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June 30, 2006

Simply because nothing comes to mind that fits to title this entry.

People say “You can’t lose what you never had.” No matter how I keep rewinding that sentence through my mind, I still feel as if I’ve lost something. I don’t know.

I didn’t lose my bearings before it. In fact, I just lost my patience because I felt as though I was driven to the wall of desperation. Not desperate to get it, but more like desperate to get the point across. So much was talked about and seemingly linked to what I’m trying to hint and yet it didn’t seem to get across. I just realised that there’s no difference to whether I did it personally or via other communicative media. The person was the same altogether and so was the person’s reactions.

I don’t know how to describe my own feelings after that. I didn’t lay out any expectations. To me, it didn’t really matter whether the reply was a neg or pos. Maybe I was just misled the whole time, when I was expecting a reply. It kept me hoping to a point where it didn’t matter what the actual reply turned out to be.

I know it’s peculiar. I didn’t really feel sad. I didn’t really feel heartbrokened. In fact, the initial feelings didn’t change, the feelings that started everything. Maybe I was a tad disappointed. But, the best part to it is that I wasn’t disappointed with myself or much that of the person. I was disappointed with how the situation turned out. I don’t know.

It was impromptu. It was in the heat of boiling desperation to be heard. I didn’t lose anything even when I received that sort of reply. I just stopped thinking. The thoughts stopped. It’s like the eraser just worked its magic without me thinking about it. The thoughts, though rewinding again and again, didn’t hurt me or anything. They just faded into oblivion until I fell asleep.

I might be in denial about myself but I can’t really tell. Usually only my dreams will tell the truth. Sadly, I can’t recall what was dreamt about last night. I only know that I find it strange that I’m not even intending to ignore the person. Everything just seems normal to me. Maybe it’s the way the person replied. It seemed so non-chalant. I’ve never come across such non-chalance before. It’s attracting me instead of repelling.

It’s weird but I just feel as if the person’s keeping something from me. It’s just an intuition but I usually trust my intuition. The thing is, how do you explain to someone that he/she is the one that you seek?

Especially when you can sense where the person is, just by walking towards the person without looking. When you dream so often about the person though you never keep in contact as much. When everything seems so normal when you’re together? How can you explain such things?

They can only be felt and experienced. If only that person could understand this bit. I think that person’s perspective is too practical. You can’t think so much about this subject. You have to feel it to believe it. Or maybe I’m contradicting myself… I don’t know.

I might be in denial about why I can be so neutral afterwards. The fact is, I actually came up with another piano composition, though short one. I usually do that only when I’m really emotionally affected.

But who knows? No one. Not even the person.

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