Dm ZZ : starkingly weird; faith

February 21, 2006

Backposted: 23 Feb ’06 03:53hrs 

I had this really weird dream. More of a nightmare to me. Really.

I was reminiscing so much of what had happened during the day until I had this SMS that I could join them for some studying at KAP. I did gave it some real deliberation until the lethargy really hit me. Furthermore, the muscle aches from the game was still a wee bit too much to bear to keep my mind thinking straight.

Anyway, so I had this really bad foreboding that perhaps the invitation wasn’t all that real. It didn’t seem real to me. To the point whereby I dreamt that LP (Sis’ worst nightmare I’d gather) used the SMSer’s mobile to send that SMS to me. It then really subconsciously hit me that it wasn’t really his idea and such. That I replied back to the SMS and he only ‘Ok-ed’ it. It was so surreal that I couldn’t stop my subconscious mind from thinking too much into it. It really affected me that much.

On the logical surface, I’d considered not going because I knew I couldn’t really work all that great revising in a group. What more with my easily disrupted train of thought and I get very easily annoyed by what’s around me. My unwanted yet unpredictable temper could have caused the unknown. I’ve known it to happen because I’ll be with people that I’m not truely comfortable with.

Yet, if I were to be truely in the comfort zone, I won’t be concentrating either. Reason being, I’ll be too engrossed annoying my dear friends with really unthinkable antics 😀 Yes, I can be that annoying and cause chaos.

Why even think so much into just one SMS?

Really beats me.

Perhaps I’ve to just let go. Yes, let go.

On the other hand, I was woken up by the loud ringing I wanna touch you all thanks to dear Kv. Really surprised me with that call. Only to realise the intent of the call. I really appreciate all the thoughts and consideration put into that call but I really prefer the freedom I have currently. Not that I detest having a faith of a sort, but it’s just hard to justify it, when you’re strictly following one. It’s like criticising those others that still exist. It’s like saying only one is the good one. The rest are all wrong.

You can see it, when you’re in that one. Would you have seen it in what had been mine?

I don’t know how you see something in one thing and someone else sees it in another thing. Perhaps it’s all just human perceptions. Perhaps it’s all just the naivety of humans. Perhaps it’s all just in the mind. But I want to be free from all that.

I don’t want to be just on one side. I want everyone to see that it’s just there to help us conduct ourselves the positive way. At least I didn’t insist it’s the right way. Everyone has a right to what he/she wishes to do or believe in. So is there even a superior controlling us all? Is there?

Why can’t we think that we’re here to experience life? We’re made to be born here to try living out our different selves. We’re here for a reason we probably will never really know. Who really knows anyway? Who? If you can answer, just who are you actually? Aren’t you just plain human like any of us here? If you’re special, just what makes you special? Just what allows you to have a headstart over us all? What?

Is there even a single definitive answer for all the beings of the universe?


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