June 12, 2006

Progress of all manners.

Progress of my so called project ROOM equates to almost 0 progress.

Progress of work, well I almost killed a kid last Friday. Here's what my friends thought:
"You murdered a kid?"
"You threw a kid out of the window?"

Well, it's a long story. But of course, I wouldn't do anything to harm the kid. In fact, it took all the energy I had for a day of work to tolerate the kid for like an hour. His session's suppose to last only for 3/4 of an hour, but he dilly-dallied and made me slow down in my workload. Well, at least the other kids understand why I couldn't mark their work in time. I really thank my blessings for having tonnes of angels and only one devil amongst the lot.

What really aggravated me and really made me boil inside, curbed eruptions of anger all focused to force the boy to focus in his work, is this:

"What's after 29?"
"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"
"Come on, concentrate. You know the answer, but you keep making mistakes."
"50? It's 50."
"No. Try again, it's not 50. What's after 29? Check the sequence."
"But my father tells me it's 50. You don't believe? Give me that other paper.
Give it to me. I show you. My father says it's 50.

And he continued challenging me, with the "My father says it's 50." for the rest of the session. And that face of his, which keeps turning away to look at others, instead of doing his work. And that "After this page, I'm done? Yes? I can go home?", which of course he turned to the last page of 10 pages, skipping all in between. He refuses to recognise his mistakes, nor learn from them. He refuses to concentrate. He refuses to even do his work.

I can't give answers because my job is to guide them to the answer. They're supposed to be the lot of independent learners. It's only when they genuinely don't know, do we come in to help. But, for his case, it's a matter of behaviour. He kept doing guessing games with his Math. I didn't want to scold him for that would make me look scary in front of the other kids. But, he just wouldn't listen until the older teachers came by to give him a real talking to. Sigh. Am I capable enough?

I was still a tad slow for that day. Maybe it's just the mood. Hopefully, the next day at work gets better.

Progress with dreams. I don't recall dreams as much anymore, unless they're significant. Yeah, you know like favourite dreams and those regular dreams. Or maybe, they're just not meant to be recalled. Haha. Maybe, it's because my life's currently at ease? Dreams are conjured up by deep thoughts and problems? — that's the theory I have now. Anyway, there was this series of dreams that I had on Friday night. I don't recall the whole series of it. But I do remember that there was this one part of it, where I felt something.

Yeah, it's another dream of H. Don't ask me why. Maybe, it's really just an inner desire, my unconscious mind leaked it out, or I conjured it up as a dream after thinking so much about it in the day. I thought about it, I didn't really think of anything along that line during the day. I was always thinking that it was just me.

I dreamt that he said "I love you" by running his finger across my chest, writing the words while mouthing it. Yeah, those who know me, you can laugh =_=. I thought too much, eh? That wasn't what scared me. What scared me was the part when he said it and motioned it, I felt it. No, my arms were around my bolster. So, don't say I imagined it. I literally felt it and I felt that kinda ache in the chest when someone says that to you and you want to say the same words back. Now that's freaky. I don't know how a dream can make your heart ache. Like how I had dreams that really made me cry. My pillow was wet with tears.

I literally felt it. Had these kind of dreams before?

The tears, I can explain that I really cried. I cried a few times before. But a heart ache? That's the first I've ever had in all dreams. This is soooooooooo going into "Memories".

By the by, H's utilising MSN. You don't know just how happy that made me. It's so inexplicable that I can only keep laughing each time I want to tell someone about it. In doing so, I come out with crazy words and the anxiousness of it all just spills over.

I told twin just last night that

me: tell u smtg… i tInk i'm going crazy cos the guy i always dream about has finally given hIs life to msn last wk

twin: given his life to msn.. that means he is constantly on msn ?

me: no la… i'm exaggeratin hmm usually appears when he's free… and he says he tries to be online everyday… thOu i dUno y

twin: talk to him then

me: yea i happy till crazy… i see hIm online… i go THIS CRAZY

twin: hahaha.. LOVE

me: OMG

twin: LOVE LAH maybe not love. maybe crush. u have to find out !

me: how do u find out that kinda thIng -faints- 

twin: er talk to him lah.. see how is he now.. build bridge

me: no use… i talk to hIm everyday.. i'm still like tHis -> CRAZY 

twin: uh huh that good?

me: hahahaa actually not everyday… almost. but talk nonsense

twin: good lah

me: dUno… dUn talk.. den i like got withdrawal like that OMG

twin: HAHAHHAA wat a sign wat a sign 

me: NO 

twin: =) 

me: (runs away)

twin: i feel happy for u man. really.

me: NO he doesnt noe it i guess LOL

twin: talk more ! u heading the right direction

me: har… what if i run out of thIngs to say man. ahhhhh!

twin: come on u wont run out of things to say one

me: how u noeeeeeeee =S

twin: theres always things to talk abt with ppl u like

I actually enjoyed the conversation! {}{}{} Love you loads! Lol, even though we meet like so seldom.

There was this other time when I got paranoid over something and I didn't want to enquire about it, and S was like "Oh come on, it's really not what you're thinking. Go ask him about it lah!" When people just nudge you like that, it makes me crazier. But, at the end of it, you feel relieved that you could spill your thoughts and heart over to someone else.

The problem is actually me doubting what I'm really feeling. I won't know the answer no matter how I think about it.

"slowly from msn to sms to phone to outings"
"go with the FLOW"

By the way, it's sms. Then there was only twice or thrice where he called, only one of which, did he really chatted with me, mainly to apologize and just chat. Then, he only used MSN like recently, last Monday? Yeah, outings. You know what's the weirdest part, Twin?

While you gave me the idea about movies, I asked him whether he watched XMenIII already or not, just to start the topic. It ended somewhere along the line, where he said "i watch with u la". But, I don't know when will we watch anything because his free day happens to be my working day. Hehe, by the by, yeah thanks for enduring my ever relentless rantings about this kinda topics 😉

classic phrase: "slowly slowly" / "man man lai"

"i am telling you to keep talking to him. not tell you to propose marriage to him."

I cracked up at the last sentence!

Guess you're right about the talking part. But most of the time, it's me who asks about something new. If it's anything that he starts, it's just to annoy me.

Anyway, life's been okay so far. And yes, my Sis is on holiday! While I have to work… Talk about timing.

I'm strangely without those deep thoughts I used to have. Maybe I just refuse to think so much now.

"i want the world in my hands"
"u want me in ur hands? then crash me? then kill me?"




  1. “i want the world in my hands”

    ” u want me in ur hands? then crash me? then kill me?”

    “no. i want to see the world through your eyes.”


    “That is all. That is all. That is all i want to do.”

  2. eh yours like very serious lol!

    actually you want to know what’s that about?
    MSN: “the world”

    hehe =b

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