July 18, 2008

How do you deal with multiple emotions at once?

I seriously do not know. I do know I have had sleepless nights. Countless. Last night’s was the worst.

I know he’s almost always not free. But last week he did took the time to chit chat with me. This week there wasn’t much communication. It drives me insane.

Not that I don’t trust him but I simply can’t come to terms with the thought of losing him just because we lack communication. What’s worst, it doesn’t help that I do not fathom the reason as to why he surfs those sites. Is he really giving up on me?

Am I that hopeless or not good enough for him? He thinks I don’t trust him enough. I do trust him. But it shook my trust everytime I saw that. I mean what is the point of wanting me to trust him if he’s on the search for something or someone else even…

I don’t know what to do. He isn’t really willing to open up. I don’t even know if he doubts anything about us. I want this to work so much that I don’t know whom to turn to.

Am I that insecure a person?

I don’t know how to put to words the heaps and mountains of feelings built up inside. It’s burning me away but it’s as if no one really understands. They think I’m strong enough to not even be this emotional. I haven’t been feeling really well because of this. I don’t know what else to do anymore.

And there I’d thought it’d be the end of my job hunt. But no, I don’t know why people like to toy with me. I always end up signing what does not seem reasonable to me at all. I don’t know what to do anymore. No one is willing to listen. I mean how much help can they only confer. I am suppose to help myself but I feel so dreadfully helpless. So much that I have to convey my feelings either in writing or this abandoned space that no one even reads. Talking hurts. Each time I try to say something to convey my emotions, it is almost always taken in the wrong way.

No one really understands me, not even now. This is no different from the start of this typing business. I don’t know where else is my comfort zone other than this space.

It’s like human interaction doesn’t work anymore. As long as I don’t know what the other party really wants from me, I keep holding back. I keep holding back to give my all.

I love you. If only you understand me.

If only someone is just there for me to lean and cry on. Everything will be ok…

It beats crying to myself alone surrounded by 4 walls, a door and a pair of windows. I don’t know who would bother saving me from this.

I feel sorry to myself. It’s like I have not done enough for myself at all. It’s like there’s no one out there who really appreciates me for who I am and worth. Am I worth that little to this Earth? I’m starting to ponder that thought.

I’m lost. Will someone please help me. I feel so in pain.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: