July 22, 2008

Sometimes things happen so strangely, you don’t know how to fathom them. Neither will you be able to understand the reasons behind them happening.

I was surfing through some written thoughts of my friends, acquaintances and people whom I have met throughout this journey called life. There are people who do actually take the face value of whatever’s brought to them. I realised I don’t.

Almost always, I never fail to try and dig up every ounce of history, past, present or even reason of why is it brought to me. Without any of this additional information, or should I fail to get any, or think that the information is insufficient to fill me, I feel restless. Maybe not just restless, just not in a stable state of mind. Insanity? Haha, maybe, if it does take me very long to try discover something new out of it. Otherwise, I’m just left with this wandering state of mind, thinking, “Damnation, I am missing out on something, aren’t I?

It was a good thing for me since I was young. Yes, I was and still am a very curious creature. It is one of the main reasons why my mind is never at tranquil. Oftentimes I don’t really get my answers directly from them. I deduce whatever I can from the time they were brought to me. Other times, they still puzzle me.

Like how it has been for the past yes you know  how many months.

I went through practically mental turmoil for the past few weeks, trying so hard to be optimistic because there was no one there who would let me just lean and cry it away. There was once that I did exactly that, but I doubt the person really understood what I was going through. Furthermore, I couldn’t be selfish. I wouldn’t know if the concerned person was going through the same thing altogether. There was only so little communication between us. All I can do now is be patient and wait and give trust like I was asked to.

I don’t know. Maybe my life was never meant to be easy to start with. Yes, I could be the best in what I do if I really wanted to. No one really sees that because I was never allowed the chance to. They weren’t confident of me at all. How can they even know when they never let me show them?

I enjoy learning to do new things, things that I love to do. Things that I’ve always wanted to try and do. Without any formal training. I prefer trying out on my own. I prefer looking at the demonstrations and doing them. You know, like photographic memories of the instances, I remember by seeing. I see and translate to my mind’s language. This never fails me.

And this is exactly how I learnt to play the piano, no matter how amature I was and still am. As long as it’s music to the ears. This is exactly how I did the jobs that I enjoy doing. This is exactly how I learnt to do each and every single craftwork that I see and want to try (which is infinite!). This is exactly how I practice the language I want to pick up. Well my ears work the same way as my eyes do.

Just when I was at my wits’ ends last Friday, a mail came for me.

Finally, they’re accepting me. I will have a job.

Although not 100% my ideal job, but it is something I enjoy doing. I have a habit of picking out what children are weak at, like a pattern that they show to me in their work. I correct them by giving them a reminder. A reminder that they should never fail to remember. It has worked so far with the children I’ve worked with in my current part-time stint. But I’m limited to only how much I can provide to them, as the centre’s motto is to be independant learners. But in this new opening, I can tell them everything that I want to tell. I only hope that they will accept me the same way I accept them.

I am afraid of the resistance, but which job doesn’t have it? Now, everything’s pretty much in tranquil. I hope it will stay that way or having some spurts of joyful surprise every now and then.

I may still not fathom why my path is that hard but I hope that it won’t get any harder than it already did. I just want to try taking the face-value  of things right now. Too much indepth thinking really does tire me out. Especially the insomnia that comes along with it.

To positivity and cheery lives ahead.



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