. 🙂

Back to clearing up the rest of the avalanche.

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Memo 1: on track?

February 23, 2006

Yeayness. I’ve cleaned the mess in my room. Hope it’ll last ’till the semester ends. Can’t wait for it to end!

Then again, there’s so much to do before it’ll be able to end. Sobs…

I have yet to clean up my avalanche.

 


    

Memo

  1. CS2102 Gradiance Lab Assignment by Thursday 23 Feb ’06 at 5.00pm
  2. CS2301 Draft of my task & layout ideas by Friday 24 Feb ’06
  3. LAT3201 Comprehension & Lesson 47 by Friday 24 Feb ’06
  4. CS2104 Lab Assignment 2 by Friday 10 Mar ’06

Tests

  • CS2104 on Tuesday 28 Feb ’06 missed it 😦
  • CS1231 on Wednesday 01 Mar ’06 missed it 😦
  • LAT3201 on Friday 03 Mar ’06
  • LAT3201 on Monday 06 Mar ’06 Thursday 09 Mar ’06
  • CS2102 on Tuesday 07 Mar ’06
  • GEK1519 on Thursday 09 Mar ’06

Deadlines

  • CS2301 First Draft of User Manual Proj on Wednesday 01 Mar ’06
  • CS2301 Final Draft of User Manual Proj on Wednesday 08 Mar ’06
  • LAT3201 First Draft of Newsletter Proj on Friday 10 Mar ’06

 


    

Okay… Think I’d better start doing something before I waste time away again.

CONCENTRATE.