antibiotics; nerves; anonymosity

March 23, 2006

As I’ve said, the Doc will earn more money, which he did. He gave me some extra strong antibiotics and boy is it strong. I came to find out that the same antibiotic is used to treat HIV-related illnesses, in the web. Just the thought of that sent me shivers.

I used to take this cephalexin when I was 12, and broke out into rashes. Apparently, cephalexin is somewhat milder, but helps cures the problems that I had and am having. Turned out that I’m allergic to penicillin, thus allergic to cephalexin.

This time around, I don’t know what triggered the weird ailments again. But, the swollen lymphnodes on my neck are much bigger and hurts more than that last time. Even now, being the 3rd day into medication, it will just throb and lead me to headaches and a painful right eye, if I don’t take the medication.

If I have to go back to the Doc’s, I don’t know what to expect.

It’s really freaking me out.

 Yesterday, I so didn’t want to go for classes. But, I had to. I had this short talk that will be graded and the whole class had to do it. So, I did went afterall. 

I was thinking I’d be okay since I’ve been reading the prepared talk over and over.

When I first sat in class, the tutor just totally asked me to be the one to handle the feedback forms for the talks, just cos’ I was sitting at the edge. Weird thing was, when I moved to sit with my friend at the center table, he still suggested that the edge would be more convenient for me. Apparently I found my choice more convenient cos’ it became somewhat easier to just ask your classmates to pass around the forms. In the end, I kind of got their names better and there was communication in the class. I thought that felt better in the class. I don’t know if my tutor realises that.

Names were called out at random, by the picking up of name slips by the previous speaker. I was totally taken aback, just after the first few speakers, mine was next. I don’t know why, but it really got to me.

I became a nerve wreck. Like totally. I could feel it even when I was speaking. The wavy sounds that came out of me. But I just had to keep talking. There were times, when I just had brain blocks but I still kept talking, as if I was talking so excitedly with my friends. I don’t know, but to me it really felt like that. I just kept talking until I thought my time has ended. I did wasted not saying a good line. But well, it’s over.

The most amusing part was, I don’t really understand why they were laughing. Even our tutor was laughing at times. I don’t know whether it was because what I said was funny or how I said it, was funny.

But, at least I had one thing cleared: They weren’t bored. I only didn’t want them to be bored. Cos’ someone at home said so.

But… I WAS A TOTAL NERVE WRECK. I just don’t know why I couldn’t calm down. It just really got to me. Argh.

Then, everyone else went out talking so calmly. I’m envious. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I got pretty high marks for the user manual assignment 🙂 But, I’m still amused by the fact that I got higher than my partner. I’d thought my part was too simplistic. I’m happy for myself.

Think I might just flunk the short talk.

By the by, I’m suppose to be attending a lecture as I’m typing. But, I’m still at home. I don’t know what made me not go, but anyway, I think I’ll do some fruitful things for the time being ’till I’m off for lessons at 2pm. Or maybe I should just rest.

I’ve been feeling so lethargic lately. Waking up is a chore to me, even though I slept for more than 8 hours. Waking up is like waking up with that swollen node in the neck, headache and eye ache again. It’s never a good feeling.

I don’t know what’s bloody wrong with me!? If only I could return to normal…

 I’ve just had this thought lately. The anonymosity is really giving me a sense of ownage. A sense of satisfaction with the fact that people do not know me. 

They always say, if you do not know someone, don’t even try to judge that someone.

Now, I come to think that perhaps, not knowing the person will actually help in getting another point of view. Getting other opinions is always better than getting those biased to just make you happy.

Cos’ I always had this thought that, they may think it’s okay but what about the people on the outside? You can’t see everything if you’re cooped up in that cage of a clique all day. You can’t feel other people if you’re cooped up in that cliqified methodology of thoughts and emotions. Isn’t that why it’s always better to have someone sitting on the fence?

You may think it’s better to always stay in that particular group of people. But what you don’t see is when you are left all alone.

Being alone, won’t lead to people categorising a certain ring of people because you become obvious to them that you are in a ring. Being alone, especially for those lessons, where you know no one, actually helps you observe other people. Get to know other people. It helps me to just want to know people cos’ you share the same interest in the subject. I don’t know them all that well, but their company during lessons is really gratifying. Even if I had their company outside of lesson hours, I won’t feel all that comfortable. Cos’ I prefer just sitting alone in the bus all the way home. I don’t talk, when I’m tired. I don’t talk, when my brain has shut down since lessons for the day has ended.

I don’t mind being alone during my free time cos’ I know I’m not alone during lessons. I meet really interesting people and I like it that way. Anyway, it’s not as if I have that much free time this semester. I almost have none of that. Unlike some people.

I always thought a group project is one, where you really talk about it. Apparently, this time around, these two people really don’t see the need to talk about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with them. But seriously, it’s plain disgusting to have them that way. Since you’ve done most of it, without me knowing you actually did, you dump the rest on me, eh? Great. Just great.

You don’t even attend lectures and tutorials. How am I to even meet you?

I do have my share of not attending lectures, but it’s cos’ I’m unwell. I don’t know about you. Why should I even bother anyway. Now I just don’t see the point of keeping the contacts. I have to ask you then you tell me. Do I have to do the asking everytime? Do you actually understand the term group project?

It’s utterly laughable. I don’t know what you people are doing.

Anyway, I love the anonymosity of this place. Few people know I’m here. Bliss.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: