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insomnia

July 25, 2008

How the heck do you get over being insomniac?

I’d thought the lethargy would just hit me and put me to a deep weighted slumber but it seems highly impossible at the moment. I tried ridding my mind of all negative thoughts and still am unable to close my eyes without having them eyelids flickering back wide opened. I tried putting calm serene thoughts to my mind, but force seems not a reliable method after all.

So how now brown cow? A phrase my friend used to love saying.

Ya know, I’d always thought no amount of words on this space would attract anyone. But I just found my first knitting post on another so-called wordpress blog. However that blog seems to me as if they’re collecting the posts for traffic’s sakes. Ha! Yes, I shall not divulge the link lest something bad happens to me!

Oh that brings me to the wandering thought. Should something awful happened to me, who’d come straight to my rescue, aight? I will never know until that something happens. Until then, there’s no use for me to wander / hope / expect. Lest disappointment would fill me up should I happen to end up, ya know in the graves.

Yes positivity is a hard thing to maintain, I realised. There was never that much positivity posed to me in my life for a start. So trying to have it only now eats me up sometimes. Ya know, I used to think that being too optimistic will only lead to grave depths of disappointment should my positivity fail to work out. Then again, being all pessimistic halts you from giving your all. Putting in your fullest potential to be happy. Trying to balance the two is currently driving me to my omniversent friend, the wall.

It doesn’t help you know. All your life, when you thought you could finally do something that you want, and then you get a critic at the sides. The sides you’d thought would support you no-matter-what-happens. All your life, when you thought if you finally had someone there always-standing-by-you-no-matter-what-happens, life would be more fulfilling to live by and I wouldn’t need to be so independant. There was always this notion that I live by that the eldest sibling has to be stronger and more independant than the younger ones. Yes, I tried very hard to live by that belief but along the way there were hitches. Instances, when I just broke down. I couldn’t handle all the emotions myself after all.

Maybe I’ve watched a soap opera / drama too many. Watched ’till I get delusional? Or is reality that hard for me to accept?

It’s so freaking hard for me to get to sleep in peace these days. Unless of course, I tire myself out entirely during the day that I have to just lie down and shut my eyes.

Damn insomnia.

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