h1

insecurities

March 19, 2006

Haven’t been in here in a while. The last date I’d posted anything was actually my senior R’s birthday. And just last Friday was my friend A’s birthday. Friend J’s will be on this coming Monday. And though he made us anticipate a possible birthday gathering by him, nothing of the sort has been heard of in the form of an invitation. Oh well. No present for him then. Lol.

Last Tuesday was me in a wreck of nerves. I just couldn’t explain it. Much as I’d want an explanation myself, I couldn’t find an affirmative one. Just talked about it with S, updating her with what went on.

Anyway, yeah it was seriously my first time entering such a premise, with those kind of clothes there. Where customers will have to fill in their particulars as a part of their record and then take measurements to see what fits you best.

Never in my whole life, have I tried anything with just a thin slip-on on and of course, undies. Can you imagine? I never had anyone measure me with just that piece of cloth on.

Never.

I had a big culture shock actually, added to the fact that the lady spoke in Mandarin. Okay, I do understand a tad bit. And since she was totally familiar with that language, and I doubt she could do better in any other, I went on with her. Come to think of it, I’d rather embarrass myself, than embarrass anyone there, since I was doing him a favour.

But, what I didn’t know was, I’d already embarrassed him by being a whole bunch of tangled nerves. I only knew about his annoyment when he called me that night.

I had so much to say to him, but couldn’t when I was with him. Instead, I talked more on the phone.

I don’t understand myself sometimes. Why can’t I just talk freely to guys? I’d either try to poke fun at the guy or find something to argue with the guy. Never really any serious talk. Unless perhaps it’s K, but most of the time, the chat turns into a joke 😀

I told S it’s because I was afraid that they might not be interested at the least in what I would say to them. Even she found me weird. =_=

Either that, or really I just feel insecure when faced with a guy. I’m only really comfortable if I know what was up on his mind. But that’s not possible every single time, is it?

Yeah, I can expect their reactions and emotions and what not, possibly the reason behind them, but never the true explanation of it all. Cos’ I was afraid I might be wrong and misunderstand them instead.

When he walked me back, he insisted that I was the one holding back and being really unfriendly not talking to him properly, giving just curt replies. I was dumbfounded for it wasn’t my intention to be that way, added to the tired mode I was in. I was probably in malfunction mode!

When I’m in malfunction mode, I only complain, complain and blame it on being tired.

If only people knew that and won’t accuse me of being negative. I was just really tired and experienced a culture shock, not that he’d understand it anyway. Tried to let him understand.

If only he knew the real reason why I even helped. For goodness’ sakes, I’d almost said it. I chose not to, in the end.

What was surprising was how he’s changed.

He actually apologised to me for being mean on the way back, and explained why. That was when I realised that I had created a bad impression of him to his teacher. He actually talked about it. I didn’t think he would.

S then told me that he’s actually nice if you’re nice to him. As in, just stop to listen to what he has to say. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps I have overlooked that point of trying to stop and listen to him. I did listen to him a tad lot that whole day, though. Cos’ I do stop and listen to K. Actually, I listen most, he talks most. Can’t really think of any other guys I do really talk to. Perhaps, there’s J. But he’s quite out of frequency. He doesn’t get what I’m trying to say at times and isn’t really interested to know. As compared to K and H, they stop to ask me to repeat myself.

I really appreciate it when people take time to listen to me. In fact, he actually listened and encouraged me to work harder. He isn’t the only one. But, I still find my current path of study rather pointless. Sigh.

 


         

There’re these other insecurities. Projects.

I don’t like group projects, when the people involved don’t communicate. They don’t say anything regarding the project. Don’t mention it anywhere. Don’t say anything as a form of update.

Makes me feel as if I’m not wanted and not needed. And at the end of the day, when the project’s all done and handed in, you come to wonder whether you actually really contributed and will the other members sabotage you and reflect your lack of contribution in the peer review form.

It makes you awfully paranoid. In fact, I am paranoid. And I awfully hate this feeling.

CAN’T THEY JUST GIVE SOME UPDATE SOMEWHERE. At least I won’t feel so useless. Don’t they trust me? Am I that useless?

Not as if I didn’t ask them about the project. I did. But no one talked about it since that day.

 


        

When I meet people, there’s always this first impression of the person that just sticks to me. I tried hard to get over it. Oftentimes, I’d want to get to know those that gave the positive impression better. Other times, I’d depend on how we can actually talk to each other. If we talk fine, I’d want to get to know the person better. If there was some kind of attraction, I’d want to get to know the person better. Otherwise, then it’s probably cos’ you’re a friend of my friend.

Once I can talk to you, as in really talk, I take the risk of trusting you. Really telling you anything possible about myself. Of course, there’s resistance initially. If we’re comfortable, we’re good. But being comfortable doesn’t need to take months or years. It only needs quality time spent.

Some people just don’t get it. They count it by years. They count it by how long, not how good. I count it by how good.

Like I only know how much of M, but we hit it off fine, even when we never saw each other before.

Like I only know how long of K, but we can hang out and talk and have fun.

Like I only see how much of them, but we still chat as if time couldn’t separate us.

If something occurs, that gave me the impression that you lied to me or betrayed my trust in some way, I’ll totally disown the friendship. Yeah I know that you shouldn’t forget the good times and remember that one bad time. To me, it takes just one bad to erase all the good. I trust you. I’d thought you trust me too. If you don’t why bother calling me a friend.

My definition of friend is different. If you’re a friend, I’d keep you forever. I’ll take the effort of asking after you. I’ll take the effort of knowing you. I’ll take the effort of telling you. As long as there’s time for it, there’s you.

If I don’t do all that, either it means cos’ I know you have others to depend on, we will not see one another after that short period of knowing, or I’m not comfortable with you, not at all.

You didn’t get it. I tried so hard.

I feel so much better off now. It’s really quite the load off the shoulders. I won’t cause any arguments with you. I won’t worry about you. I won’t have to fight for your attention. I won’t have to listen to all your musings and mine left unheard. I won’t have this thought that you don’t trust me. I won’t have this feeling that you’re holding back from me. You don’t know how painful it was. It may mean nothing to you. But it meant the world to me.

You can call me paranoid. But, I am what I am. I worry about anything and anyone that mean something to me. I wasn’t appreciated the way I’d hoped to. Perhaps it’s the same for you? But I’m tired of this difference with you. You kept a distance. When I keep a distance, it’s a pretty long distance. Then again, not as if you will bother.

I’m tired of meeting unnecessary people. I only want the people who appreciate me, for the load of nonsense and nerves I am. For me. I’d be there for them anytime. I only want that reciprocation.

I am not asking for much, am I?

 

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