h1

absence: rotting; shoes; deliberation

May 18, 2006

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

 Yeah right.

If anyone thinks me dead or gone into oblivion, it’s not time yet. By the by, the big gap of non-posting is mainly because my grey matter, the top one, is rather dry and out of juice. There have been so many instances where I wanted to type in something, but I just chose not to. Laziness.

I’m officially rotting. I want a decent easy to work with job, but unable to find one. Anyway, today at 10am I’ll be doing one back in campus. It’s a one day stint. That’s thanks to Ll. Other than this one, I guess not for the time being.

I have spent most of my life the past few weeks, sleeping. Don’t ask how I did it. I did. It’s like I can just lay in bed and doze off, wake up look at the clock, doze off. A sleeping machine. If I could make money out of sleeping 12 hours a day, I’ll be rich by now.

Because of this lack of posting and lack of waking up to see daylight, I have lost track of the days. I don’t remember anymore today is what day and date.

This is bad. I have to see daylight. Otherwise, what I’ve been wanting to do during the exam period, would never surface to exist. Then there’re also these other thoughts about what do I really want out of my life. If I don’t work, what should I do to make most out of the time I have. I really don’t feel like working, though it will be good for the resume. On the other hand, I don’t feel like doing anything, though it will be a plain waste of my time on Earth. Why are we even born to live on Earth? No one can give me the right answer. What is right? What is wrong?

If you can tell me, I’ll just tell you that it’s your perception of What is right and What is wrong. Any other human can have a different perception. Still, the bottomline is the answer is lined by perception. Is there anything that isn’t defined along this line? Everything is defined by way of our judgment. If we don’t judge, we don’t give a perception. Thus, we can’t define the subject. So, is there anything that is beyond what has been said?

Don’t talk about religions or scientists. They, too, have their own perceptions. Is there anything that doesn’t have to be judged as right or wrong?

This question will never be answered, in my humble opinion, of course. Again, perception. Come to think of it, whatever’s said seem to contradict one another. All because of words. Words. How did the human race actually come out with words?

So many questions I ask. Left unanswered.

Anyway, I was left to rot. I haven’t been doing anything fruitful with myself, except perhaps to maple (Maplestory), think of new compositions to play on the Clavinova, watch the black box and live in dreamland.

Sidenote: I tend to lull myself when I play the Clavinova…

Speaking about dreamland, I’ve been to plenty of places. So many different dreams that they seem so real to me, I’d thought I was awake. I’ll elaborate some other time.

I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner in one meal.

I sleep at 6-7am and wake up at around 5pm. Twin has told me it’s unhealthy, but yeah, I am trying to kick the addiction. My bioclock’s totally screwed.

I tried to wake up at 9am last morning and ended up blinking and dozing off again. It continued ’till an hour or so until I heard my Mama go “breakfast’s on your table… I’m going out for a bit” and then the next moment it was noon time. Mama crashed into my room countless times trying to wake me up cos’ we’re supposed to go out and meet Sis. In the end, I did wake up at around 1pm, but Sis ended up changing plans to evening. So, in the end, I did wake up, eat, watch the black box, chat with Mama, played the Clavinova, looked at my lappie, went to look for home typing jobs online and dozed off again for about an hour or so. If only there was a job, where I could do in my sleep… 

Bought shoes! Finally found the size. Converse shoes only fit me in size 3.5! Believe it? Better do so. I was thinking it was still quite big in the front and the guy went

Well, that’s the smallest that we have. Any smaller than that you’ll have to wear the kid’s shoes already…

At least he didn’t laugh or anything. Mama and Sis did. Tsk!

Anyway, the sales guy’s cute 😀 He’s so amiable and tends to you just as you browse the shop. The other two guys were like slacking time away and like Mama said

Just waiting for the time for them to knock off!

Bad sales people. That guy was doing all the work: asking after customers, greeting them with a smile, etc. He’s nice and he walks as if he’s hopping. That’s when my Sis said

Cute, right? He walks with a hop! Haha…

She observes the weirdest things. Then again, I’m like that too.

Oh, this is like the first time in a long while, I went out. Hahaha. I did go out with Twin the other day. Think I’ll backpost that one.

Saw S on the black box at 9.30pm on Chan U, like she said. Now, I know what she went there for.

Haven’t heard from F and Sh, I wonder if they’re tired or they’re busy. I keep forgetting to text them :/

Have plenty of things in mind to do but haven’t gotten around doing them. Procrastination in play. I hope I unscrew my bioclock in time.


Was deliberating about it. Should I bother to update all the other people, who ever cared to read what I wrote, about this space? Or should I just forget about it, since they never asked…

Should I bother publicising this space, just so people know I exist? Or just leave it as it is.

I’m feeling half-hearted.

Part of me wishes that the people whom I care about would read this space, should I tell them about it. To understand me for me. Yet, I did that before and majority didn’t bother. Just who in the world, bothers to read lengthy pieces of text, when they themselves don’t write their own. They won’t bother. Usually those who read, are those who also write.

Part of me wishes to keep this space as it is, unknown. Largely anonymous, where people only know me by what I write. Anonymosity is good when the parameters for judgment lessens. People won’t judge you by your identity, location, study, etc. They will still judge you for what you write, though. But, words can don’t mean everything. Ambiguity.

Sigh…

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2 comments

  1. Try not to be so hard on yourself. What are we doing here on Earth? You’re right, we all have our own perceptions and we all deem ourselves right and others wrong. But that’s only a part of it. I think each person has a passion. Some people haven’t discovered it yet. Some people have. What is your passion? What drives you? Whether or not people read your stuff you should keep writing. Writing helps us express ourselves, it helps us grow in a way. And I believe a big part of life is growing.

    RYC: That would suck for the guy who spent all those hours if you took one piece! But I imagine it would be really cool to watch tumble down. I actually think there is a video on the site of one of the buildings falling over.


  2. Thanks for the insight. I do agree regarding the passion that each person has to life, the one that keeps them moving, living. Yet, there are just instances when we find that the passion can die midway. I have friends who tell me that this passion can’t last so they find such passion meaningless, saying that such passion is materialistic. Man’s wants and lusts, unnecessary and insatiable. Hearing differing viewpoints still keep me wondering because there’s never a real ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ =)

    I’d always thought of writing as a medium for expression, memorabilia and for keeping track of self-reflections. It helps me see how opinions, mood and mindset can change. Guess it does help us grow in a way, learning from our own thoughts =) Oh, yup growing is a big part of life. But what are we growing for?

    Lol… I tend to question plenty of things =X

    ThatPiece: Yeah, I think so too! =D



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