April 24, 2006

I'm floating!

floating (v-n): in the midst of deciding and setting priorities.

Great. I've sorted all my notes and tutorials and tests! Now, it's just to study them. But, I keep feeling the nudge to play instead of study. To top it all, I've been playing for the whole weekend since the first paper, and relaxing; and did plenty of unnecessary thinking.

So, now I've quite lost the direction. I had the direction like a few glimpses of time ago, but the inspiration fades the same way it came. I'm like the unpredicted weather. I can just go hot or go cold in an instant. I think I'm a walking contradiction =_= So much for trying to be logical with myself. Sometimes, I contradict what I myself think.

Okay, that's besides the point.

I have 4 more papers to do. I have to go to school and hand up my book by tomorrow. I have to collect it the day after. I have to collect my pink book tomorrow. I have to study 2 subjects before Thursday is reached. This is to lighten my load and panic for Saturday.

I keep getting hungry every now and then. It's like I'm evolving into a pig; much like what I thought had happened to my twin during the pre-exam period.

Have had these long dreams again. But, it takes so much effort to recall, should I forget the details once I opened my eyes. My dreams are so long, it'll take like an hour or so to type them all out, like it always has. People tell me to stop thinking so much. The fact is, I just try to get myself so tired that I go to sleep without thinking before falling asleep. Whatever happens after that, wasn't even related to what I could have thought about during the awake-time. That's what really amuses me. Added to that, the dreams are just strange. And I can only wake up at least 9 hours after I've fallen asleep. Yet, it feels as if I slept for such long hours. S tells me, dreams takes up rest time, therefore the long hours of sleep. But, I didn't even ask for the dreams to appear. In fact, I dream every night I close my eyes. I just can't fathom why there are others, who don't share the same experience. Am I a normal human?

Anyway, I'm just biding the time away until the zest to study gets back to me. When I start studying, I really prefer not stopping. If I'm distracted, that's the end of it. I'll have to wait for another gush of studying-excitement.

I'm a funny human. Haha, has anyone met one like me before?

Oh, I've been thinking. Thinking of having this space to be personalised. Totally, like hosted on another server, where I can have other things on it. My dream site. One, that I had been working on, but couldn't realise it until the site expired. It's a free site but I only hope to try it out. If it works, I'm happy. Then, it struck me, whether or not to change the layout of this space. The dilemma is, it's not really mine, but I really like it. I'm usually the stubborn one who would try all means and ways to do something to be something that's what I would call mine. If the gush of determination for it fades, don't worry. It will return another time another age. It always happens to me.

I'm really so used to seeing this layout, with all my favourite colour blends on it. I don't know if I can make one that can compare to this.

But I'll have to leave that all to after the exams. Sigh.

Then, I realised my dream scrapbook, has yet to even start. Yes, yes. Sigh.

Then, I realised I still want to have that class gathering. But, I'm doubting whether to even ask S to help with organising it. Come to think of it, I kinda hate thinking that she just gave up on it like that. Yeah, I was pissed with the fact that she can just tell me to change this change that, and her hp was low-batt. That was the most pissing moment ever: my hp low-batt, can you contact them instead? Okay, fine. I couldn't possibly blame her, could I? Oh, and I asked just who did she contacted? I'd thought that they were people other than those I'd contacted, cos' I knew she'd have their numbers. But, it didn't turn out that way. I don't know why she didn't mention it earlier. Then it was like chaos for me. It's easy for her to change things like that, delaying the time.

IMHO, I was thinking along these lines:

If we change the venue, it wouldn't be so bad, since we could still meet. There were people who'd already agreed. Even though, we weren't sure of the number, when I told them there'll be "a bunch of us", they'd agree. Like, hey, if you say it negatively and say "erm, supposedly the whole class…", I can be sure as hell that they'll deny the invitation. When in all glory, if you don't do your part in going, who will actually be there? Sometimes, these people really amaze me. And, it's just a request to meet out for dinner, not exactly anything big. So, if one didn't want to come, it's absolutely okay with me. But, she had to assume it like if so many people can't go, just cancel it. Like hey, if you ask to eat dinner with friends at any time, you can't expect much, right? So even 5 people would be okay. It's just dinner. She didn't really understand it, I think, nor did some of the rest.

If you delay the time, more people wouldn't go

1. Their enthusiasm, if any, would have faded.

2. Those whom you are still convincing, won't even feel encouraged.

3. In summary, any enthusiasm would have died, if the person was already prepared to go out, or already out.

Was any of these considered? No. If something were to be organised, act according to the situation should a plan fail to be executed. In this case, you really had to consider how'd the people react. Don't think she actually thought much into it. To think, she said she "like to organise events". And a day after, she just totally cancelled that portion off the little profile she wrote. When I tried to explain what I thought that night, she just said "forget it, I don't want to know". Like, what kind of attitude is that? If I was in the right mind in the first place, I wouldn't have bothered trying to do all that when I'm so busy. You said that Sunday would be fine, how'd I know that you had something else on that day. If you're tired out from all that and just pissed with me trying to get help to contact the rest, then why didn't you say so. Yes, I was pissed with your phone. I was pissed, when you changed the time and place, and yet "decide what to eat when we meet". People would want to know where exactly, since we've changed plans. That was totally like so non-chalantly said. Argh. I was only trying to meet for a regular dinner. Couldn't you understand that bit? Now, if there's anything to organise, I'd ask the rest to chip in. And it will be just a dinner. If anyone can't make it, it's fine with me. It's just dinner.

Okay, that's enough venting. I just really don't know what to think of her decisions. Sometimes, I really wonder, what we have in common. Why is it, most of the forward things are done by me, and not her. I'd have to probe her, if I didn't want to do something and that she do it for a change. Why is it, that I feel as if she's not living the most out of her life. Why is it, that I feel as if she's not being enthusiastic about things. She seems lifeless to me. Everytime I look at her, I feel that way. She looks troubled; in every direction that I look at her. Can't she understand people? She can't even deal with the previous group projects properly. Where's the pro-activeness? Seriously, come to think of it, it's like I was really utilised as a friend for the OP.

Am I just an asset?

Time for me to eat!



  1. Looks like you got a lot on your mind. Take it easy. I definitely remember the urge to do anything but study. It’s funny how many things you suddenly find interest in when books are calling your name. Study hard.

    Thanks for visiting the site. Check back for more entertaining things!

  2. Lols! Thanks for the nudge. Such a cruel fact to have so many interesting things to do when I’m supposed to be studying, haha 🙂

    Pleasure’s all mine 😉

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