how it was

April 30, 2006

I had a paper yesterday afternoon.

I planned to sleep at 1.30am, the Friday night, and wake up at 5.30am, the Saturday morning. Woe as you would have predicted it…

I overslept. Thrice. After each alarm rang.

So, I only woke up half an hour earlier than the intended alarm set by Mama. The first words I uttered were "die. i'm supposed to wake up and study" and as usual Mama only said "then how?" Haha. Yeah, then how?

So, I only had to face it that I woke up too late. So, I only had to face it that I have to get all the slightest ideas of what kind of questions would appear. Concentrate on the topics that really interest me. Yes, it's math logic. One that I have a phobia of. Ask me, if you want to know why the phobia.

Cos' there were these huge topics and theories that had to be read in thorough detail, before anything could be fathomed out of them. I had to just read the significant bits and try figuring out the big picture. It was kind of too much to expect of myself in such a short time, given that I had to take a bath, get dressed and eat.

Then, when I was finally all done with the trivial matters of daily life, I sat down in front of my desk and shove my face into that puddle of white papers. It turned out to be harder than I thought. I was reading. But I wasn't understanding.

I was day-dreaming.

That was the ultimatum. I had to keep shaking my head to snap out of it. What was I day-dreaming about, you ask? It was a very nice one. One of an ideal situation. Nothing related at all to studies. But, it was kind of ridiculous, cos' I'm not even sure of it currently. There were two protagonists in that fantasy, supported by a cast of friends of the male protagonist. Haha. It was so feeding into what I've always dreamed of, but it wasn't in the right time frame. LOL. For goodness' sakes, I was suppose to crash-revise my logic =_= And I wasn't even acting logically. Duh.

After finally snapping out of it, or so I'd thought, I realised I had little time left to dilly-dally. I had to get myself to the examination hall. I cannot be late twice.

Concentrating to understand, while in the transport carriage, coupled with loud-speaking people and inconsiderate people, I don't even know if I'd understood what I read. Oh, right after I reached the first bus-stop to set off, I realised I only had in hand 4 white books to read for the last time, instead of 5.

I panicked. I rang up Mama. So, I didn't drop it along the way.

To my horror, it was the set of topics that I really wanted to read the most. I was worried they'd come out cos' they came out before in the Mid-term and I wasn't there. Then again, if it already came out before, it won't come out the same again, would it? I didn't know.

So, all I could do was, okay forget it. I'm already late. Plus, getting the book wouldn't help matters. I couldn't possibly remember everything in that short span of time.

But, I was really nervous. I didn't want a second go into the results I got like the first one. They are 2 different modules, but the concept is almost alike. It's just that this one's more into theory and mathematics. I supposedly like it better this way. Plus, I recounted the time, when there was this other module that I took and instead of being mathematical, it was more on the theory. I got past that one nicely, even though I'd thought that my reasoning methods were not as mature as mathematicians would have it. I only wrote what I understood them to be.

I so hope that I've did it for this one.

Anyway, it wasn't so smooth on how it was. I missed the bus. I had obstacles, so I couldn't run for the bus. I had to take another bus and walk the long hot route there. So many guys were having fun with soccer and what not. I really wonder how come they're so free. Then I saw Cv, getting the ball. Surprised smiles were exchanged. I walked briskly all the way to the building. It was jam-packed. Sardines. I couldn't find my little purple paper. Went around to find the seating arrangement and realise that my venue was on the 2nd floor. So, my instincts weren't wrong about my own memory of that little purple paper. I went up. I stood there. The air didn't move. It was still. It was stiff. It was hot.

I was drenched. Imagine how many tissues it took me before they finally opened the door to the examination venue.

I went in. I'd tried reading in that still stiff hot place, but not to much avail. So, I just went in. I saw Krn and we waved. Then headed to find my seat. Swell. It was the last seat of the row. I had the space to myself.

Then, it was time.

Flipped through the pages. More of relief poured through me. The rest of it was nervous curiosity. I attempted them in order of my memory of revision. I tried. At least 9/10 of the questions. I knew some of it was wrongly written, but I still tried. I didn't want to have too many blanks. My whole percentage depends on this paper. I couldn't afford to lose marks without trying.

I didn't want to pressure myself. I didn't want pressure from people. So I was glad that I sat at the last seat. To the left of me, was an empty seat. And the right of me, was rather far right. The spacing was just right. I had space.

But, our lecturer was invigilating. Invigilating's fine. He doesn't just do that. He stops behind you. He reads as you write. He reads as you pause. He observes as you pause to think. Seemingly as if he wanted to see what we wrote as our answers. Once would be fine. But, he did that to me at least thrice or more.

Nerve-wrecking. Especially when you pause to think through, and he does that. It's as if you're afraid that he'll know that you are doubtful of your own answer. The worst part is that he knows the right answer to it.

Was it a good thing or a bad thing? — him doing that too often to the same candidate.

It's scary.

I didn't panic when time was up. I planned to finish as much as I could. I felt relieved, when it was over.

I knew the nagging doubts turned out to be premonitions of mistakes. But, what's done is done.

I do enjoy the module afterall because it's like I did learn something out of it. Not useful to daily life, but just something. I did enjoy the lectures.

It's over. I hope it really is.


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