Post XX: life sucks

February 21, 2006

Eversince the the downtime of the D-X server due to problems to the server hard drive and such, I can’t really post up anything. Not that I don’t wish to blog or anything, but just don’t feel like changing servers. Even though, it has been mentioned that there is a possibility whereby the memory may not be able to be retrieved and such, I’ll just wait ’till D-X recovers from this crisis. I really like the concept and all. Yup.

Guess I’ll play around with whatever’s around for now.

It’s been like this. I wanted so much to blog about this particular word that I detested hearing, but just didn’t get to it in time before the server went down. Will keep it in mind.

So, yes life has been pretty bad. I hate the thought of having piles and piles and avalanches of assignments on hold and due that my blood cells feel like bursting each time the reminder of it all gets to the grey matter and my puny conscience of responsibility. Brain cells get killed in the process. Lesser oxygen molecules get processed. The aches are horrible. It chokes. Chokes so much I just feel like not doing anything at all. Not having any of those in my life. I want to quit this life. I hate it. The majority of what I’m doing is beyond my interest. Only that puny percentage of a minority keeps me going. I hate everything that’s going on. I don’t want to hate people yet there are some still out there, whom I just can’t come to terms with. I don’t even know if it’s anything to do with what has happened from the start of the year or anything the likes of it. I just don’t really feel the same. It’s the instincts. And I usually trust my instincts. There were times, when I ignored them and I had to learn harsh lessons. There are times, when instincts are just forebodings of events that you can never be sure of, unless you’ve tried it once. I just don’t want to try anymore.

I just want to be where I’m comfortable at. I just want to be with whom I’m comfortable with. I just want to be comfortable to a point, where I can just let loose to being myself. No one will get annoyed. No one will reprimand you. No one will ignore you. The centre of attention yet sharing it with everyone else. Maybe anyone whom has met me might laugh and think that I’m being ridiculous or even selfish. You don’t know me. Just ask yourselves what do you really want in life. I just want to be comfortable and with what I really want in abundance. I want to do things I’ve always dreamt of doing since I was a kid. I want to be carefree. I want no restrictions. I want freedom.

That’s why I really feel very awkward should someone call my given name in full. Especially if you have a sonorating voice or we never really talked. Unless you’re someone really close, it’ll feel okay. What has this got to do with freedom? I just don’t like it when people call my name in full because they almost always expect something to be done by me. Yes, I hate instructions. I only follow them when I deem them right to do so. I have a mind of my own.

I see people getting to go where they really want to. Do what they really want to. Yes, not everyone has that privelege. I want to be that not everyone. I want to be the one who makes her own choices. Funny, how I don’t really make choices or even decide. But, there are things in life where I really want to make them. Contradictory, huh? Yeah, life can be a contradiction in itself too. Life makes sport of Man at times. To a point where you come to wonder why are we even living if everything seems determined by the society at large. Who even allowed them make the choices for us? Are they anyone superior to humans? If they are, why can’t they have lives of their own. If they’re not, just what gives them the right to rule our lives. Regulate our lives. There is a limit to regulating. Can’t they ever see the limit? How is a limit defined? When enough is enough. How is enough defined?

Who invented words. Definitions can be made different from different perspectives. Have the inventors never thought of this?


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