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Dear U

June 20, 2006

U probably doesn’t read me.
Part of me wishes U doesn’t.
Part of me wishes U does.
If U didn’t read me all these while, then U must be clueless about what’s going on.
If U did read me all these while, then U might be just putting on a pretense of ignorance.

Either way, I’m still filled with mixed feelings. Am I supposed to be happy or not? I’m confused. You ask me both ways, and I still can’t answer it. I can’t answer to anything since yesterday because I can’t even answer myself.

This post, if anyone bothers reading, is not a depression post or anything of that sort. But if you’re bothered, you can leave.

U, let me reiterate:

I’m not rich.
I don’t earn much.
I don’t save much either.
I just don’t spend much.

Get the point? I don’t need the money, simply because I don’t spend much. Why bother having so much money? U thinks I have plenty of money just because I handed U 50 bucks to pay for the movie? I don’t remember if I actually told U that I’ll treat U for the movie. But hey, I don’t mind. I really don’t mind it at all.

If I were to go out with any good company or pay for shared presents, I’ll have plenty of money to spare for all of them. Not because I’m rich. It’s simply because I have that amount to spare. Everything comes from my savings. And my savings don’t amount to even 2k.

Don’t ever have the misconception that I’m rich. I just hate that. Everyone thinks I can afford anything in the world. Hey, money can’t buy you everything. It can’t buy me what I really want. So U, think again. Why did I bother spending that money with U?

I’d rather spend money with you, than for you.

To me…. It wasn’t the movie nor was it the money. It wasn’t the time nor was it the place. It was the company.

What was it for you? Was it because it was supposed to be that other show? Was it because it was free? Or what was it?

For the time that I knew U, each time I suggested to give U a treat; a meal or an ice cream. U said, “Don’t need to treat la. I don’t have the money now but I also wouldn’t want you to pay” as in pay for U’s share. But yesterday gave a whole new meaning to it. We didn’t go dutch, U. Or maybe we did treat each other, just not quite the treat I had in mind.

-03.14pm-

I’m not complaining or anything. In fact, it wasn’t until those who cared, asked me about it that I realised I’m rather stupid. Was I too generous with the money spent? o_O

I don’t know. Girlfriends tell me I was. I don’t know what U thought about it, though. Come to think of it, I don’t know what was up with U.

It’s true, I love pats on the head. But only few people pat my head like once in a while. Up till now, only SK makes it a habit to pat my head, like more than twice each time we meet. But, it’s because SK’s my brudder and I’m like a younger sibling to SK. U, why did you pat till I couldn’t count? I asked U “Do you pat like any short person you know?” and U said “Yeah cos’ it’s a convenient height to do so…” or something along that line.

What am I really to U?
A dog, like how you said I seem like?
A younger sibling?
A brother?
A toy?
Just a friend?

What am I really? I have plenty to ask you, but I doubt I’d ever do so. I just don’t know how to bring the questions across to you. There were plenty that I have already asked, but I still don’t seem to get the answers I’d hoped for.

Am I really that easy?

I don’t let just anyone treat me the way U did. I don’t know if U even realises that.

Confused.

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