April 22, 2006

I feel so human for once!


Okay, it goes like this. I've had the past 5 days to mug for today's paper. Being, the human that I am, I took perhaps half that period of time to do real mugging. The real mugging was of course only done yesterday and a weeny bit the day before then.

Had quite enough sleep before heading to school today. Surprisingly, unlike those papers I've sat for in the past 1.5 years, I didn't feel as scared. I was supposed to, considering the only minute amount of marks that I managed to conjured up for my CA. Still, it felt as if I was prepared, just nervous about the paper. It feels so assuring to know that I wasn't all jitters.

I used to be all jitters and then blacking out during the paper OR 5-10minutes late for the paper, thus all jittery from the time-panic OR Too tired out from insufficient sleep cos' I only did heavy mugging the day before.

I feel relieved somewhat. I know I probably made mistakes in the paper too, cos' it was a killer paper. Yet, I feel as if a small load has been lifted. I'm rather at ease. Can't fully describe the feeling.

I feel human.

It's like I've come to terms to really doing my best and did it. Let go and wait for the results at the end.

It feels awfully refreshing. Much more refreshing than those times when I was all panicky about the paper. Teaches one thing though: panicking does you no real benefit.

Asides that, a here's a little reflection about myself.

Comparing this current writing to that of 2004 (which is still in my hard drive), I prefer this writing; the one that really makes use of English. Real expression of self through writing, rather than those ungrammatical and manipulated use of English. Lol (except for the little "Lol"(s) and the little "Sigh"(s) and the use of "cos'" every now and then) Maybe it's just me trying to really fathom my own thoughts. But, I just feel better writing this way (okay, okay, it's typing).

Ah, I just feel so human today.

Oh, and I've got the marks for the OP the other day. Turns out that we didn't do too bad afterall. Of course, the marks are just considered to be average, in my opinion. Yeah, S got higher by 2. I am a tad jealous, but yeah it has to be my own fault that my part wasn't elaborated as well as it should have. The comments he provided also came across, as those that I never considered either. Shall take it as a learning point.

Perhaps, I shouldn't have looked at her marks, but I was just curious to know what she got too :/ Still, I just feel as if I was being cheated. Haha, can't really explain the feeling. It's like after all the effort, the powerpoint and everything, it's like she didn't contribute much to doing it, just the pictures, and that was cos' I asked her to. Even, scripts, about what to really say, most of the ideas was mine too. I know it's group work, still it's like yeah. It's just my nature to give plenty of ideas. And because of that, people will always say this to my face "you say easy, you do lah. your idea mah". That's what I always get, especially from people who are obliged to do group work with me. Then again, I'd feel the same way, if someone were to come out with such a super brilliant idea but does nothing to execute it. That's why, I'll take the effort of doing what I preach. I do what I say, to prove to them that it's not impossible, that the idea is indeed workable if only effort is put into it. And because, I have a habit of visualising how a presentation or skit is going to be like, I'll end up working with what we have to say, and how we want to say it. So to summarize it all, it's like I've been utilised to the full. But, S is my friend. A very good friend that I always believe to be. Furthermore, that week, she had more presentations to work on, other than the one we had. But, I too, had deadlines and tests the whole week. Was it just me being considerate, doing most of it? Or was it just me, being the friend that always say "nvm I'll do it, you don't need worry". I think I've said that plenty of times to her already. I don't know. There should have been more elaborated for my part, else I wouldn't have ended up with those marks. The fact is, it wasn't really discussed. It's like she also didn't really make up the contents for it. I had to suggest the idea of the evaluation, but ours was insufficient. Ideas from one person just isn't enough. And you'd think two heads would be better than one. She did help in some ways. Still, it wasn't enough.

I may just be complaining about the injustice I've received. But, I don't know whether I should even be feeling this way. It's like she didn't seem to take the OP as seriously as I did.

One has to have passion for something to come out with workable ideas.

I just feel cheated after all that effort. Maybe I should have taken the other role, instead of the one I had. Then again, it's over.

I'm only human.



  1. Only human. Quite a thing to be once we really think about it. You sound like a fine one to me. I’ve learned through my life of 67 years to always do my best–the best that I personally can do–then relax with the rest of it. I have been in charge of conventions of close to a thousand people, and always tried to keep that attitude. Do your best…then relax. Don’t worry too much about other people.

    I wish you every blessings,


  2. grades are not everything. its the learning journey that counts. (yeah. rite.. but let’s just keep deluding ourselves that grades dont matter THAT much , yah?)

  3. thanks to both 🙂

    well, i did try my best it’s just that i felt that my friend didn’t try as hard as i did. but, i may be wrong, since i’m not her. then again, yeah it’s over 🙂

    haha, u must be kidding. grades are not everything? yeah, i agree. the thing is, the knot here is that the marks seem unjustified. cos’ it’s like most of the credit went to S, as seen by the marks; though it’s our own performance that attribute to those marks. on the bad side, the behind-the-scene effort wasn’t accounted for. but i’m trying to ignore that knot. it’s driving me crazy thinking i was utilised not for myself. oh well~

    do agree about the learning journey. i’ll learn not to be the one contributing so much to the extent of not earning the marks myself. should worry more about myself than others.

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