h1

bothered ii

December 17, 2006

I’m working to while the time away as usual, this holiday. Otherwise, I’ll just coop myself up at home, in that room, seated right in front of the laptop, and away I go playing games. Non-stop. Bathe. Eat. Play. Work. Sleep.

That’s the routine I’m currently having.

Seems like nothing interesting to go by, eh? Even meeting people seem so unlikely to occur. I don’t know. Was it because I didn’t take the initiative?

Too many things happen at once, even though it seems as if I’m supposed to have only that routine. It’s getting confusing.

I don’t know what I want.

There were times when I’d thought “hell yeah! i so want that! i’m gonna go for it at all costs” be it for the material world or human relationships. Now, I don’t know anymore.

You know what it’s like to be rejected so many times? It keeps bringing you back to questioning your status in society. What is it that’s missing that keeps you unwanted. After having trying to improve yourself, you get back on your feet. Lo and behold, you fall again after another rejection. You grow stronger. So does the doubt. You want to believe that you can do it, yet the thought of taking another risk daunts you. You don’t know whether to try again. You really don’t want to try again. You’re tired.

The irony is that, you see someone else do it and they had it easy. Then…

The regret of not trying sinks in.

I’m tired of it! Why can’t someone notice me? Why do I have to do the chasing? I want to be chased.

Damn it.

I like being asked after. I like being concerned about. I like attention. I just return the same favour only when I receive them. No, I’m not selfish. I’m insecure.

Am I not good enough?

I really wonder when will it be the day that I get noticed like that. I’m getting tired of this. I only want someone to depend on. I’m tired of depending on myself.

Oh, I’d planned to meet a friend this weekend. Another friend wanted to meet but couldn’t confirm it. Another long lost friend held a birthday party. If I could, I wanted to do all three.

I’d waited for the friend online last few days. Friend didn’t appear and I didn’t want to bother sms-ing cos’ it might annoy friend somewhat. So I’d thought to wait ’till I wake up this morning. Apparently I overslept. So, I never got around to meeting friend. Friend tells me of a sudden attachment to a girl the 10 hours before, where I was hoping friend would appear online. I was appalled somewhat. I don’t know how to describe it. Just really shocked and it wasn’t comfortable. Really, it wasn’t.

Added to that, it was a girl that friend has just met for a week or two? The girl initiated it.

That initiated a slight fever sinking in, and the weather didn’t look too good, and so I didn’t go for the party. It really wasn’t my day. I don’t know why. I just felt lost after that.

I feel cheated. Is there actually anything that’s controlling what’s my life gonna be? Or am I the one dictating it. Cos’ if it’s really me, then I must say that I’m the stupidest person I’ve ever met.

I feel so cheated.

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