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Post XX: loss

February 22, 2006

I’m at quite a loss actually. I don’t know whether to just keep writing as if nothing happened, or just chuck it aside in the deepest cracklines found within my memory bank. It’s really eating at me should all those that I’ve been writing so far just be lost like that.

  1. brings me great regret for not backing up the posts
  2. I’ll lose quite a huge piece of my past self
  3. makes me disillusioned about what had really happened

Writing does keep me sane. Helps me dictate what actually happened and are not just my fantasies. I tend to daydream a tad too much. That’s what’s making me disillusioned. Without rigid hardcopies of memories, I lose touch with what’s reality.

I sound like I’m an insane git or something.

It’s not like that. I’m just trying to anchor myself in some way. But now I might just lose that old anchor. Should I make a new one? It’ll be real hard to forget though.

Then again, what’s done can’t be undone, can it? I’ll still have to face it if I lose it.

Sigh.

How come my 2006 sucks this much?

  1. it was that stupid git of a so called friend
  2. it was that trusted person whom did have doubts afterall
  3. it was that too friendly git of a friend
  4. it was that online quiz that cheated on me
  5. it was that group that really almost had me in the gutters
  6. it was that tutor that really freaked me out
  7. it is the avalanche of neverending assignments
  8. it is the hurricane of projects and tests
  9. it is the current group of overly confident smart alexs
  10. it is the break that isn’t a break
  11. it is the clique that never was
  12. it is the guy that wasn’t worth
  13. it is the endless headaches each night

But, all of that was made up with one thing:

  1. the fun that I never really had
  2. being awfully utmostly myself

Thanks to those who’ve contributed and still do. Goodbye to those whom I feel are awkward pieces of puzzle to my life.

I’m happier not having to wonder. I’m happier not having to worry. I’m happier not having to be paranoid. Stop my paranoia, eh? Yes, there you have it. Both sides will be happy, won’t we?

I’m happier not having to be the evil one. The suspecting one. The untrustworthy one. The forgotten one.

I can tell anyone for sure:

  1. I hate being the last to know.
  2. I hate being the one left behind.
  3. I hate being the one not told.
  4. I hate being ignored.
  5. I hate being forgotten.

In certain circumstances of course. As long as I’ve been in either of those, I have a tendency to lose my trust somehow. Why bother explaining myself anyway. No one person has the exact perspectives as I do. Not everyone is me. Not everyone is you.

Yes, the loss has been great this semester. A tad too great so much so that I just want to quit living in someone else’s desires. I want a life of my own. I may not live long. So why shorten my life with this burden of carrying out your desires? I’m sick of it.

You can never give me what I want cos’ you’re too full of yourself. Fulfill your dreams yourself. Don’t shovel them all on me. I hate you.

Pay me back my losses.

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