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unease

April 4, 2006

Not sure why.

Don't know why.

I'm feeling uneasy.

Not as if I'm all that free with nothing to do. I have plenty to see to their deadlines. But, I don't know what's stopping me! Argh.

There's just this gnawing feeling that I might have missed out on something or regretting something or not doing something. The only realisable thing I'm not doing is clearing my avalanche. What else am I missing out on??? It's really killing me.

I can't understand some people either.

You know about all those community websites and keep-in-touch websites? Well, apparently, suddenly these few friends signed up. Okay, perhaps they're like me. They didn't have that time much earlier, so they never bothered until now. Then again, I realised how much they could have changed. Or perhaps, they were already that way. One of them suddenly had this mentality of utilising it to meet new people, to meet the other half and whenever I read that part of the profile, I'm much in awe. It never ceases to amaze me how sentimental that person became. I always thought it was inborn. But, it just scares me when the eagerness to meet the other half is put blatantly there; simply because it's so unlike the person I know. Always hiding those thoughts. Another one, suddenly became enlightened and seemingly freed of that darkness. This one, I understand cos' of the situation experienced before the profile was changed. I know why the change in profile and realise that this person's style of utilising the various websites are quite similar to mine, just quite vague and there for the sake of being connected.

I never really believed in these websites, simply because most of those I'm connected to, I never really kept in touch with. The few that do, are those whom I can still see. Usually, after a certain phase of my life, I tend to just move on and keep up with another phase. It's just so hard to keep up with that other phase, that I may seem as if I've totally forgotten about those I've met in the previous phases; which is totally not the case. If I had a choice, I'd want to have all those people with me, in the same era as I am. But, reality makes it quite impossible. So, all I have is their contact number, email and nothing much else.

Then again, there are some people who still keep in touch, but with their initiation. I was never one to initiate cos' usually, I wouldn't know what conversations to start. I only know how to meet new people, but get all tongue-tied when I meet old ones. Due to that time gap, all I can do when I do meet up with them, is reminisce all that happened when they were with me. It's like viewing a whole film while I see them in front of me; how they've changed, how they've grown and how they've … Weird ain't it?

Yet, when I don't get to see them, I keep missing them. I miss them so much, I just want to see a txt msg from them, hear their voices or even see their current photos. It's like trying to fill up that gaping hole in the heart. Or even that gaping hole in the mind, where I keep imagining possible instances I could have with them. Fantasizing.

But my current situation wouldn't allow me to do all that. I can't even fantasize in peace. I have too much to worry about. I can't even have all the time to myself. Much as I've tried, I would end up having to make up for all that time wasted. Everything comes with a consequence. Why can't I be free?

There's so much unease in me, I want to burst. It's really filling me up. If only all the people who matter, could understand this unease.

All the people who matter, but I can't meet. All the people who matter, but can't tell my feelings. All the people who matter, but can't realise why I'm all tongue-tied. All the people who matter, but don't know why I'm all boring when we finally meet. All the people who matter, but don't know why they do.

They matter so much, how they see me matters to me. How they perceive me, matters to me.

Should I tell?

Quite at a loss. I feel like sleeping my whole life through. Tired out from it all.

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